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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my sister to give back all the baby things I am giving her?

19 replies

2point4kids · 11/07/2008 18:56

Really not sure on this one. Need some other opinions!

My sister is expecting her first baby. I've had 2 and am not planning any more. My youngest will be a year old when hers is born so have offered her everything pretty much. Only things I will still need then are the cot and pram.
She is having moses basket, all bedding, all clothes, car seat, bouncer, swing, play mat, sling and a hundred other little things.
I am really happy that all the DCs things will get used again as they are all in excellent condition and hold a lot of memories etc.
My sister is very happy to be having it all. They cant afford all new.

Only thing is that I had previously thought to myself that either my sister or sister in law would have all the stuff depending on who started a family first.
SIL is getting married next year and has said they will try for a baby straight away.
I'm thinking that if all this stuff is still good to use after 2 kids then it will still be fine after 1 more and that it would be nice to pass on to SIL as and when the time comes and when my sister has finished with it.
However my sister doesnt really know SIL, so it would mean asking her to give me the stuff back when she is done with it.

I dont want my sister to worry about keeping everything nice though. If the baby sicks or poos on something and ruins it, then so what. I would also feel bad if I were to ask for the stuff back and then she goes on to have another child and has to start again.
On the other hand I dont want the stuff to get sold on or passed on to one of my sisters mates when it could be going to my SIL...

AIBU to ask for it back if I say it nicely and stress that only things she feels are still in good condition as I really dont mind if any of it gets used in to the ground?
Or is it better to give it all to my sister with no conditions and just accept that she can do whatever she likes with it when she's done?

OP posts:

bubblagirl · 11/07/2008 18:59

no not unreasonable i gave things of mine out and said would it be ok to have it back when your done as would like to pass it on to friend or put away incase we have more dc noone was offended more than happy as its helping them out and then helping someone else

MissingMyHeels · 11/07/2008 18:59

I would just give her it all with no conditions, she may have a second DC in quick succession and SIL isn't even married, ttc or pregnant yet.

You could always ask for some bits back when the time comes.

Onestonetogo · 11/07/2008 19:04

Message withdrawn

EBenes · 11/07/2008 19:07

I would also give it with no conditions - you can have the conversation later when it's appropriate. SIL will be fine either way, and you will feel awkward telling her what she can do with the things. You are very sweet to worry about everyone, though!

ummadam · 11/07/2008 19:10

as one of the oldest of my cousins my crib and baby things were lent to and used by about 10 babies after me. They always came back to my mum who stored them in the loft until needed. As my OH's mother did similar our DS slept in the crib that was mine, came home in my baby blanket that my mother made for me when she was pregnant and he has some of OH's baby clothes and toys.

We are the first in our generation of the family to have children but if I was lent things under similar circumstances then I would be very happy to give them back when I had finished with them.

So IMO YANBU and agree with bubblagirl

Heated · 11/07/2008 19:12

Why not just tell her what you've posted on here? Treat the stuff as hers - as it is - but rather than passing it on to charity shops when she's finished with it, if there's stuff still working or in good nick can it be put to one side for SIL?

sparklesandnowinefor15weeks · 11/07/2008 19:13

Why don't you explain all this to your sister and say to her that IF she (your sister) has finished with things when SIL becomes preg and needs them then you would like to pass the things that are still in ok condition onto her

or you could keep a few things back, or duplicates of things if you have any, and give them to your SIL when she needs them

either way what you are doing is a nice thing and i think that both your sister and SIL will fully understand if you tell them

smartiejake · 11/07/2008 19:15

YANBU at all.

Lots of my baby things came from my sil and then when I had finished with them were passed onto my sister with her blessing. My sister then passed lots of the original stuff and some new things back to sil when she had an unexpected little bundle some years later.

misdee · 11/07/2008 19:15

my sisters and I are forever passing things back and forth between us. have also leant the stuff to my cousin and another cousin as well.

itati · 11/07/2008 19:22

Only read OP as meant to be doing the washing.

I would say to your sister she is welcome to use anything she wants but you would like it back after to share with your SIL. She can't really say no imo.

sparklesandnowinefor15weeks · 11/07/2008 19:24

FWIW i passed on all my baby things to my SIL because we had finished with them after deciding not to have any more, and I told her to pass them on to a friend/someone who needed them when she had finished, but i had to phone her up and ask if she still had everything after I feel pg again

she didn't mind one bit and i will pass them back to her again

preggersplayspop · 11/07/2008 19:27

I think also that you should let your sister know that you are hoping to pass some things on to your SIL after her. It sounds like you have a great relationship with her anyway so I doubt whether she would take offence at this.

My sister gave me lots of baby clothes, toys, bath etc. I have been so grateful to her for this and I know that she takes good care of things she owns generally and also that for various reasons her baby things are very precious to her. It means so much to me that she has given me these things and I make a special effort to look after them so I can give them back to her when I no longer need them. When she passed them onto me she did mention she would like them back at some point if she needs them again (and I really hope she does), and I took no offence at this request at all. I'm sure your sister will be the same.

bonnibaby · 11/07/2008 20:41

A friend of mine gave me ALL her sons clothes.
To be honest i just assumed she would want it all back afterwards.
Obviously some stuff got worn out/ruined which cant be helped but the other stuff i gave her back to pass on again.
I would say what you said in your OP and stress that she is not to worry about stuff getting worn out etc and just pass back the stuff that can be used again.

Rosieglow · 11/07/2008 21:37

I would definitely say something now about wanting the stuff back when she's done with it, otherwise you could get in an awkward situation in a year's time when you ask for it back and she's given it away / sold it / promised to someone else etc. You'll feel bad about not getting it back & she'll feel bad that she's done the wrong thing too.

Tell her now - she's not going to mind, I bet she's really grateful to be getting it at all. And the things that get trashed are usually just the clothes, all the equipment & toys will last & last...

& if you're worried that she'll be on baby no 2 at the same time as your SIL, remember that once she's had one l.o. she'll make loads of new friends with babies that will be happy to off load all their old kit on her given half the chance!

georgiemama · 11/07/2008 22:05

Can't see what is wrong with asking for things to be returned after they have been outgrown, this has been the understanding between me and SIL and friends. Anything that looks a bit worse for wear when returned isn't passed on again. Not hard.

jammi · 11/07/2008 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lilolilmanchester · 11/07/2008 23:41

You sound so lovely 2point4kids. I think you have to ask you sis to give the stuff back -stressing it doesn't matter if it gets worn out and she has to chuck it. OTherwise, she might assume you have given it to her completely, and she might offer it to someone else.

Flibbertyjibbet · 11/07/2008 23:56

YANBU.
I gave stuff to a friend whose daughter is 11 m younger than ds1. Took us so long to have ds1 that I was to find I was pg again after 8m and I'd given all my baby stuff to her! So I just said to let me have it all back, which she did, then her sister got pregnant so I passed it all to her sister and now its back with my friend who just had her 2nd.
When I am given stuff I always ask if they will want it back, and when I'm giving/lending stuff I always say whether I'll want it back or not.
I think you are worrying a bit unduly - SIL is not married yet, not trying yet, and it doesn't always happen according to plan.

Flibbertyjibbet · 11/07/2008 23:58

ps, I will pmsl if your sil is an 'everything new' pfb mum and you're back on here posting 'AIBU to be offended that my sil doesn't want my stuff thats been used on 3 kids already'

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