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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel a bit pissed off with my child free friends.

25 replies

lucyellensmum · 07/07/2008 20:35

Yes, i'm probably being unreasonable, in fact, i definately am, but i can't help feeling a bit resentful and pissed off.

Every so often a small group of friends from my old work have a night out, a couple of us have moved to other jobs and i have had a baby, its nice to keep in touch.

So, we go out every month or so. The problem i have is the time, and the venue really. Because most of the group have to be up early they arrange for the table at 6.30. It is out of town for me so i have to get a train at ten to six. I don't drive so i do appreciate that it is my problem there, but it is just so early. Too early because my DP has to rush home early from work (self employed) and this can sometimes be a pain but he doesn't mind. Too early because unless i do DDs dinner early it would mean that DP would have to do it when he gets in, again, he doesn't mind but it means a late dinner for DD. Also, i don't think it would hurt for someone to offer me a lift as my DP has often ferried drunken girlies home so they don't have to drive. All of this is because they don't understand the child thing but it does make me sad that they couldnt move things an hour later to accomodate me. I have mentioned before that it is too early and suggested venues in my town where i wouldnt have to either rely on public transport late at night or walk home.

I have had one hell of a day today, honestly you could write a sit com. First of all, rain rain rain - tetchy two year old. THEN something goes wrong with our electricity supply box and DP has to come home and fix it, making him run late on his job. SO, i had to take DD round to her nans because no matter how i tried to occupy her she wouldnt let daddy think. THEN when he finally finishes at 5pm, he has to go and pack up at his job around the corner. I come home to find DD has had raging diarroeah, so i go to change her bum, after getting stuff together for her and DPs dinner, which is now late,look at the clock 5.15. Run some water to change her bum, cold, runs downstairs to find boiler not plugged in (had to unplug everything),plug it back in, telling DD not to move - shite running down her legs, run back upstairs, run water again- cold. Boiler has an intermmitent fault that sometimes takes ages to fix, it is playing up. so i charge back downstairs and pull it to bits, blow down a few tubes and fix it, charge back upstairs, now 5.25 to find DD attempting to hang herself in the curtains, then have to chase her around the room as she has a giggle on and i dont want shite everywhere. Think to myself, this is ridiculous, not going to make the train, still looking like shit after a day of not going anywhere. OK so i could have been more organised, well i would have been if i didnt have to go out all afternoon to keep DD out of DPs way. Get dinner on at 5.40 with very little chance of catching the train. DP got caught up with client, didnt get home until 6.05 missed train. He offered to take me over in car, but this would have screwed up dinner for DD as i had already started cooking, hoping he would get in intime for me to run brush through hair and run to train station. By this time, the last thing i wanted to do was rush to a resturant and sit and gossip with the girls. The alcohol would have been nice though .

Am i being unreasonable to think that my friends could make the meeting time an hour later to accomodate my family? Or am i no longer a significant member of the group as i dont hvae much contact with them now?

I have told DP he will need to make up my woes to me in some way later - i was thinking massage and bottle of wine .

OP posts:
naswm · 07/07/2008 20:40

oh wow what a day poor you

but in answer to the title, I think that is life, they wont accomodate you, not until they realise what it is like to have cvhildren themselves

hope DD is ok

pinkspottywellies · 07/07/2008 20:41

What a nightmare day!! I really feel for you

Is it always the same person who organises it? Perhaps you could get in first next time and say 'I've booked for 7.30 at {local venue}. I hope that gives you time to get across here.'

Hope your evening perks up

Yorky · 07/07/2008 20:41

When I worked full time I would have found being home, changed and out again by 630, never mind 550! challenging, and that was in pre-baby days. YANBU, what time do they go to bed - 8?

LovelyDear · 07/07/2008 20:41

sorry for your hideous day. it's tricky to say whether yabu or n. You could simply say - next time please come to mine for takeaway and wine as then i can relax too?

lucyellensmum · 07/07/2008 20:48

To be totally honest, i think that as it is the same person who organises it, it is geared towards her comfort. She works from home that day, she commutes so has to leave for work at 7.30, ive been up for AGES by then and have often had disturbed night . The venue that we have now been to twice in a row is two minutes walk from her house. Other times it has been in another town where most of the group live, this makes sense so i have only suggested a venue in my home town once. My town is the same distance from the main town btw as where the repeated venue has been - is this making ANY sense. So i do feel that organiser is being a TAD selfish about things, but seeing as she is the only one who actually does anything about organising it, perhaps i shouldnt complain?

OP posts:
LovelyDear · 07/07/2008 20:49

that's the key i think - if you want it near you, just suggest a definite plan, quick before they organise the next one.

lucyellensmum · 07/07/2008 20:50

I just feel a bit peed off that even with all my situation comedy style disasters today, given another hour i would have made it. Most other times i make it, just get there in a rather harrased and rushed mood.

OP posts:
vInTaGeVioLeT · 07/07/2008 20:56

childless friends have absolutely no idea how hard it is to get out of the house on time in the evenings - i have friends who text to see if we want to go out a few hours later the same evening, never occurs to them it might be hard to get a short notice babysitter.

but if you start not going out they might start not inviting you and that would be a shame.

looopy · 07/07/2008 20:57

I agree with LovelyDear set the agenda yourself and see what reaction you get. I've faced similar situation and that's what I did with a good response. So sometimes it suits them and sometimes me. Its very true that until they have kids there won't be much understanding. Hope you have a better evening than day.

LazyLinePainterJane · 07/07/2008 21:05

Well, I haven't read all the op (long) but:

Have you asked them to move the time back a little?
Did you ask one of them for a lift?
Is it reasonable for them to change all of their plans for what is convenient for one of you?
Could you organise the next one?

Belgianchox · 07/07/2008 21:13

Can you not just go once every couple of months instead? Sounds like a lot of hassle for not bery much imo

posieflump · 07/07/2008 21:18

could it be moved to a weekend day so dp can just look after your dd, cook her dinner etc etc
tbh it sounds a bit like you worry too much about her dinner and his - why not feed her a main meal at lunch time and let him fend for himself on the day you go out?

lucyellensmum · 07/07/2008 21:21

posie, i usually do do that, but it is still a push because he can't garuntee to be home in time. I will email my friend and say that i would have made it easily had it been an hour later so next time could we go out later and locally. I have mentioned this before, but always made it out, but the rush has been a pain, and im not being funny but going out at 6 doesnt really feel like proper grown up going out, does that make any sense?

OP posts:
naswm · 07/07/2008 22:03

totally

Wordsmith · 07/07/2008 22:15

If they arrange the table so early it's probably because they go straight from work - but 7.30 isn't that bad - can't you all go somewhere where you have a drink earlier and then eat a bit later? would even 30 mins help? Cos that won't make much of a difference for them I imagine. Why not suggest it and suggest as specific venue that's easier for you?

It sounds as though (and I'm not being critical here) you're reluctant to leave your DH with too much to do- but it sounds like he doesn't mind. I'd just let him work it out, it won't all fall apart!

And yes, 6pm is way too early for grown up going out!

Jux · 07/07/2008 22:44

Can you not arrange for nan to look after dd on that day; dh can pick her up from there when he's finished work, and then it won't matter too much if he's held up a bit - he doesn't sound like the type to take advantage of it and work until 10pm just because someone else is looking after her. It won't do her any harm to have her routine changed once in a while; more likely an exciting thing to look forward to - having dinner with nan for instance, could be a really nice thing for both of them. That way, you could spend from 4pm having a long bath, and really tarting yourself up while still being totally relaxed. Imagine leaving the house at exactly the moment you want to, looking exactly how you want to, and feeling relaxed because no one expects anything from you right now and you didn't have to rush about making sure dinner etc was organised.

lucyellensmum · 07/07/2008 22:58

In theory that is a good idea Jux, but i can't leave my DD at my mums just yet (HUGE dog with no manners and she smokes - my mum, not the dog!). She does come here and look after DD and had to last time i went out. The wheels totally fell off today and i would have overcome it if i had another hour.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 08/07/2008 17:55

Well i emailed friend who organised last night, explaining in detail why i didnt make it, i did text her last night. But she has not replied, so feel a bit hacked off to be honest. It is like she has the hump with me for not making it, but then if she handn't arranged the whole evening to suit her then it wouldn't have been so difficult for me .

OP posts:
dal21 · 08/07/2008 18:05

I agree with other posters. Organise the next one for a time and venue that suits you. Also, is there anyway you can prepare more in advance? Your DD's supper for example - I cook in bulk for DS and then freeze it. Can you not pre make some food and leave it for your DP to heat when he comes in?

Don't be so upset about your friends, it is impossible to know the impact having a baby has on anyones life until you have one of your own. I dont think this is anything about 'being a significant member of the group'. I would say it is more a case of the time suits all of them because they can come straight from work....and it really is as simple as that.

MissingMyHeels · 08/07/2008 18:14

Why don't you just say that you'll meet them there at 7:30pm and if they want to stay in town (do they work in the town? If so I can see why they meet straight from work) then why don't they have drinks first?

scottishmum007 · 08/07/2008 18:24

agree with others, you should organise the next night out. i know what you mean about childless friends. we had a couple over on sat night who don't have any kids, and they were shocked that I was going to be at 10pm?!! They also couldn't believe that our DS was up at 8am for his breakfast on a Sunday morning(!!). They said that's the earliest they've ever been up on a Sunday. And they want a baby... when you are up at 7am every morning I'd say going to bed at 10pm is actually reasonable (esp if you have been playing hostess for your guests on the run up to their arrival getting food ready!).
I don't mean to be horrible but childless couples really have no idea. And I have to admit I was also like that before DS came on the scene.

BouncingTurtle · 08/07/2008 18:38

Not just childfree friends, I have a mate with a 7yo and she is organising stuff that I just can't do, for a mutual friend's wedding (which has thankfully being postponed to next year) - she has also tried to arrange for us to have a couple of nights away in Dublin recently knowing I have a bf ds who is a bottle refusnik!

lucyellensmum · 08/07/2008 18:39

dal2, i usually am more organised, well fractionally but my plans were laid to waste due to electrical failure .

OP posts:
2point4kids · 08/07/2008 19:04

To be honest I can see it from both sides.
If there is a group of you and its more convenient for everyone to meet in town straight from work even if its further for you then I can see why they do it.
Especially if you say its hard for you but you always make it anyway iyswim.

You need to be a bit firmer or they will never realise how hard it is for you to get there early.

Dont say an hour later will be better. Say you cant get there till 7.30 full stop. Say sorry you wont be there straight away, but they can have a drink first and you'll join them for dinner.

Start by emailing all of them now and say sorry you couldnt make it, you are normally really rushed to leave on time but this nightmare day made it impossible. Then say next time you'll come a bit later and you can all eat later or if they'd prefer it, you can make it earlier on but nearer to your neck of the woods!

Hope you have a nice evening anyway

lizandlulu · 08/07/2008 19:14

cold you arrange to meet on a weekend so they dont have to work the next day and therefore could meet up at a later time?

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