Neighbour's autistic son, sleep deprivation and health/housing impacts.

[Anonymousaurus]

I am in a desperate situation and would be grateful for any advice anyone may have. I think I've included everything but please feel free to ask if I've missed any details. Sorry it's ended up so long, there wasn't really a brief way to give full context.

I live in a mid-terrace house which I privately rent, my two children (10 and 12) are with me 50% of the time and we have lived here almost 5 years. Last August, a lady bought the house next door and moved in with her autistic son. I would guess he is around 8, but it's hard to tell as he is still in nappies. He is non-verbal and I believe also visually impaired. He makes loud, vocal stimming noises almost constantly whenever he is awake.

For context as I know I'll be asked, I know he is autistic because shortly after they moved in, while I was out for the day, someone came into my garden and added an extension panel to the top of my fence. When I came back home and went outside, the child's grandmother came out to the end of my garden and told me they'd had to do that and affix it from my side of the fence because her grandson is autistic and he climbs things.

The issue I am having is that the child wakes frequently almost every night, and very often for several hours right through til morning. I am woken almost every single night by extremely loud banging which I believe to be his bedframe slamming into the wall when he jumps on the bed. This also sends vibrations through my floor so I can hear and feel it. He also bangs on the window (I have seen this from my garden), rattles the door (I think he is locked in overnight for safety) drags things across the wall, bangs toys into the window and shrieks and cries. It goes on for hours. I very rarely hear anyone go into his room to settle him, but whether they do or not makes no difference to the noise.

I have tried various types of earplugs, white noise machine, having a fan in my room, opening the window and nothing even remotely dampens the noise. Using ear plugs only puts me at risk of missing my alarm and not getting my children to school on time, it certainly does not help me sleep.

Often after a bad night I finally drift off to sleep, only to be woken again shortly after by very loud banging any time from before 6am and this continues usually until well after 9am. Obviously this only applies to weekends and school holidays, during term time I have had to drive my children to school (20 mins away) on no sleep whatsoever on many occasions. I'm very worried about having an accident.

The very bad nights where he is awake anywhere from between midnight and 2am until my alarm goes off are around once a week on average, though sometimes there are clusters of nights like that one after the other. He also takes several hours to go to sleep each evening, with loud banging, crying and shrieking beginning at around 6pm and usually not stopping until after 9pm. I have to delay putting my own children to bed until about 20 minutes after the noise has stopped in case we wake him and it starts all over again. I am woken up by banging at least once pretty much every night, but the anxiety I experience around going to bed is now so severe that I often can't sleep for hours even if he makes little to no noise after he has gone to sleep.

I have tried sleeping in my lounge but as our bedrooms and the lounge are on the adjoining wall, all of the noise he makes travels up or down wherever he is and it is basically just as loud down there. It sounds as though he is inside the walls in my house during the day. When he plays in his room, there is scratching, tapping and banging along with vocal stimming which seems to go on all day. He goes into the garden when it isn't raining but the vocal stimming seems to be even louder when he is out there and he also throws stones and knocks them on the fence which is also noisy. I get absolutely no peace unless I put music or white noise on, but this has to be so loud to drown him out that it's not really relaxing.

On top of this, the boy's mother has a partner who got himself a Rottweiler puppy at the start of this year. He obviously cannot have the dog with him while he works, and so he drops the dog off at my neighbour's house in the mornings, usually when I am leaving to drive my children to school and the neighbour is putting the child into the taxi to go to school. The dog barks a great deal throughout the day, especially when he is left on his own which seems to happen at least once a day for various lengths of time, and it isn't collected until around 5-6pm. This means I cannot catch up on sleep during the day.

I have lupus which is a chronic autoimmune condition which causes inflammation, chronic fatigue, pain in my muscles and joints and many other symptoms. Inflammation is triggered primarily by illness, lack of sleep and stress. I went off sick from my job because the sleep deprivation was so bad I could not function, and was enevtually sacked at the start of this year because I could not provide a satisfactory answer when asked when I thought my health would improve, because the neighbours aren't going anywhere. I am now at risk of eviction as I have defaulted on my rent.

I have tried all available avenues to get support and advice but it seems I have absolutely no rights in this situation. My landlady isn't responsible for the noise which I do understand, so she won't consider soundproofing as it would cost her money and reduce the value of the property, she also won't negotiate my rent. As the noise is coming from a disabled child as opposed to 'nuisance noise' the police aren't interested. My landlady advised me to report my neighbour to the council, which would require me to take recordings over a period of time and submit them for review, after which the council may send a noise abatement order to the property. I am skeptical that this would achieve any meaningful resolution as the neighbour is already aware how this is impacting me and I highly doubt anything can be done to stop the child from doing what he is doing. The mother smokes weed during the day, I can smell it before I've even opened my car door when I get back from the school run and it's seeping through the wall into my kitchen at the back of the house, and it seems she is able to sleep through or ignore the noise for hours. I believe the child is being locked in his room and ignored throughout the night most of the time, but the police and social services don't seem to think this is a problem.

I had to contact social services on a couple of occasions during the summer. On one occasion I could hear the mother screaming and swearing at the child to shut up for a sustained period of time from around 3-4am. This was during the very hot period when everyone's windows were open at night and I expect everyone in my terrace heard. Later that week, after being kept awake all night, I went to get my cat in from the garden at 7am and saw the child had removed his nappy and was standing on the windowsill fully naked slamming on the glass and shrieking out of the top window. Behind the row of terrace houses where I live is a public thoroughfare which many people use to access the high street and train station, so a lot of people could have seen him as he wasn't let out of his room for a further 2 or more hours as is normal on non-school days.

A couple of nights ago I called the police at 2.30am because the banging and crying was far louder and more persistent than I'd ever heard before. They attended the property, knocked on the door but my neighbour didn't answer, so they left. The noise continued for several more hours. At 4am I spoke to the officer who had attended the property and he told me that unless they are aware that someone is definitely at risk of death, they aren't authorised to break down the door or even knock more aggressively. As they couldn't hear the noise from the front of the property (his bedroom is at the back of the house) they left and would not come back. I explained that the screaming and banging had been going on for over 2 hours and I was concerned it was far louder than ever before but was told that doesn't constitute an emergency. The following day the boy still appeared to be in his bedroom all the way through to the evening. I called 101 to report that I believed the child had been locked in his room since the previous evening but they weren't really interested.

I am at my wits end and have been contemplating taking my own life. I have PTSD from highly traumatic birth injury when my daughter was born, and when I am woken in the night by the loud banging, my nervous system reacts as if someone is breaking into my home. I have started experiencing chest pains during the night for the past 3 months and I have frequent panic attacks during the day because I get absolutely no break from the noise whether it's the child or the dog. I have posted polite requests through the neighbour's door twice, the first time asking if she could possibly move her son's bed away from the wall, and the second time requesting that she ask her partner to make alternative arrangements for his dog during the day if he is unable to take it to work with him, but neither of these have been responded to even though I provided my number and no action has been taken to change anything as far as I can tell. The noise has actually gotten worse.

My parents are my guarantors and since I defaulted on my rent they have been required to pay this for me. They are now pressuring me to give notice to my landlady so that they can get out of this contract, but I have nowhere else to go because without being able to get my health back on track, I cannot return to work.

Moving in with my parents is not an option for me because I would be nowhere near my children and I do not have a good relationship with them. We are essentially estranged and moving in with them would almost certainly see my already very fragile mental health declining even further very quickly. They agreed to be my guarantors five years ago as I was financially stable and this sort of situation just didn't even cross our minds. We have barely seen each other since then.

For the first time in my life I am receiving universal credit and am currently applying for PIP under the advice of several people I've spoken to at the DWP. I had never previously considered that I might be eligible for PIP nor had I even wanted to investigate this as I had been managing very well as a single parent working full-time from home until this family moved in. I feel incredibly guilty to be receiving benefits of any kind but unfortunately the impact of the sleep deprivation that this child has caused has been profound and I see absolutely no way of improving the situation while I'm still living in this house. I cannot leave the house to go to another private rental because my parents will not agree to be my guarantors again, which I can perfectly understand but it does sting as I did nothing irresponsible to get myself into this situation. I cannot afford to live anywhere else in this area anyway now that I am relying solely on UC, and so the only private rentals I would be able to find would likely be one bedroom flats or studios.

I have looked into how I might get myself on the social housing list but it seems that the only way to do this while privately renting is to be at risk of eviction. Since I have a guarantor, I don't think that my landlady is going to go down the eviction route, as legally she can continue to demand that my parents pay the rent for me and they are obliged to do so, otherwise she can take them to court.

I know the child is disabled, but I am now a burden on the state when I never needed to be, and there seems to be absolutely no route to a way out of this situation for me, that can't be right surely? Am I missing something? I do understand that his mum's life must be very difficult indeed, but she does not seem to be intervening when he is waking during the night at all for whatever reason, or even trying to stop him from banging things into the wall. I do not understand the rationale of moving into a mid-terraced house and not even giving the new neighbours a courtesy knock on the door to explain what they are going to be in for. I have tried so hard to be patient and understanding, it took me more than 6 months to raise any kind of complaint with my landlady or the neighbour because I wanted to be compassionate to their situation and give time for the child to settle, but the sleep deprivation has gotten worse and worse as time has gone on and nothing is being done about it, this is simply not sustainable.

Does anyone have any advice at all, for any part of my situation or the whole thing? I am honestly at breaking point and not very far away at all from harming myself.

I actually suggested what you are suggested to them and they were all for helping me with moving costs and my deposit elsewhere, I even made an appointment to view a property today. But at the last moment I realised I hadn't asked about guarantorship and when I did they said absolutely not.

Thank you. I fully expected a lot of people to see certain buzzwords within my post and disregard the situation as a whole because how dare I insert grievance here! I don't read those posts through to the end, I've enough on my plate and internet strangers can't make me feel any kind of way. The situation is exactly as I've described it and I know I'm not in the wrong. I expect I'm a bit more resilient than the people coming on here just to tell me what a scumbag I am. I would love to see how they would cope in my current circumstances exactly as they are though, and not the version they've invented. Very easy to criticise when you can't relate to the problem whatsoever. Anyway, I've come here with a genuine problem and a lot of people have been incredibly helpful and kind, those are the responses I'm actually bothering to read to the end.

Thank you. I am going to try and see my GP for some sort of medication as soon as I can. I've tried a couple of things but it's not getting to sleep that's the main issue, although that definitely is part of it. It's being woken very abruptly by loud banging which triggers my PTSD quite badly. I do need to see the Dr anyway about the chest pain as this is a completely new symptom (for the last few months anyway) but I think/hope this is just a condition associated with lupus where the muscle and cartilage around the sternum become chronically inflamed rather than a cardiac issue.

Alongside trying the commercial guarantors, could you try to do something that’s low risk with your parents by way of giving them money to keep in an account to use in the event they are called upon to act as your guarantor (ie mitigate their risk for them).

Appreciate it’d still mean convincing them to be your guarantor and that it’d not low rather than no risk for them.

Similarly, appreciate you’d need to get the money from somewhere. Perhaps this could be from a 0% credit card (ie its free money, just don’t spend it and pay it off within the period) or worse case a bank loan, recognising that’d come at a cost

@Anonymousaurus

What would your preferred solution be?

My preferred solution would be for this to not be happening. I have no idea what is going to happen to me, I can't even begin to speculate on what my preferred outcome would be. I want to get out of this house, get my health back and go back to work, but I can't get out of here in a way that allows me to stay with my children. I appreciate from the outside that may sound like something I'm just going to have to do so that someone else isn't inconvenienced further but I'm just not prepared to do that. I would argue that any other mother in my position would struggle significantly to make that decision. Very easy to say 'you just have to!' to an internet stranger when nothing comparable has ever happened to you.

I think getting myself into debt at this time would be a stupendously stupid thing to do. I would never get out of debt if I did that.

I wouldn’t give up my son because of someone else’s, even temporarily, so I don’t believe that you have to, or that your decision not to isn’t reasonable.

The shit fact is - they’re not going to get moved out. They’re not going to go away.

I appreciate right now it’s hard to see the wood for the trees, and you’re stuck in a cycle of shitty mental and physical health, fuelled by exhaustion, which makes both worse, and so on in a loop.

I have a chronic health condition, so does my partner, and I have a kid that gets up in the early hours.

It is happening to me. Except he’s ours and that somehow makes it more acceptable. But it’s still fucking exhausting. I get it.

There has to be a solution somewhere, that doesn’t involve your parents acting as guarantor. If they’ll help you with moving costs, a corporate guarantor company would give you that level of security.

But candidly you’re not going to get better until you do move. He won’t get quieter, they won’t move, your best and only way out is someone supporting you to get yourself out and better. Even if that does end up being a company guarantor.

I can understand and agree, but it’s not debt per se. You (or more correctly, your parents) would have the money sat aside in a separate account so whilst one account would be negative, the other positive, creating a net zero impact but allowing you to perhaps convince them to act as your guarantor.

If it’s a 0% credit card there’d be no cost, if it’s a loan then it’d come with a cost.

Dependent on your risk appetite (and I guess that of your parents), rather than it being sat in a savings account you could put it into a fund within an ISA meaning it may even increase in value in the period (although it has the risk of decreasing also).

Just a suggestion as to a way that might unlock the guarantor situation for you

Or, in the short term if securing sleep is a priority, could you sleep for a night or two in a tent in your garden if it’s quieter out there?

Not ideal, but if it gets you rest then why not?

ignore those that will say it’s too cold, plenty of us camp all through the year and it’s just fine!

There is a difference between an order and what can be done with it. All that settles is that an order, nothing more than effectively an administrative act, can be done.

The actual law around that order is that an reasonable excuse is legally allowed to break it, and there is no chance a court would consider a child who genuinely can't be stopped from making such a noise as failing to meet a reasonable excuse, so the order is then meaningless. The order would make sure that they have done all they can to meet it being a reasonable excuse I suppose. But if they have, or did all they can after the order, and little to nothing changed then the order might as well not exist as far as the OP would be concerned.

It's not really going to work for someone with lupus unfortunately. My circulation is piss poor and my joints are already very painful, the cold exacerbates this to a significant degree.

" I want to get out of this house, get my health back and go back to work, but I can't get out of here in a way that allows me to stay with my children."

But you've repeatedly posted that staying is making you suicidal which would be you leaving them forever.

You've also said that moving in with your parents would end with you killing yourself.

If you are in a suicidal state then staying with your kids may not be good for them.

At the moment you have a safety net in that your parents are having to pay your rent as guarantors and this safety net disappears if you leave. The issues you are having with your neighbours are not going to away which means you are in a destructive spiral which you have to get out of for your sake and your children's.

My kids are literally the only things keeping me here.

Well you tuber.Katie Roams sleeps outside in all weathers but shes only about 20 doesnt have any health condtions and has amassed a large amount of camping equipment for all weathers
I roukdnt want to camp in my Garden in novenber even with expensive equipment

I’ve lived similar for a few years. Drug addicts next door who blasted music in the house all night long. Loud bass vibrating through the walls and running up and down the stairs all night too. The only way I solved it was to move out. Absolutely no one was interested in helping.

I know this sounds a bit crazy but does your garden have the ability to have a summer house type construction that you could decamp to with a heater if things hot really bad? It’s all I can think of.

There has to be a solution somewhere, that doesn’t involve your parents acting as guarantor. If they’ll help you with moving costs, a corporate guarantor company would give you that level of security.

This could work op?

You didn’t respond to my post before about earplugs so maybe you didn’t see it. You said you had tried them and they didn’t work but have you looked into custom moulded earplugs? They make a cast of your ear so they fit properly. They cost a couple of hundred pounds but it is worth it for your sanity.

My husband is very dismissive of earplugs and it annoys me because I think until you have properly looked into it and tried different types, then you can’t really write them off. Unless you have tried custom earplugs I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to discount them as an option, for your own health and sanity!

I would also be asking my neighbour if she has tried extended release melatonin for her son. Use the guise of you having worked in paeds. Her son has sleep issues related to his autism it sounds like but she may not have been signposted to the relevant services. The extended release melatonin is harder to get as it costs the NHS more and they don’t shout about it.

Do you not think somone with a,loud severly autistic child who doesnt sleep
Will have tried melatonin?
It doesnt work for everyone.

Well:

A.) Extended/modified release melatonin (Slenyto) is less readily available on the nhs and you usually have to jump through quite a few extra hoops to get it including having tried the normal melatonin,

B) Even getting the normal melatonin requires a referral to the community paediatrician/clinical psychologist and then being willing to try a bunch of behavioural interventions under supervision before they are willing to give it to you

C) That’s assuming they even know about melatonin, which many don’t.

D) People who utilise services with few problems - because they are confident/middle class/pushy/speak English as a first language/have the energy to do so sometimes forget that there are people out there who struggle to access services

It doesnt work at all for general insomnia, the evidence is weak for ever using it for this purpose. It can regulate your natural rhythm and help you be tired at the correct time, but will never help you sleep if your rhythm is normal and cant sleep for any other reason.

Yes i know this, melatonin didnt work for my own sevely autistic child he had both the liquid and tablets
And im pretty sure the mother wull of heard of it
Sleep or rather lack of it is discussed alot amongst the parents of loud disabled children who dont sleep.

Did you try Slenyto though?

My 10yo son can’t yet take tablets, and crushing it removes the slow release.

He would find it in a yogurt, or sandwich, or anything.

OP’s neighbour’s child is 8, you don’t know that he can access Slenyto.

What we can presume, is that any child who’s been wakeful for 8 years has had input from professionals, because genuinely nobody is just settling for getting up in the middle of the night forever, and that those professionals will have decided whether slow release tablets are suitable and accessible.

What the hell? Why would the OP fancy hanging out with a neglectful drug taking woman? Unbelievable.