To ask you vet men for misogyny when dating?

[HonestTealPoster]

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how misogyny in men isn’t always immediately obvious, particularly when you’re first getting to know someone.

Obviously, there are the blatant red flags but I’m talking about the more subtle signs. The comments, attitudes and beliefs that might initially seem harmless or be passed off as jokes but actually reveal quite a lot about how a man views women. I’m specifically talking about men who initially present as respectful, decent and even progressive, but whose attitudes towards women become apparent over time.

What questions do you ask, conversations do you have or behaviours do you look out for to establish whether a man holds misogynistic views? Have you ever dated someone who seemed perfectly lovely initially, only to discover attitudes towards women that really shocked you? Looking back, were there early signs you missed?

I’m not talking about interrogating someone on a first date but being more discerning about who we allow into our lives.

Would genuinely appreciate hearing your experiences, particularly from those who’ve become much better at spotting these things with age.

Hardwired misogyny is not ‘having an off day’, it’s a belief system that’s so strongly internalised that it informs someone’s worldview and influences their values and attitudes. Trying to establish whether a man is entrenched in this way of thinking before entering into a long term relationship is neither punitive nor unreasonable.

Internalised misogyny is everywhere, and is not exclusive to men. Fortunately it’s clearly revealed in statements such as ‘Us ladies have practically made a living out of it!’, allowing those of us who recognise the fucking problem to avoid those who don’t even realise they’re part it.

But it’s not a particularly promising sign if they treat their mother/other female relatives badly.

Conversation and generally observing what they’re like in real life.
How do they treat their mum/sister etc, how do they talk about their friends wives and girlfriends, famous women, women in the news.
Does he listen when you talk, does he understand you know more about him about some things and respect that.
Also if you drive take him out somewhere, any comments and driving tips would be a red flag!

I’m fresh out of a relationship with a woman-hater and can now smell a misogynist a mile away. Chatting to the nicest guy I’ve ever spoken to, and you just KNOW.

Also another way to find out is if they are sexually ‘unselfish’. A conversation about that usually tells you all you need to know, without actually getting to that stage properly (and wasting your time).

Having female friends is another important one. It shows that he's able to see women as people, not just sex objects or family members.

I'd also say vetting men for homophobia is very closely linked to vetting him for misogyny. Ultimately what it comes down to is finding someone who doesn't have fixed ideas about what men and women "should" be.

As long as misogyny benefits some women, you will never eliminate it.

There will be some women for who male misogyny is a fundamental requirement.

Don't rush into a relationship, that simple!

Goes both ways too. Women can come across as sweet and independent and then show themselves to be mostly interested in the guy's wallet.

Thanks for the free therapy session. But you can't label a comment made on a first date as a belief system. Some men are deeply misogynistic. This is true. But if we were judged on every comment we made about men, we would be viewed as being just as bad. Does this bother you?

Gosh, I’m going to use this post when anyone asks for a succinct example of internalised misogyny.

@gannett is right. You have proper conversations and listen. And I agree entirely about having female friends. It was one of the things I appreciated about DH when I first met him.

I have lost count of the daily threads on here where women have no bar to raise to start with and that specimen is their child's father, no I will never understand it