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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL promised to babysit, then changed her mind

29 replies

twinkleymum · 08/07/2008 10:36

My MIL asked DH and I to take his sis to theme park near us for her 16th and she would babysit DD (8mo). As we've moved away from family and friends, I was so excited! I have only been away from DD max 2 hours (dentist) since she was born, and never get to spend time doing fun things or time with DH .

Last night she called and said why dont we all go??? As in MIL, FIL, sis, us and DD. I was so disappointed I cried , I'd been really looking forward to my first day off! I'm sure DD does not want to spend the day confined to a pushchair, I'll have to pack all her food, bottles, million toys and when she gets ratty who is going to have to sort her out? ME! This is not a day off at all I'd rather stay at home and let them go!

DH wants to tell her and ask her to babysit, but I dont because it was my choice to have DD and its my tough luck, if they want to go to the theme park then fine. I'm just so disappointed it was like having a carrot dangled in my face and then snatching it away. Other times she says she'll come up to see us for the day and then turns up about 5 when DD is ratty and we're in the throws of winding down for evening routine and waited in all day. She's driving me mad.

So, am I being unreasonable to be so disappointed? It makes me feel like a bad Mum to be so.

OP posts:
more · 08/07/2008 10:40

You are kind of digging your own grave a bit if you are not going to let dh help you by calling his mother and saying sorry but no, we are doing this to spend time with dd1. It is your birthday treat to her and I presume that your eldest daughter is going to be disappointed if you are not goint to go?

Kewcumber · 08/07/2008 10:40

you're not being unreasonable for being disappointed. I suspect your MIl doesn;t realise how you feel about it so I would let your DH talk to her. I was your decision to have DD but its not meant to be a prison sentance and its quite normal to accept help from friends and family if offered.

I think your DH also needs to have a word with her about turning up at 5pm - could he (nicely) say oh you really don;t see DD at her best when you come so late so why you aim for xx time in future.

Helennn · 08/07/2008 10:40

Mad. Let your dh ring his mum up and tell her how you feel. She probably has no idea how disappointed you are, (I would have been completely the same). Don't be a martyr, you will be a better mummy if you get some time off!

CrazyMofo · 08/07/2008 10:40

Why does your dp not take your dd for a few hours??

Yanbu to feel upset, although she probably doesnt realise how much you were looking forward to having a break.

You really need to get your dp to take your dd for you so you can have a break.

ChickenBurger · 08/07/2008 10:41

Don't think it's the OP's eldest daughter's birthday more, think it's her SIL's - is that right?

Lizzylou · 08/07/2008 10:41

I agree with the other posters, you do need some time off, it's not an awful thing to desire a child free day!
Let your DH speak with MIL and explain that you could do with a day off.

dilbertina · 08/07/2008 10:42

I guess she doesn't want to be left out of the birthday treat! I would accept it and ask for her to babysit for a day another time so you or you and dh can have a day out. It sounds like you need to have a bit of escape time - nothing wrong with that - but she is seeing this particular day as being about the 16yo birthday not a break for you. Why not discuss a day for you? (since her children are still pretty young I would hope she would fully understand you need a break sometimes!)

Litterbug · 08/07/2008 10:42

Get him to ring his mum!

And have your day out! Its not too late

more · 08/07/2008 10:42

oooops

Kewcumber · 08/07/2008 10:43

I also wouldn;t take a 9 month old to a theme park. You're right no break at all.

juniperdewdrop · 08/07/2008 10:47

If dh is willing to talk then let him. Most dh/dps won't. Good on you for not being over clingy though. You need a break.

woodenchair · 08/07/2008 10:56

It sounds like there are too many of you going for one car, could you go for part of the day, when dd is at her best.

Then reuse the babysitting offer when you and dp could be on your own?

YABNU by the way, but I don't think she has realised she has upset you

Original poster
twinkleymum · 08/07/2008 11:00

Yes it is SIL's birthday I only have one DD. Perhaps I am being a bit of a martyr and should let DH tell her I'm disappointed, just dont want to create an atmosphere when they come up.

Dilbertina, MIL doesn't like theme parks which was why she asked us to take SIL in first place, we've taken her in previous years a couple of times, I think she only changed her mind because FIL said he didn't mind going (and usually he doesn't want to do anything, obviously a day in with my DD seemed worse than day out at theme park) its actually SIL's birthday today and they will be celebrating this wkend, themepark is not until next week.

OP posts:
CrazyMofo · 08/07/2008 11:09

twinklymum- i dont understand why youve never had a break from your dd??

why hasnt your dp taken her off your hands before?

You sound like you need a break so i would let your dp speak to MIL anyway.

Original poster
twinkleymum · 08/07/2008 11:19

I dont know really, DH is very good with her but I am always there as well. Perhaps I need to address this. He works shifts so is around more than most dps on week days. Not that I'm adding things up , he has had one weekend away being a computer nerd, played cricket once, football a few times, golf once, helps at a kids club once per month and been to the pub once, but I've done nothing! He's also booked to go paintballing and another computer nerd weekend. And he gets to go to work and wonders why I get a bit miffed if he doesn't want to chat in the evening when I haven't seen another adult for days

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 08/07/2008 11:54

Perhaps I need to address this - too right!

Start with going shopping on your own for a couple of hours then build up to him staying in for an evening whilst you go out with friends. He is your DD's parent too!

MuffinMclay · 08/07/2008 12:05

YANBU at all. I'd stay at home with your dd and let them all go, and ask her to baby sit some other time so that you and dh can go out alone.

You have my sympathies. My MIL offers to babysit so that dh and I can go out then changes her mind at the last minute because she gets a better offer. She doesn't appreciate how much we'd been looking forward to going out (last did so together in September). My parents won't babysit at all. I know one has no right to expect them to, but both mothers had lots of help with babysitting and childminding in their day.

Original poster
twinkleymum · 08/07/2008 12:42

Exactly, MIL had both sets of parents, 5 sisters and one brother around, we've got no family around us.

OP posts:
ingles2 · 08/07/2008 12:48

MIL probably things she's organising a great day out if you all go.... She's obviously forgotten what it'll be like with a 9 month old.
I think you should start speaking up for yourself twinkley. Tell dh you want some time to go shopping/hairdressers whatever and tell MIL(very nicely) that it will be a nightmare taking dd to theme park, so either I can stay at home or you can stay with dd. If she says you stay at home jump in straight away with, well can you babysit next week so dh and I can go out. Be brave

Quattrocento · 08/07/2008 12:57

You are being silly. MIL probably (and erroneously) thought that you might prefer this arrangement. You have to tell her what you want to do and what your real preferences are.

juniperdewdrop · 08/07/2008 13:01

twinkley please tell me he hasn't had all these times away/out since dd was born?

LazyLinePainterJane · 08/07/2008 13:10

I would be more annoyed that despite not being a single parent, you have not had any child free time in your child's life! This is not the fault of your MIL, it is yours and your DH.

Do not be annoyed at your MILK, she hasn't done anything wrong about the theme park, you will be taking your frustration out on her unfairly.

Northbynortheast · 08/07/2008 13:14

I'm wandering off the main point of the post but DH may be feeling a little pushed out. I was like this when I had my first child and it was not til we had our ds2 that dh confided that he had felt as if I thought he was a total incompetent when we first became parents. Now we have two kids I'm more than willing to leave either one or both with him to grab some time for myself.

MuffinMclay · 08/07/2008 13:56

Northbynortheast - my dh said the same. He was terrified of being left with ds1 because he felt totally out of his depth. He's great with him now, but it took ages to get to that point.

Original poster
twinkleymum · 08/07/2008 14:31

LLPJ, I'm not taking it out on my MIL's kid, I'm happy to take her to the theme park its DD I dont want to take. No fun for her or me, she is 8mo!

I've decided that I will let DH say something to MIL(last night I begged him not to), and also get DH to babysit so I can go out. The opportunity for babysitters doesn't come up very often as all family are at least 2 hours away.

Ingles2, I think you're right she probably thinks its a great idea and has forgotten what its like with a young baby, she often suggests really awkward things and I just thought perhaps her babies were easier than mine, but now I just think she cant remember.

OP posts:
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