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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell my SIL to shut the ......

25 replies

MummytoWillow · 06/07/2008 21:20

F-ck UP!!

Oooh I feel better saying that already!

Basically my in laws lived between both us and their other son, so we could all meet up quite easily at their house. When other son announced they were having a baby, in laws sold up and moved near to them so they could look after said baby when she went back to work (as apparently they can't afford childcare, even though they have a fantastic joint income and I know they can afford it), they now live a good two and half hour drive from us as its all motorway and traffic is hell!

They are not paying the in laws for their childcare which is fine (well I am a bit jealous)!, however we pay outrageous amounts in childcare and she constantly asks me how much it is, how do I feel about putting DD (10 months) into childcare, does she miss me and vice versa and then says she doesn't have to worry about all that as her baby is going to 'nanny and grandad'. It makes me so pissed off I could smack her face for her! Why does she have to constantly rub my face in it and make me feel bad?

As I said before I am jealous that they don't have to pay out or put the baby with a CM, but I don't make that obvious to her!

I now can't bear to be in the same room as her as she makes me so mad, what can I do before I blow up and scream at her?

OP posts:
sleepycat · 06/07/2008 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisylaisy · 06/07/2008 21:23

How much do you have to do with each other?

We're 6 and 9 hours away from our family and it works just fine - 2 or 3 meetings a year, a phone call to our parents once a fortnight and to my sis/dh's bro about twice a year.

Family are always best, imo, at arms length.

StealthPolarBear · 06/07/2008 21:25

She is probably jealous that she has an interfering MIL and can't escape
(I'm sure your MIL is lovely, just trying to make you feel better )
Not sure how long your DD has been in childcare, but DS has been in nursery since about 11 months, after a bit of a rocky start he loves it!

avenanap · 06/07/2008 21:25

Have you tried the 'well, at least I'm not taking the piss by dumping my kids on my parents for free' card. It's very petty though.

BetteNoire · 06/07/2008 21:27

It's your PILs that decided to move, so there is little point in your feeling disgruntled with SIL.

Her comments are tactless - and she is either deliberately saying these things to annoy you, or she really is a bit thick - but rise above it and maintain the moral high ground.

Don't let anyone see how angry you are - it's not worth falling out over.

Bumdiddley · 06/07/2008 21:28

I know this will get howls of derision but - grandmas should be grandmas, not paid or worse unpaid childcare. There are sooo many of these threads.

I totally understand the jealousy bit. Just think that your children will have a grandma who will be overjoyed to see them and spoil them rotten.

Saymyname · 06/07/2008 21:29

Gonna stick my neck out and agree with Bumddidley here. Which is probably a good thing, as my Mum believes exactly the same thing...

phoebebouffet · 06/07/2008 22:47

No I agree too! My LO goes to a childminder and I see it at professional childcare - if ds went to either of his grandparents, he would be spoilt rotten, eat rubbish,and he probably wouldn't get to mix with other kids as much. My mum and dad are retired but still quite busy so I think it's important for them to enjoy their retirement and not be tied - cos I work full time. Plus if we wanna go out on a fri night I'd hate to ask the grandparents to babysit after they'd had him all week. I haven't actually got a choice anyway cos mine live about 1hr away and PIL still work full time themselves! BUT OMG your SIL sounds nasty - hope it has helped ranting on here!

Sanctuary · 06/07/2008 22:59

My MIl looked after ds when I went back to work she thought it gave her the right in everything to interfere in my life ,marriage house she blackmailed us over it "well if you dont whatever"I wont childcare etc etc.
Even when I was off she would still let herself into our home .

When DD was born she went straight to nursery even thou Mil had offered to have her NO F**KING way

Your sil might have these issues to.
So sit back and chill and let her tell you how great her life is
sounds like she trying to convince herself more that you [smile ]

purpleduck · 06/07/2008 23:46

I would either:
1)complain to her EVERY CHANCE YOU GET
ie)

"Oh my God, I have to tell you - DD cried a bit today when i dropped her off at nursery, I just felt AWFUL"
Really moan to her all the time.

or

  1. Play up the benefits

"Oh, I am just SOO relieved DD is being looked after professionally...they are SOOOO good. She is benefitting ENORMOUSLY from all the social interaction....."

purpleduck · 06/07/2008 23:48

BTW
Maybe she doesn't realise she is being nasty...?
If she is asking questions, maybe she is grateful she doesn't have to worry about nursery...?

If you have always got along, why don't you just tell her its hard, and you wish you had the same opportunity she has.

findtheriver · 06/07/2008 23:59

Have you thought that maybe there's an underlying jealousy with her?? Free childcare comes at a price - and often it's a controlling grandparent who will do things their way because they're not getting paid so they can!! You only need to read the threads that appear on here regularly to see that!
I think the best response is to turn it on its head. Say how well your child is doing at nursery/CM, how your dd thrives on being with other little ones and how it'll stand her in good stead that she's not clingy and is confident to be with people outside the family. It could be that your SIL is secretly worried about this anyway. Just because childcare is free doesnt make it the best sort of childcare. And with the best will in the world, grandparents are often not best placed to provide lots of opportunities for playing with other children etc.
I completely agree with Bumdiddley - your child is the one who will grow up feeling that their relationship with their grandparents is special, not just that the gps are people whose house they go to every day. I totally agree that grandparents should be allowed to be grandparents- they are not unpaid carers. Sounds like your SIL probably knows this underneath. People who feel comfortable about the decisions they make don't tend to have the issues your SIL does.

Desiderata · 07/07/2008 00:15

Small children don't need to interact with other small children. That's a necessary myth that parents under pressure feel the need to perpetuate.

A child under the age of three just needs familiar adults. Anything else is a bonus, but not necessarily a welcome one.

The crux of this problem is that MummytoWillow's inlaws have actively favoured the other grand child. They moved house in order to be accommodating.

Full sympathy for the OP. There is huge favouritism going on here, and it isn't nice.

Tortington · 07/07/2008 00:19

i think its perfectly reasonable for the parents of the daughter of the family to sell up an move closer to help out.

i am truly sorry if you haven't got anyone

thats not sil fault.

if her phonecalls disturb you - then desist immediatley.

if they live that far away from you - then these things can be monitored.

i think you would find that if your mil was in your life daily, it would amount to much more than saving money. it would start some intrefamily alpha female shit - and you would hate that too!

its a bummer childcare is so expensive , and i understand your pissed of with the whole situation.

i really think you can monitor the phone calls

see that sils mother helping out is a diff ball game than a mil helping out.

understand that as a mother helping your daughter when they have had children is understandable.

bumpybecky · 07/07/2008 00:52

but Custardo, the first post says...

'Basically my in laws lived between both us and their other son'

so SIL isn't the daughter of the parents, she's the daughter-in-law, and it is the MIL doing he childcare (I think anway!)

Sounds to me like SIL is either a) incredibly dim and not realising that she's making such tactless remarks and/or b) incredibly jealous as shes doesn't have nursery care so has an interfering MIL to deal with every day

Mummytowillow, can you get your DH to have a word with his brother, pointing out how pissed off SIL's lack of tact is upsetting you?

AnnVan · 07/07/2008 01:13

All this talk of controlling grandparents is getting me nervous - DC1 is due end of August, and DPs mum will be providing childcare when I go back to work!

Original poster
MummytoWillow · 07/07/2008 21:58

Thanks for the replies!

I think she is just tactless and basically a cow!

Desiderata - Your right they have favoured the other son and it hurts. My hubby is quietly hurt to but doesn't say alot as he has previously had a big fall out with his folks and didn't speak to them for 8 years, so he is scared that will happen again if he speaks to his brother. They can't see it as favouritism and I have to bite my tongue as they are not my parents!!

I think alot of your comments ring true, my parents look after my niece two days a week and although my mum is very good with her, she does think she has free reign to do what she wants and give her whatever she thinks is right to eat!!

So I'm going to quit seething and count my blessings that I've got a brilliant (expensive) childminder and my daughter loves her!

OP posts:
Desiderata · 07/07/2008 22:08

Good on you, willow!

It's a bad situation, and you've kept your dignity.

You're quite right. Count your own blessings, and try not to concern yourself with peripheral stuff.

I can perfectly understand why you're upset, though.

findtheriver · 07/07/2008 22:14

Well done MumtoWillow! Sounds like deep down you know you have the better deal - if your own mum is caring for your niece and thinking that gives her the right to do things how she likes, then you can see first hand the downside of using relatives. You have a brilliant childminder, so be grateful for that.AnnVann - I can see why threads like this make you nervous, but as long as you're going into it eyes open, then you'll be aware of any potential pitfalls. The problems usually seem to arise when parents use grandparents to provide childcare because it's free/convenient/or they have a misguided fear of leaving their child with anyone outside the family, rather than as a positive choice because it's the best form of childcare. If you are making the choice because it's the best, and there are no strings attached, then no problem!

bunchoflowers · 07/07/2008 22:26

Can't you try and make friends with her? I know that sounds crazy, but it's always the women in families who seem to hate each other, I just wonder why do we do it?

Where are your parents, aren't they around to do some babysitting for you?

Why don't you try and make an ally of her instead of loading up all your resentment and dumping it onto her, she's not doing it to be malicious to you, is she? How come you're not crazy angry with your BIL? It's always the women who get all the shit!!!

handlemecarefully · 07/07/2008 22:28

Oh just blow up and scream at her, I would!

Original poster
MummytoWillow · 08/07/2008 20:44

Bunchoflowers - I am friends with her, she is just pissing me off at the moment, we usually get on OK. I'm not crazy angry with BIL because he justs shuts his mouth and doesn't say hurtful comments, he knows he is lucky getting free childcare! My parents live 300 hundred miles away so no babysitting from them, unless we go and visit!

So were kind of stuck, but were not bothered about going out that often so are happy to stay in!

OP posts:
tobytortoise · 08/07/2008 21:49

I work part-time (2 days) and my parents kindly look after my boys, and have done since DS1 was 6 months. It works very well, my boys are very close to their gps and have benefited hugely from this arrangement, imo. It isn't always the negative scenario that's being painted here.

tobytortoise · 08/07/2008 21:50

Sorry, my post doesn't help OP at all. I was just getting annoyed about the 'controlling Granny'/'taking the piss' posts.

sis · 08/07/2008 21:58

Maybe your sil isn't happy with her set-up and is asking you all these questions to help her assess whether she should put up with things as they are or to move her child to paid chilcare?

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