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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to slap my mother, hard, for saying to me "You have no idea what it's like being a mother."

37 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/07/2008 22:52

"Because you have always worked and just left someone else to bring them up."

I am furious.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 05/07/2008 12:40

Is she ever challenged? I mean does anyone ever respond by calmly saying 'that was rude, hurtful and untrue and by saying that it makes you a not very nice person' Because I found that that worked wonders with my mum. she was so used to saying whatever the feck she felt like because everyone was scared of her tantrums that she just indulged her nasty side all the time. a bit of straight talking did wonders.
Also you could suggest the dementia as if it is she needs help and if it isn't she needs a kick in the arse and suggesting that her behaviour is so bad that it smacks of a serious illness might do the trick.

DarthVader · 05/07/2008 12:56

Toxic comment

sympathy to you on that one, it is hurtful when your mum criticises your parenting, I am still smarting from similar comments from my own mum

beaniesteve · 05/07/2008 14:36

" she said "Well no thanks to you, you're never here.""

Does your mum provide childcare for you? Maybe she's feeling a bit put out. DO you pay her if she does?

squilly · 05/07/2008 14:53

My mum was a sweetheart from menopause onwards. Made no secret of the fact that she'd hoped I was the menopause (the last of 6, so I can't really blame her for that one!). She never held my hand as a kid (my earliest memories are of her shaking my hand off and telling me not to 'hang on to her').

She told me that I'd never amount to anything and spent years knocking everything I achieved.

The best was when she told me that I'd probably gotten aids (thanks to my numerous boyfriends when I was in my twenties) and not to go near her grandchildren in case I gave it them! That was probably her finest moment.

But you know what? She's in her 80's now and she's chilled a bit and though we were at each others throats for years, she's still my mum and I still love her.

This is your mum. The possibility of mental illness is very real, as other posters have said. But if it's just nastiness, you have to find a way that you can deal with this. If that means avoiding her, do it. If it means forgiving her, then do that instead.

Personally, I'm really glad that I've been able to forgive my mum for a lot of the things she's done and said to me (too many to mention). Cos I look at her life now and I can empathise with her. She had a rough time in her life...no money, herds of kids, no life. She dealt with it the best way she could. She wasn't one of nature's earth mothers and isn't one of nature's little sunbeams. It takes all sorts.

And you've got to remember that your mum comes from a different generation and this is probably a new concept to her, mothering and working. I can't sympathise enough with how crap this will be making you feel and your mum was bang out of order for saying it, but if (God forbid) she died tomorrow, would you feel guilty for not extending the olive branch???

saggyhairyarse · 05/07/2008 19:41

I can really sympathise. At Christmas my Mum gave me a thorough personality assassination, critised my kids, my marriage, me as a friend (not to her, to my own friends) and I am not big enough to forgive her.

She has never apologised, she has said those things and she can't take them back and, I am in a good place in my life and don't need her venom.

I am not surprised you are feeling so angry. How bloody dare she say that. I think I would be silently seething too!

KatieDD · 05/07/2008 19:51

What a horrible thing to say, that'll be my MIL in a few years time and she will get slapped.

ib · 05/07/2008 19:55

Of course you should answer 'At least my daughter doesn't think I'm a sour old bitch...'

But more seriously, it really can be a sign of dementia. Keep an eye out for others.

Rachmumoftwo · 05/07/2008 20:05

Speaking from experience, sometimes you just have to say 'I am an adult and I don't need to take any of your shit. Either be nice of fuck off.'
This is particularly effective accompanied by being pushed out of the door. I was shaking saying it, but you know, it really worked! I still get the odd comment now, but I calmly remind her she is being nasty and I won't tolerate it, and she stops. My sisters are so jealous!

wonderpetsmum · 05/07/2008 20:05

my mum is a mare too.........havent spoken since new year.
one of the little gems she said in our last agurement.
"you are not still harping on about that are you" - her referring to DD being born 12 weeks early being in SCBU for 11 weeks and me not wanting her to spend nights with bitter old bag of a mum. (They live hour and half away).
all she wants to do is parade her round asda to her old cronies. my god it is like she is a new handbag...

Dd is nearly 5

MrsSchadenfreude · 05/07/2008 22:52

Rach - I did once say to her, if you can't think of anything nice to say, please don't say anything. It didn't work!

In posh charity shop with her this morning, looking at hats, nice shop woman asks if I want it for a wedding or anything special, and I said that I was going to a garden party at BP and hadn't found anything anywhere to suit me. Mother chips in "She's not being invited as a guest though, she's going to check tickets or collect coats or something." I smiled (well it was probably a snarl actually) and said that I was being invited because of my job, and wasn't the coat check girl. Mother said "Huh! That's what she's telling you!" and flounced out of the shop.

My fingers were tingling to smack and I was so glad to see the back of her at lunchtime.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 05/07/2008 22:53

Beanie - she has ALWAYS said "Don't expect me to babysit for you." And so I have never asked (and wouldn't trust her with them anyway).

OP posts:
herbietea · 05/07/2008 23:00

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