... in not wanting my MIL to choose our bed without taking our wishes into account

[jackdaggerette]

...and in thinking that as two 27 year old professionals we can probably choose our own bed?

DP and I are buying a house together (we currently both live in my flat, which we intend to sell after we've completed on the new house).

It's bad enough that his mother (who I actually get on very well with) clearly thinks this is HIS house rather than OUR house becuase he is contributing more towards the deposit (despite the fact that once my flat sells I will be paying a very significant lump sum into the mortgage), but I'm gritting my teeth on this one since we plan to get married within the next year or two after which I'm assured by DP she'll see it as OUR house.

The current issue is the bed. We currently sleep in my aesthetically pleasing, comfortable, expensive, 5'9" bed. However, MIL wants to buy us a new bed - actually, is insisting on buying us a new bed. This is extremely kind of her and I am very grateful that she wants to help us out. Unfortunately, the bed she wants to buy us is (a) 5' (DP is a rugby player who sleeps in the middle of the bed. We need all the space we can get. Frankly 5'9" is a bit small for us) and (b) from a bed website so we can't even lie on it before buying it. It's also not as nice to look at as the current bed.

What we would actually like to buy is a 6' zip-link bed so we can have two different mattresses since DP weighs not far off twice what I do so our mattress requirements are fairly different. This is not remotely about money - we have offered to pay the difference for a larger bed or suggested she just make a contribution towards a bed we choose.

We have raised the size issue but she thinks a larger bed will be too dominating in the room (despite the fact that the new bedroom is much bigger than our current room in which the bed looks absolutely fine) - plus it's our room, surely even if we wanted a bed that filled the entire available floor space that would be our choice?

Apparently she's bought beds from this website before and they've been fine. However, when I bought my bed I lay on about 50 beds all of which were very different, plus there is this zip-lock separate matresses issue.

I don't feel we can raise the aesthetics issue since she clearly thinks this is a nice bed and I don't want to upset her - plus it's not actually vile, just not as nice as my bed.

DP thinks MIL will be wildly offended if we put "her" bed in the guest bedroom so that's not a possibilty.

She is just being very adamant about this - there seems to be no way to just say "we do not want this 5' bed we haven't lain on" without causing offence.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling cross about this? She's really nice and she's been ill recently so I'm even more anxious to avoid upsetting her. She's also quite a worrier and I know could easily be really upset by this. I really am grateful for the kind thought, I just want to choose my own bed and simply cannot see why MIL should have the final say in the choice of a bed she will never sleep in!

Notdoingthehousework, I was just going to mention that episode with Bunny which is hilarious and a bit close to this situation.

Get her a coffin.

Shit, didn't read "she's been ill recently" - that was poor taste even for me.

Sorry.

Still. She's being outrageous. Aw heck, get her a satin-lined one.

My mil is obsessed with buying us stuff that she has bought dh's brother and his wife. This has caused various "problems" over the years as we are expected to "know" all the things that this applies to. For example, they had their dc1 2 years before us. Apparently ils bought the cot. Mil was very miffed (to say the least) when we ordered a cot 8 weeks before the birth. Bizarrely we should have asked her.

I would echo what others have said - get it sorted now, preferably by your dh. If she is of a similar personality to my mil she will start to think "ooh good they are happy to do things my way" and you may be storing up bigger problems for later.

YANBU btw.

Not a good sign if your DP wants to please his mother more than his wife in the bedroom!

He has to tell her now that you don't want the damn thing. If she wants to buy you a bed as a house warming present, tell her it's very kind but you have found the perfect bed and would like that one please. Take her to the shop, show it to her, tell her how much you love it and then see if she has the balls to say 'I think mine's better'

Or just tell her how incredibly grateful you are but that it is too small for you. If she really wants to buy it you will accept it gratefully but it will go in the spare room for guests. Then you can sell your current bed when you get round to buying a new one that is of your choosing.

That is if you don't want to turn it down outright which you certainly wouldn't be unreasonable for doing. This might be a bit of a compromise too and as you don't dislike the look of the bed not a bad one.

Your call though but please please don't just back down!

Dp needs to stop pussyfooting around. He thinks MIL will be offended if it goes into the spare room? Either this is actually his problem, or he needs to talk to his mother rather than making assumptions.

Thanks for all the input! Feel loads better! Totally agree re importance of the right bed - it's why I'm so wound up about this issue.

To be fair to DP, he's not siding with MIL over me, it's just that he's wary of upsetting her though since she really hasn't been well and is trying to be helpful, which I am trying to bear in mind. He has spoken to her but it somehow seems to be in danger of becoming a huge issue which it really doesn't need to be - we're so excited about the new house and really don't want it over-shadowed by some ridiculous row over the size of bed we buy!

Totally agree with the people who have said that it's slightly weird to be sharing a bed picked out by MIL in any case - perhaps we could suggest she buys us something totally different? Really, though, we're pretty well kitted out already - think we've already offended her by saying we don't want various bit of furniture she wanted to donate to us. I think some of the problem is that she seems to find it hard to realise that I bought my flat two years ago and we really have everything we need - I think she still sees us (ok, DP) as being 21 and fresh out of university.

Have also now suggested to DP that we put my bed in our room (telling MIL that since it matches all our bedside tables etc we think that makes sense and trying to avoid saying "Our room, our house, our bed") and that she helps choose the guest bed since that's the only bed in the house she'll ever sleep in.

If we do end up with her buying the bed for our room really like the idea of going and choosing a bed ourselves then politely explaining we've found one we love and that she's welcome to contribute but we don't really want one that we've never lain on.

Thanks for info re non-zip-lock separate mattress - will look into that if we do end up with the new bed in our room.

In some ways perhaps it's good that I have this to worry about to take my mind off all the other house buying/selling/moving issues!

Oh so many similarities to my MIL! When she isn't exclaiming over how 'teeny' our flat is she is giving us her cast offs/newly bought but unwanted bits and pieces - we don't have room, as you never fail to point out!

Now that I am pregnant she is making noises about us having the gross 70s crib (all spiky varnished wicker, but not as nice as that...)tht DP and his sis slept in. I made some noises about it being too big for our bedroom but not big enough to serve as a cot for when the baby goes into his own room and she said 'Well I shall be offended if you don't'!

What the fuck! Is that an acceptable thing to say? Why must I be subjected to your emotional blackmail, woman?? Am this close to daying 'It's naff and I won't have it in the house' - but DP wd go mental. AARGH!

Anyway, sorry about that, YANBU, but in my experience, once you really spell out that size etc is non-negotiable for your comfort she'll back down. Good luck.

I have a vi-spring zip and linked, best thing I've ever bought

you will go nuts in a tiny bed, ask her to contribute towards the cost of a proper bed if she wants to.

YANBU Jackd as the others have said. Your other point re MIL considering your new house to be your DPs tickled me. I have lived with DH for 11 years and the MIL still refers to our house (which for the record I chose, contribute equally to etc etc) as 'our 's house' and it rankles me every time.

And for Charitygirl - she also turned up with a mobile thing after DD was born that had come via her SIL from India (holiday). It was totally rank, dusty, dirty and had flaky paint on it. I told her thanks for the sentiment but that it was not going anywhere near my daughter and that she could either take it away or it was going in the bin.

the only thing with a a single mattress with two different sets of padding ( rather than a zip and lock) in a single mattresses is the turning. most beds generally need to be turned and you would need to swop sides for this otherwise you would be sleeping on his side of the mattress. we have a no turn mattress but it is still needs to be rotated through 180 (so top is bottom) degrees even though it is no turn. hope that makes sense. it is pocket sprung reiforced sides and dont forget a sprung base.

Lauriefairycake - would LOVE a Vi-Spring but just too expensive for us at the moment, although everyone always says worth every penny! We'll have to save our pennies and get one in the future I think - obviously after full discussion with MIL

Charitygirl/Dondons - oh no! I've just seen the future! I'm going to have to fight not to have DP's old cot/pushchair/nappies, aren't I?

Just say thanks v much but we would prefer to choose our own bed

Some friends of ours were in this situation but the MIL wanted to buy them a family car, which was very, very generous but she wouldn't let them have any input at all. She chose it and they had to live with it, even though it was a pretty ugly car. I thought at the time that she was treating them like small children, but then they didn't want to turn down a free car so they let her have her way.

Sorry, but if she gets offended over your not wanting her to chose something as personal as the bed you have to sleep on every single night with NO input from you, then I'd offend her.

That's just ridiculous that she's so touchy. And to chose something like a bed for her adult son and his partner?

Also, that 'it's his house' would have to stop, too.

I wouldn't want to buy a home with a partner who wouldn't stand up to his mother.

Sorry.

Hope things work out for you.

Looking at Expat's post, feel I may have painted DP in an unfairly wimpy light here!

It's a bit of a weird situation where we're both glad that she's pleased about the house and wants to help out and think it's nice for her to have something positive to distract her from health issues. Neither of us want to cause her any upset, it's not just him refusing to confront her over it. Equally, neither of us want to be stuck with the wrong bed! It isn't that he's refusing to stand up to her, more that we're stuck with a choice of the wrong bed or her being hurt, unless we manage to gently steer her away from the tiny bed of doom!

Writing this, am wondering if maybe weird controlling thing over bed is a reaction to feeling out of control in other areas (i.e. health problems, some issues her DD is having) - or maybe I'm just reading too much into it and she just wants to pick our bed regardless of what we want! Am now hoping that once she actually sees the room she'll realise independently that there's loads of space for a big bed...

I'll have a good chat with DP tonight and see if we can agree on a Not Getting A Bed We Don't Want plan before she goes ahead and orders it without telling us!

Best to pay yourselves if you don't want MIL trying to steer the choice of bed, who pays the piper etc

Quickly go and buy one. Then you can say "ooh look we found this one on sale so snapped it up, it is perfect for us, with dh being so tall and everything, and we BOTH like it it will look lovely in OUR house". Perhaps not the last bit

charitygirl why not tell your mil that the crib isn't really suitable for your house (for reasons you have said) but that isn't it great that she has that crib for your lo to sleep in when you stay with them?

mil bought me a nighty for xmas...i thought it was pretty...then she said she had one exactly the same....it's in the charity shop....don't let your mil get into your bed either !!

Jackdagerette, we have the same problem re differing weights, and ended up buying a pocketsprung mattress with memory foam. It is great and its "no roll-together" claim really is true!!

The memory foam bit is v comfy too. I don't like complete memory foam as I like a bit of bounce but it's just the right amount to mould itself to your body. Can't recommend them enough.

PS YANBU!

Reminds me of the times when a past DP's mother used to come round when we weren't in and... STRIP THE BED AND WASH THE BEDDING! This is when we lived together too! (in his flat, therefore she saw it as his space, not mine, even though we were together for 6 yrs).

Wrong and wierd.

Oh and don't worry about Expat's post. She's frequently grumpy.

I have 3 boys (and a girl) and already i know it will feel a little strange when they grow up and find partners...
..but one thing i know for sure...

...I will NEVER get involved in buying any of them a double bed...

fgs get a grip. The woman's a loon. if you don't want to run now, then don't mind "offending" her. What's to get offended about anyway ? What's next ? Taking you to her hairdresser for a curly perm ? Naming your future children for you ? Coming on all your holidays with you ? Ringing you up to find out what you've cooked today for her "boy" ?