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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my mother in law re visits/babysitting?

17 replies

katpotat · 03/07/2008 22:24

Sorry this is a long one....feel free to ignore
MIL is driving me mad! She is constantly moaning about never seeing DD 14mths, even though I have told her a million times she is welcome to come down whenever she likes. She is jealous that my mother gets to babysit 2 days a week now I have gone back to work, and I didn't ask her (MIL workes full time!)How she could managed this is anyones guess.
She has now kicked off about not asking her to babysit this weekend, the reason for this is she has had knee replacemnt surgery and cannot manage the stairs, she said I miss out on so much, I haven't even got to give her a bath, change her nappy etc..
I stopped asking her down, as she always makes an excuse at the last minute not to come
I cannot win with this woman....she is driving me insane.

OP posts:
S1ur · 04/07/2008 02:27

I suspect however much time you gave access to your MIL it would not be enough.

That said, you could try finding her a niche. Could she be the one to take him to the library/swimming/music group whatever once a week.

If you want to make her feel better you could present this as something you really need her for.

otherwise tbh I suspect it's a general feeling of missing out and feeling guilty and yet not quite bothered enough to sort it so help her out if you feel like it but how charitable you feel is down to you in the end.

KnickersOnMaHead · 04/07/2008 07:08

Message withdrawn

MindingMum · 04/07/2008 07:56

I sympathise so much katpotat, I have the same situation with my Mum as it's my MIL who does all the care - cos she's so much better at it!

My Mum also changes her mind on plans at the last minute so her not seeing much of the grandchildren is often her own fault.

It causes so much stress in our household trying to ensure she sees the children - she doesn't want them dropped at her house, she doesn't want to go out somewhere she feels not all of them would like (there are 5 of them so not all are going to want to go to the same place) and I won't have her at our house.

My MIL on the other hand loves having the children at her house, taking them out, on holiday and coming over to our house without critisising me or my home.

And Mum wonders why she sees so little of the children.

Make a family plan of when she sees the children , tell her about it and stick to it!

Dropdeadfred · 04/07/2008 07:58

Mindingmum why won't you have her at your house if you don't mind me asking?

Original poster
katpotat · 04/07/2008 09:36

MIL works full time....she couldn't babysit even if I asked her to

OP posts:
MrsTiddles · 04/07/2008 09:43

I think its a pattern of moaning that you'll probably get used to with time. Its not laying blame at your feet, it sounds more like an expression of regret.

The odd compliment goes a long long way with a MIL, as long as its not completely obvious its flattery!

PuppyMonkey · 04/07/2008 09:44

Kat - this sounds v like my MIL. She's always moaning about never seeing the gc, but then when we ask her to babysit, it's always such a chore for her and she often cancels at the last minute or is just not available in the first place for six months at a time (too busy with her hectic social life)...

We have said "the door's always open" for you to come and visit, but I still think she kind of expects a more formal invitation - ie, Come over this Sunday etc.

I would get a date in the diary now about when she can come and babysit - one day when you know her knee isn't gonna give her any probs. But in the meantime, get a date for her to just come and visit while you're there - and let her have a go at nappy changing if she so desperately wants to have a go at it!

Oblomov · 04/07/2008 09:52

Turn the tables round on her, ask her when she would like to come.
You know she may cancel, so you go in with your eyes open, and try not to stress about it.
She prob won't know what to do with herself, if she gets such an offer

MollyCherry · 04/07/2008 09:53

Your mum has her regularly but perhaps MIL could have her overnight (once her knee's fully sorted) if you and your OH need a break or have a night out planned. That would you could arrange it far enough in advance so that everyone knows where they stand.

MindingMum · 04/07/2008 10:49

Dropdeadfred - I won't have my Mum over to our house because she constantly critisises everything about my home from my decor, layout of the rooms to the amount of toys in the house (I'm a childminder) to the meals I prepare for her, temperature of the rooms, type of bedding plants in the garden, frequency of carpet shampooing, way the children speak to me/ each other, etc etc etc.

I warned her last year that if she came over again and said anything that upset anybody - she tells tha children that they don't look nice in their clothes, need their hair cutting etc I wouldn't invite her again. On her next visit she told me my front garden was untidy (the children and I had spent a day making it look nice for Mum's dreaded inspection )and shouldn't be like that because I am a small business and people would be put off. I told her then she would never be invited again to which she replied "well that's for the best really because it upsets me to see how your standards have dropped since you lived at home!"

Incidently when I lived at home, it was just Mum and I. I had a Nanny for my first 11 years and we had a daily cleaner. I on the other hand an a Mum of 5 who works full time.

My house is always clean but rarely tidy and in the future I will never look back and say 'oh I wish I'd spent more time cleaning the house' but I may look back and say 'I wish I'd enjoyed my children more'

MindingMum · 04/07/2008 10:50

Sorry that was so long but it was very thereaputic (sp)!!!

lucyellensmum · 04/07/2008 11:48

rant away, she sounds like a nightmare . Why is this sort of thing so important to her? Send her to my house, she will think you are nigella fecking lawson after that!

cheesesarnie · 04/07/2008 11:54

can you not go to her.bath baby with her,let her feed dc?

MindingMum · 04/07/2008 13:01

LOL LEM. It doesn't matter to me anymore, there is no benefit to us from her being here - her loss!

Original poster
katpotat · 04/07/2008 15:18

I even offered to let her babysit on Saturday night, my Mum said she was completely happy to let her do it if she liked....that made it even worse! She was like "no don't go changing arrangements on my count, your just trying to make out I'm the bad one in all this" ??? WTF? This is the first time since Jan me and DH have been out, and now I'm wishing I wasn't going now.

OP posts:
MindingMum · 04/07/2008 17:38

I'm sure your MIL must be my Mum's long lost sister - that's exactly what mine says "you're only asking me over to make yourself feel better about the fact I haven't seen the kids for X weeks" No Mum I'm asking you to get you off my case!!!

Original poster
katpotat · 04/07/2008 17:54

You know it's weird though, we got along great before we had our LO....ever since then she has driven me round the bend.
My mum is going ahead with watching LO tomorrow night, I feel MIL is cutting her nose off to spite her face though
and now i bet we will end up having to visit her on Sunday too!

OP posts:
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