Birthday meal - who pays?

[Bobbisocks]

I’ve got a big birthday coming up in a few weeks. My main celebration will be a weekend away with close family (grown up kids) which DH and myself are paying for. My actual birthday is the Monday after, so I’m thinking of just marking the day with a low-key meal in a local restaurant with a small group of friends. My question is, as I’ve invited people, would I be expected to pay for the whole thing, or would everyone just pay for their own? As far I’m aware it’s usually the latter, but a quick internet search suggests a mix of opinions as to who should pay. I don’t want any awkwardness!

YABU: you invited people so you cover the bill
YANBU: everyone pays for their own

Depends entirely on what is normal in your group of friends.

Whatever you want, just make it clear beforehand

What do you normally do?

Definitely make it clear. We were once invited to a close friends birthday dinner and were handed the bill! We assumed maybe wrongly that it was going to be paid for. Everyone was pretty pissed off about it as they were a very wealthy couple and had been treated to meals out at one stage or another by all of us.

We’re not a group as such - it would be a couple we socialise with, another close friend (who vaguely knows the couple) and two close work colleagues I consider friends, so there’s no precedent for us all being together!

this. There is no right or wrong. In every group of friends I've had nobody would ever expect the birthday person to pay, if anything we might cover theirs.

Do what you normally do but be clear beforehand so there's no embarrassment for anyone.

Sounds more like an invited event than a regular friend meet up then so I think you pay. I’m reading it that these people wouldn’t normally meet together and you’ve invited them specifically for your birthday

This.

can you afford to pay OP? If not just make it clear - or say I will pay for the meals and you do drinks etc or just you pay to they all pay. I think it’s absolutely fine to talk money.

When we go out with friends it’s always split however I don’t think we’ve ever done a specific birthday. We go out so regularly though that birthdays are always close to the event but it’s never been specific for anyone’s birthday x

When inviting make your expectations clear by saying please join me on my birthday for a meal my treat or alternatively should be about £50 per person and the menu is online.

Whatever you do you need ro tell rhem, at invite point, so if it’s please join me, you pay, if it’s please join me, have a look at the menu and you can see costs.

If you’re bringing a load of randoms together who don’t know each other (which it sounds like is the plan) then it would be nice for you to pay.
If you can’t or don’t want to then you need to let everyone know asap that they will be paying for their own food.

I wouldn’t consider going to a meal with people I don’t know and paying for my own meal but I might consider it if someone was treating me. Call me mercenary, I don’t care but the thought of trying to negotiate bill splitting with complete strangers makes me feel horrifically anxious

In my friendship group we are paying our own and cover the birthday boy/girl's meal. I would not expect them to cover my meal! The only time the host pays is if they invite us to their house for a meal. We then bring a bottle.

Either but do let them know if they are paying for themselves, if you don’t pay for everyone then buying some wine for the table or a pre dinner drink would be a nice touch.

If you are paying then maybe see if there is a set menu or smaller menu so people don’t go completely mad.

I went to the pin for my friends and neighbours party ( another family one else where), that was 4 years ago, paid £25 for every one, they paid for own drinks.
17 of us just over £300 , 1 free as an error.
i wanted to invite those who may not have afforded it

Agree with PPs theres not necessarily a right or wrong here, I would personally expect to pay for myself in this scenario and would be happy to do so. Would be more normal to chip in and pay for the person who's birthday it is rather than them to pay for guests but aware others may feel differently!

I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I have never been invited to a meal and assumed the organiser is paying. Even family meals, I always assume I am paying for myself/family.

Why would somebody pay for me on their birthday?

I would say either is fine as long as you make it clear in advance, but paying for yourself in a scenario where the attendees don’t all know each other is slightly different. If you think they would all get on then why not but I would try and pick somewhere with a set price menu.

In my group of friends we treat the birthday girl and each pay our own.

but someone else usually arranges it rather then the birthday person. You are choosing the restaurant, so that might change expectations? As others have said it depends on what is normal for your friends.

Yeah, same here. Unless it’s explicitly stated that it is a treat, I’m going to assume I’m paying for myself.

I recently had a birthday and put it in the group chat asking who is around for a birthday meal at our local curry house. Everyone paid for themselves, as we always do regardless who does the inviting.

honestly that sounds like quite a weird group and if I was one of your work colleagues or the single friend I'd be a bit confused, and be making excuses not to attend.

It's fine to have a mix of different people who don't know each other in a big party, but as part of a small group it's a bit odd. Particularly if only one of the colleagues can come that leaves the other as the odd one out in a group that all know each other.

I'd just meet up with the other couple and potentially the friend if she wants to come along (but might not want to be a third wheel), then go out for a drink or something with the work colleagues separately.

In fact it would be so weird that I'm going back on my answer and this might be one of the only occasions where I might be expecting you to pay - only because whenever I usually go out with friends and we all cover ourselves it's exactly that - a group of friends, not a odd mix of strangers. If I was invited out with one friend, her husband, another colleague and 3 randoms I'd never met I'd feel as though you were a bit desperate and short of friends to put such an odd group together, to the extent I'd be a bit resentful of spending my own money on it.

One of our group will say ‘let’s meet up first lunch to celebrate X’s bday’ and we would pay for our own and jointly cover the birthday girl. But it depends how you have worded the invitation I suppose. I think most people would expect to pay for themselves but make it clear.

At the risk of drip feeding (I didn’t think I’d need to go into so much detail about everyone’s relationship to each other!) it’s not a weird group - the single person knows the couple as they’ve met on several previous occasions, and also knows the colleagues pretty well. It’s just the colleagues and the couple who don’t know each other, but they’re all grown ups and quite sociable, so I’m not worried or indeed ‘desperate’, thanks!

Hmm, I think if you 'invite' people you should pay. If you tell them you are going out for a birthday meal and would they feel like joining you, they would expect to pay for themselves.