Lost control as a parent

[sobloodysad77]

I’ve fucked up today, massively.

Up until 4 months ago (just after DD turned 3) we had a happy household then DD seemed to change overnight and became a child I don’t recognise anymore and I miss her.

We expected the boundary pushing, the sibling rivalry, the defiance but we didn’t expect this.

She goes to a forest preschool 3 days a week 9-3 and is currently on half term.

For the past 1.5 weeks she has hurt DS (15 months) every day by either kicking him or pushing his face/head onto a hard floor and I cannot preempt it at all, it comes from absolutely nowhere. I put my body between them and pick up DS but she’s like a dog in a frenzy and keeps going to attack, this lasts 10 minutes and ends up with DS screaming in my ear whilst DD is jumping up trying to pull his arm or leg or whatever she can get hold of. Obviously with DS in my arms, I cannot also move her so I end up completely overwhelmed and overstimulated with all of the screaming and shouting. The same with DH if he’s on his own with them.

Yesterday was awful, we went to the park then I dropped DS at my Mum’s whilst I took DD to dr (had a cough for 3 weeks), she’d already been told off that morning and had a toy removed for 30 minutes for smearing her toothpaste up the bathroom wall. She was rolling around laughing and kicking me whilst I was trying to put her socks on so I gave up and she put her trainers on crying because I said no, I was no longer going to try and get her socks on. She was prescribed antibiotics for a chest infection. We got back to Mum’s to pick up DS/have a cup of tea and she attacked him again in front of my Mum and Dad. I don’t know whether it was the “safety” of being in my parents presence or what but I just absolutely lost it, I screamed at her, forced her down on the sofa (no idea how when I was holding DS) my Dad ended up taking over and picked her up and took her to the dining room to talk to her, I was sobbing and crying and DS had a bruise on his forehead appearing and finger marks around his neck.

Last night ended up in a 4 hour stand off, she refused the antibiotics so DH took her comforter she still sleeps with and her dummy she has at bed (I know she’s too old for a dummy at bed before anyone mentions it but I’m picking my battles right now), at 10pm she finally gave in and drunk the juice with her medicine in and her comforter and dummy were given back and she went straight to sleep. whilst this was going on, we maintained normal bedtime routine, DH read to her, cuddles were given, we explained in simple terms why she had to take the medicine etc.

This morning first thing, I was brushing my teeth and she came out of nowhere and smashed DS head into the bathroom door, I lost it. I picked her up and threw her onto my bed (literally 2 foot away) but she immediately started sobbing and screaming that I’d hurt her, I picked up DS and I literally screamed at her to leave him alone and get away from him/us.

I know I lost control and it’s absolutely not okay, I know that I should not have thrown her onto our bed, I am heartbroken that I lost control like that and in that moment I didn’t recognise myself, I am not an aggressive or angry person.

I have apologised to her, I openly said I am sorry with no “but you hurt your brother”, I want her to know I’m sorry, we’ve had a cuddle, I’ve spoke to her calmly and told her that hurting her brother needs to stop and it’s not okay.

I just want to add that she gets 1-1 time, we are lucky that we have the “village” that many people want and need which allows me time with just her. She is cuddled/told she is loved multiple times a day, we read books every day, colour and paint, we are normally a very calm house. DH is great at keeping his cool and standing firm in boundaries and never raises his voice. I feel like a total failure. I’ve upset her and I’ve scared myself by seeing red. What do I do? Nothing bothers her, we can remove toys and do any kind of punishment (age appropriate) and never physical until this morning when I chucked her on the bed and she laughs in our faces and looks us in the eye as she does the things she has been told not to. My DS is covered in bruises from her. I feel so sad I’m trying to protect him and failing and I’ve failed at parenting her this morning, I’ve let her down and myself.

There are other issues such as she will only eat 7 different foods now, no meat and no vegetables at all, she has stopped sleeping all night in her bed amongst other things.

Where do I go from here? I hate parenting right now, I love them but I hate being a mum and it’s knocked me for 6 as up until she was 3, I adored it.

Oh please 🙄 she’s a 3 year old child, she’s hardly Jeffrey Dahmer. Overreacting much 🙄

I have a smacking story from my own youth in 1992!

When I was 3, I ran out into the road every day on pickup.

My mum says she tried everything. She reasoned with me, shouted, showed me episodes of children’s hospital with catastrophic injuries from being run over by a car. The story goes: eventually she smacked me and I never did it again.

Looking back I’m not sure why she didn’t just pick me up before the door opened and carry me to the car, or put my reigns on.

So I’m half in agreement but think problem solving should still come first. Keeping them apart as much as humanly possible is the best solution for OP for now.

This sounds incredibly hard.

No professional would ever recommend smacking and would be pretty keen to discourage it if you asked for advice, so I am not sure why MNers are so obsessed with it lately. Usually notice it's from posters who say their children are now adults, so hardly up to date advice either.

At 3, "controlling the environment, not the child" is a really really underrated and helpful thing you can use. Essentially, you do not leave the DC alone together ever, not for a second, not for a minute, and even when they are in the same room, you maintain a distance between them. You can use things like playpens, stairgates or physically taking one child with you when you leave the room. This is very taxing on you - if you have the support of family and can lean on it day to day, absolutely do.

Make a GP's appointment or HV appointment. Tell them that your DD has had a sudden and extremely concerning change in behaviour, that it is extremely aggressive and you are at a loss as to how to handle this and you are worried about the safety of your other child. Tell them about the time that you lost control. Also, mention the other difficulties if they all started around the same time - the restricted eating and the sleep disruption.

Agree with PPs saying that the chest infection will be taking a huge toll on her even if she does not seem lethargic - 3yos generally don't. They tend to run around getting more and more hyper IME. (I don't know if this is all DC or just my DC TBF).

I want to write more but DC want to play a game so will just add this:

Read the book Big, Baffling Behaviours by Robyn Gobbel. It does talk about trauma, but I do not believe that is the only cause. It's the author's background. I think the behaviour/difficulties she is highlighting are stress behaviours. These can occur from other causes than just trauma. PANDAS is worth looking at as a PP has suggested, especially if it was a sudden change.

Did you read the OP's posts?

I'm going to pay you the compliment of saying that you didn't rather than cast aspersions on a basic ability to realise what constitutes a danger.

Underthinking, much?

Sorry I’m quickly releasing these in between doing dinner etc.

I'm not sending DD to my parents as a punishment, they’re here grandparents and she has lots of fun there, I’m not turning it into a negative for her.

I am also not smacking her, I wouldn’t smack an adult so I’m not going to smack a child. I’m not an extremely “gentle” parent, she’s always had boundaries and rules, I don’t whisper “kind hands” to her, personally that’s not for me but I also have never been physical up until yesterday I had to pin her on the sofa and today I threw her onto our bed, when I say I threw her it was more of a dropped her onto our bed.

Thank you to everyone who have suggested different things, I will make another appointment with GP for her.

After today, I will be taking DS with me everywhere even if it’s for 1 minute.

The restrictive eating has been going on for months now. Probably 6 or 7 months, I’ve mentioned it to GP and to HV at her 3 year check and both dismissed it as typical fussy toddler.

We do lots of positive praise and make a big deal out of her being kind/helpful/good listening.

I love her so so much and I am just beyond sad right now.

When you ask her why she does it what does she say? What's going on inside her? You can ask her about what colours she feels, does it come on quick or build slowly inside her? What does she think might help? Can you give her a space to go where she can hit things safely like a tepee full of cushions? There's clearly a lot going on inside her little body and she's reacting to it but what does she say when she's calm?

@DarkForcesdh and I have both asked her when she’s calm why she wants to hurt him and she says “because I do” that’s all we can get out of her. I’ve asked her “how would you feel if Mummy pushed Thomas’s head into the floor?” And she said sad today, I asked why she would feel sad and she said she’d be scared. I then asked why it was okay for her to do it and not me and I explained that her doing it to him made ME feel scared and sad and she shrugged and asked me if I like her dress (she had a princess dress up dress on).

She was aggressive towards him when he was newborn but she was very young and I put it down to having to suddenly share attention. Any time he cried, she’d try and hit him/pull Moses basket over etc so we had constant eyes and hands near him at all times. This all stopped when he reached about 8 weeks old.

Restrictive eating been going on for months, I give her different vitamins and drs and HV shrug it off as being a toddler having a fussy stage.

She started Forest School in January.

No she has always been an amazing sleeper, from 5 months old would sleep 7-7 then a few months ago became scared of the dark, she chose a nightlight, spoke about anything she finds scary (she said monsters and shadows) so we had fun making shadows with our bodies/teddies outside and any time she brings up monsters, we repeat that they’re not real, they don’t exist, made up for stories etc (she doesn’t have any books with monsters in and only watches 3 different tv shows, none of them have mentioned monsters), the only book with monster in she has is one I got her when she said she was scared of them called there’s a monster in my book (a funny interactive story with a friendly monster) again we tell her it’s just pretend.

She’s been to school with the cough but last week drs said her chest was clear, this week when I’ve took her back as it worsened they prescribed antibitocs.

OP you sound very kind and reasonable. I would struggle to keep my cool for as long as you have!

I think the best advice above is to control the environment and just keep them apart, while you explore her issues with the GP/HV.

I’ve known kids to totally change when they have a sibling - un toilet training themselves, becoming violent, or regressing back to babyhood themselves almost. You’re not alone. It’s likely just a phase, although a horrible and potentially dangerous one.

Do whatever you need to do to get through it. Take time out, take all the help you can get, and keep them apart however you can.

It’s great that your husband is so level headed. Is he around at home as much as you? Divide and conquer if possible! One each and keep them apart.

I think I'd be pushing for more of an insight into how she's feeling in the build up, during and after. I'd explain different feelings and try to understand what the closest match is. If she never sees conflict (which is good) she may not have the vocabulary. You need to teach her feeling angry is normal but hurting others because we are feeling hot and cross is unacceptable so here's what you can do instead. It's hard as she's so little but break it down and say you love her and want to help as she must be feeling bad to hurt her brother. If you can find a book about feelings I'd start there.

Maybe acting would help her too as it's a safe way to process and unpick different feelings. So anger looks like this and sadness like that. She's clearly very reactive so she needs to have healthier choices about how to react. My dd is older but I say feelings can't hurt us, they are just information, we can choose how we respond to them and how much power we let them have with practice

Am back and good you have added some more info :)

As you've asked for advice with her eating before, when you speak to GP, I'd present the eating stuff as an update along with explaining what you've tried, if they suggested things before. Bring the list of foods she will eat, and tell them you are worried about ARFID (if you are). There was a recent news story about a boy who unfortunately died due to ARFID being overlooked - I don't say this to frighten you, because I don't think your DD sounds close to this extreme case - it's more to point out that the GP may well be more aware of the issue and more likely to take your concerns seriously because of this recent news story, and if they are not, it could be something you highlight to them, because not all toddler restricted eating is just fussiness or a phase. I would hope that the GP would know or be able to look up at what point something crosses from normal toddler fussiness into a concern.

What I wanted to add to my first post is that you say this has been newer behaviour in the last ~4-7 months or roughly when she turned 3ish.

I would say IME I really struggled with DS1 when he turned 3. He was an only child then, so no sibling issues. I found 0, 1, 2 absolutely brilliant, loved almost every minute of it and when he turned 3 I was totally lost. There can absolutely be a shift when they hit 3 that is just a sort of gear change. I see some people have pointed out gentle parenting, and that was definitely part of the issue I had. But I think often when they're 2 they are sort of in thrall to you and you are unconditionally their favourite person/people and they very much want to do whatever you are saying or showing them to do, and then somewhere around their third birthday, it's like a switch goes on in their head where they realise actually they are a separate person and they can refuse things. So they start experimenting with this newly discovered power. FWIW I don't think it sounds like this itself is the issue from what you say, but it can definitely be a shift which can be tricky for parents to adjust to.

In addition to this 3yos, especially 3.5+ and/or girls, are often very chatty and verbal, and I think there is a danger we can leap on this and assume that because they are capable of amassing a large vocabulary and mimicking ways that they hear adults using it, often in fairly complex ways, that their verbal reasoning skills are advanced to match and in reality, this is not the case. Three is still very very much a physical age, their language is extremely imprecise, their actions are a combination of experimentation/impulse, routine and instinct. It is very rarely helpful to ask them questions like why, because they come up with believable nonsense, and it does not usually work to explain why a behaviour is forbidden. Of course you can do these things, it does not hurt to do these things, just don't expect that they will yield much in the way of useful results. What does change behaviour effectively at this age is incentivising a replacement behaviour, as well as preventing or blocking unwanted behaviour as far as possible. Essentially you are trying to "overwrite" the unwanted behaviour with a new routine. And what will tell you most about why something is happening is observation - what is happening immediately before the behaviour occurs (even if it seems random, absolutely any patterns at all can help) and what tends to happen immediately afterwards. There is a very good youtube course I will link in a separate comment.

The other thing which likely happened ~4-6 months ago is that baby brother perhaps became mobile - it is not uncommon at all for a beloved baby sibling, who previously just sat there and either wailed or delighted at you, to suddenly become a rather alarming prospect as they now have the means to come over and take whatever it is you have and would like to stay undisturbed. Whether that's the toy which is in your hand, the train track you are building or your mum's attention. This might have actually come as a bit of a shock to her, because again, being 3, she won't necessarily have understood that babies do not stay immobile forever. DS2 and 3 are 3 years apart and there was definitely a shift in their relationship when DS3 became mobile.

I made a book recommendation in my earlier post and I wanted to say a bit more about this. The author writes about children going into a state of what is essentially instinctive self-protective or defensive behaviour, and your descriptions of DD being "like a dog in a frenzy" made me think of it particularly, but the other part where she had smeared toothpaste onto the wall (on purpose to be defiant? Or almost randomly, as though for play?) and then was laughing and rolling around trying to kick you is classic stress behaviour. It doesn't look like stress, it looks like defiance, it is a particularly button-pushing type IME, but that is what stress looks like in young children. It's where the saying "behaviour is communication" comes from, because young children almost universally deteriorate in their behaviour when they are under stress. That stress can be physical, like their body trying to fight an illness, and it's possible that this current stretch of behaviour over the last 1.5 weeks is related to the infection, and might improve once the antibiotics kick in to clear it up. If you can cope it might be worth keeping her home in order to allow her more time and rest to recover. You might also find that she has earache or headache or general body ache which calpol will alleviate and help ease some of her general mood, which could also help. (She might not recognise this to be able to tell you about it.)

She sounds sensitive. I notice that you mentioned her becoming upset in response to your DS crying both when he was a newborn - trying to hit him or pull the basket down would be a very typical 2yo response to this kind of thing - as well as when your DH is playing with him. She said she would feel sad and scared if you hurt him, she shows excellent understanding of age-appropriate empathy in terms of helping others at nursery or trying to comfort him when he is upset at times. It makes me wonder if the times she is attacking him seemingly out of nowhere are when she is responding to some kind of sound he is making, maybe a whine or general distressed/impatient noise that you are tuning out as completely normal baby/toddler sounds but she is almost interpreting as a kind of emergency and her brain goes into panic mode so all she can do is follow the instinct of "make it stop"? And she can comfort him/be empathetic when the cause of his upset is clear to her but when it happens and she doesn't understand it, it throws her into that panic state. (Or she can understand it and show empathy when she isn't ill, but in her current state it's too much to process?)

Night waking and fears about monsters/the dark is very normal at this age as well but could also point to her being sensitive or worrying generally. Her saying that you "hurt her" is another common thing with sensitive children, as well as a good example of non-literal 3yo speech. It is possible that she was slightly hurt when you picked her up suddenly, but it is more likely IMO that she experienced feeling shocked/surprised/afraid to be suddenly launched into the air and to feel that you were angry, and it is this she is expressing when she says she was hurt, since it happened before you shouted.

You may find you did the right thing and it will teach her not to harm her brother.

Please don’t feel guilty - you are under tremendous pressure. Our parents would have immediately smacked her and shouted at her the first time she hurt the baby and with the vast majority of children that would have been effective in stopping them. Because we are not allowed to do that the situation continues and we end up finally snapping like you did.

Don’t worry, as long as this is the one-off exception it’ll be fine.

We really struggled with our 3 yo being jealous of the baby. We just kept trying to give her as much love and attention as possible but firm boundaries around not hurting the baby. It was a very difficult time.

This is the video course - it's really well done IMO with useful stuff right from episode 1. From the sounds of it you'll already know a lot of this, but I learnt new things from it that I do genuinely use.

I don't think the techniques in this course will stop stress behaviour. For stress behaviour you need to get to the cause. But they can help you work out causes and they might help with some of the other issues, which can alleviate stress generally. If you can work out exactly what is going on that she's trying to deal with by hurting her brother, you might be able to work out a way forward e.g. I was able to get DS2 to ask for help when he felt as though he might hurt his brother, which was successful about 80-90% of the time. He is now 8 and will still sit there and shout "HEEEEEEEELP" if he can feel himself getting close to the point of aggression (he has ADHD and possible ASD so he's not where most 8yos would be and we are working on walking away instead!)

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLh9mgdi4rNeyEGNxBvNdOVlianDYgWuc9