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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL wants to visit DS at least twice a week

20 replies

tiredange · 03/07/2008 20:22

DS is now 3 months and PIL still want to visit at least 2 a week. They only come for 3 hours-ish but constant attention, poking of DS annoys me as he gets over stimulated and tired. DH thinks they should be allowed as often as they wish. But it's driving me mad and causing rows btwn DS and me.

OP posts:

FioFio · 03/07/2008 20:23

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beaniesteve · 03/07/2008 20:25

how often do your parents see him?

Elmosgirl · 03/07/2008 20:26

Could they not come when it's just your DH there so you don't have witness all the things that irritate you.

It will get easier in a few months when your DS will be big enough to move away from them when he's had enough. My nearly 21 month old has been very good at avoiding the Gp's when they get a bit too much for ages now.

Original poster

tiredange · 03/07/2008 20:26

I've been doing that but last time came home and DS had pooed (as they do) and they got it over everything when changing him. Also FIL won't change nappies!!!

OP posts:

constancereader · 03/07/2008 20:28

3 hours seems like quite a long visit to me, especially twice a week. Surely your wishes are important, as well as your PILs?

accessorizequeen · 03/07/2008 20:28

I can see why you're a bit fed up, but just change the setup to suit you and you still have PIL who are desperate to have a relationship with your ds - not many people have that. Plus they're your dh's parents - it's natural that he thinks they should see his child a lot. Just figure out what what make things less stressful e.g. you pick the time, they take him for a walk whilst he sleeps (gp's love that!) and you get a break for half an hour etc.

Anna8888 · 03/07/2008 20:29

Of course they can't come as often as they wish . You are not just a vehicle for producing grandchildren to be maintained at the disposal of grandparents for inspection/entertainment.

2 x 3hrs a week is rather a lot at 3 months, especially if they are crap at actual childcare. Try to explain this to DH - that you would be delighted to see his parents if they helped you with DS, but since they hinder you, you need to see them less often.

Original poster

tiredange · 03/07/2008 20:34

my parents don't live in country but mum is here at mo. but she helps with everything. I know I should be grateful they want to be involved but they are too overwhelming as is first DGS. For 3 hrs they hold him w/o putting down and the minute he whimpers they're whacking him as they think it's wind or say it's due to teething. Would like to ask them to come 1/wk when DH is here but DH thinks I'm unreasonable.

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ChukkyPig · 03/07/2008 20:37

Sounds like an awful lot of visiting to me. My MIL is fine, but I wouldn't want her around that much!

Bright side though. When DS is older (6 months onwards maybe?) you can gradually switch it to them seeing him at their house (as I assume they are local). This will free up two mornings or afternoons a week for you to do as you please. Hairdresser, shopping, catch up on housework, see friends etc. That sounds lovely.

Maybe bite your tongue now and try and train them in actually looking after him better/getting them to have him at theirs sometimes and later you will reap the rewards.

Must admit though that if my MIL had been here 6 hours a week when DD was this age I'd have been climbing the walls!

Dropdeadfred · 03/07/2008 20:40

my MIL is not allowed to visit if DP is not here - i suggest you tell him to ensure there visits are when he is home

Original poster

tiredange · 03/07/2008 20:46

They live an hours drive away so not that local! came again yesterday for an hour as they had something on. I said they shouldn't have made effort to come all that way FIL said 'I missed him too much so had to come'. When they went on hols last time they called twice to ask what DS was doing! Am trying hard bite tongue but v. hard.

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ChukkyPig · 03/07/2008 21:01

tiredange this is a really tricky one.

He is your son and still very small and naturally you want it to be you, DH and DS at home, getting to know your baby. Having the inlaws around this much must be awful.

However, it will really pay off if they keep this up when he is older. And it is really nice that they are this keen to be involved, even if it is suffocating.

Do you feel comfortable leaving DS with them? So you could go and do some shopping, have a bath, sleep or whatever? The amount of time they are there means that you shouldn't have to play hostess the whole time.

Or do you not really want to leave DS, after all he is still tiny isn't he.

Original poster

tiredange · 03/07/2008 21:18

Have left DS with them as can't stand to witness overwhelming stimulation. Do know they are helpful as would babysit if ever asked.

Just need to know how to handle better and want them to stop spoiling DS. He's probably too small to realise the intensity but worried when he gets older he'll be nightmare as spolit and always told he can't do no wrong and best/ cleverest in world.

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beaniesteve · 03/07/2008 21:21

How often do your parents see him?

beaniesteve · 03/07/2008 21:22

OH sorry just read the other bit, if your mum and dad were in the country would you feel the same about them coming?

Booboobedoo · 03/07/2008 21:23

tiredange: I do feel for you, but it is very sweet that your FIL misses your DS. Also, I think children are very lucky to have Grandparents who spoil them.

Agree with those who have advised you to try and get a little time out while they're there.

I do understand, though. Would have driven me crazy when DS was that young.

abbierhodes · 03/07/2008 21:37

How about using a bit of flattery to get them to stop spoiling /overstimulating him. Tell them that since they are so close to him, they are the best people to 'help' you to get him into a routine.Talk through the changes you'd like to make- not holding hm while sleeping etc, and put it in a way that does not accuse them, as if you are guilty too...'we all need to resist picking him up too much'
If you can do this, you'll solve part of your problem and have fully trained baby sitters when he's older!

Original poster

tiredange · 03/07/2008 21:45

Think my parents would be less overbearing as already have 4 other grandchildren. Also my mum would help me too with housework etc.

Thanks for all positive comments. Don't think I will win (me against DH's whole family) so will have to find best way to deal with situation w/o it ending in divorce from DH!! Any ideas?

Better go get some sleep b4 DS needs feeding as he's still up 2-3 times a night...but that's another thread!

Hope you're lucky enough to have little 'uns that sleep thru....

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Original poster

tiredange · 03/07/2008 21:49

Will try flattery rather than sarcasm! Anything worth a try. Altho. they don't believe in routine as 'babies will sleep and eat when they want' is what I was told when I tried to explain my attempt at routine. Will perservere as calmly as possible when they do things that annoy me and try to be less sensitive....

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Booboobedoo · 03/07/2008 21:50

I was soooo sensitive when DS was that age. Apart from anything else, sleep deprivation can make you anything from tetchy to homicidal.

Hope you have a good night tonight.

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