To be put off a 40-year-old man due to his relationship with his mother and his views about women?

[BeTidyFinch]

I’m in my early 30s and I’ve been getting to know a man who is 40. We’ve had good dates and got on well but the more I’ve learnt about him, the less comfortable I feel about pursuing anything.

His biological father wasn’t interested and wasn’t involved in his upbringing. His mother subsequently met his stepfather, who has been around ever since and they had children together. However, from the way he describes things, there seems to have been a division: him and his mum as one unit, and his mum, stepdad and their children as another.

What particularly troubles me is that, throughout his life, whenever his mother has had problems with his stepfather, she has apparently confided in her son about the ins and outs of their relationship. The way he describes it makes me feel she has treated him almost as a substitute partner emotionally. This seems to go beyond being close to your mum.

Alongside this, he has expressed views about women that I find misogynistic. For example, during a conversation about Chris Brown and Rihanna, he said “allow me to hit her”. There have also been conversations where his response to male wrongdoing has been to become defensive and bring up women behaving badly.

It’s left me with the impression that he carries resentment towards women. I wonder whether the role he’s had in his mother’s relationship has contributed to that, although obviously I can’t know for certain.

I can have sympathy for his childhood and still find his attitudes deeply unattractive. I don’t want to enter a relationship feeling I’ll have to defend women generally or deal with the fallout from boundaries he hasn’t established with his mother.

AIBU to find the combination enough to put me off, despite us initially getting on well? Has anyone encountered a similar dynamic?

The dynamic with his mother is a red herring. Because it doesn't matter if she did something 'wrong' or not does it? All that matters is that you're in a relatively new relationship with no ties and you don't like the man's attitudes. End it. You won't change him and you've probably only seen the tip of the iceberg.

I'm not clear on the Chris Brown Rihanna reference. Brown said that they had hit each other during their relationship but that he was wholly in the wrong when he assaulted her that night. Perhaps wires crossed in your conversation with your date about this? Perhaps he's misinformed?

My husband is very close to his mother and is a feminist - she was the disciplinarian in the house and packed quite a punch. So nowt wrong with mummy's boys.

Anyway, you've gone off him. Move on.

Are you saying your husband is a feminist because his mother used to hit him? Not good.

No wires crossed. During the conversation about Chris Brown and Rihanna, he said, “if a woman allows me to hit her.” My issue is that wording places responsibility on the woman for “allowing” a man to assault her, rather than on the man choosing to do it. It came across as victim-blaming and it wasn’t an isolated comment about women.

Being close to your mother isn’t the issue either. I’m talking about a mother involving her son in her relationship troubles and treating him as an emotional substitute for a partner. That’s different from the closeness you describe.

Yes, I’ve gone off him. I’m discussing the things that put me off, rather than asking how to persuade myself to continue.

You are right.

If you back away now, you don't get tangled up in his nonsense and save yourself trouble.

in the current climate any man who has any self awareness wouldn’t be leaving you with this impression. Sounds like he’s testing how easily he can lead you in conversations and if you let him have any narrative which suits him.

I don’t want to enter a relationship feeling I’ll have to defend women generally or deal with the fallout from boundaries he hasn’t established with his mother

Don't. The dating stage is foe information gathering. He has presented qho he is. Why would you ignore it and continue to a relationship with him?

Yeah don't blame his mum for the fact he hates women?! That's just as bad as the things he says about us.

He's awful and you should get rid of him.

I find it really odd that you'd even need to ask this question.

What would you if someone else came to you and said: "So, I had a few dates with a guy, he seemed OK on the first couple of dates, but the more I get to know him, the more it's become clear that he has some really horrible views about women and a weird, enmeshed relationship with his mother which is clearly messed up. I'm starting to find him really unattractive and unpleasant. I don't think he likes women very much and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Is it OK for me to stop seeing him?"

I'm guessing you would say "Bloody hell, run for the hills, he's awful."

To be quite honest, all the psychobabble about his mother and so on isn't even that relevant. It doesn't matter why he holds the views he does or whether he had a weird childhood. The fact is that you've only met him a few times and he's already making you feel uneasy. It's not your job to analyse him or fix him or make excuses for him. A relationship isn't a renovation project where you take on an unpleasant fucked-up misogynist as some kind of fixer-upper. Get rid of him immediately. He's not for you (or, from the sound of it, for anyone else).

I don’t understand. You’ve left him because of his views, your AIBU was ‘were you right to be put off’, but now you want to discuss those reasons? What’s the post for? Are you looking for some way to excuse his behaviour further, given you already think his relationship with his mother means he deserves some sympathy? Or do you want people to discuss whether men like this are ok to have a relationship with?

You have gone off him OP. Doesn't matter what the background is.

He sounds like an arsehole with mummy issues. Run !

YANBU @BeTidyFinch

1. End it

2. State a generic reason.
   Do NOT get drawn into a discussion with him about it.

3. Block as soon as you have told him it's over.

What’s the post for?

because op wants other views? You know, like how people talk about stuff.

Be glad he's shown this side of himself now before you're entangled in a relationship and run for the hills!

Whether he has a dysfunctional relationship with his mom or not, his views are worrying and you'd be insane to ignore the red flags

I think you are justified in your reasons for going off him.

He mischaracterises Chris Brown's position to make his own invalid and dull as dishwater point. Good on you for pulling down the shutters.

Sounds like his mom was a Boy Mom(TM) and this is the outcome.

I would never date a misogynostic man. Ever. Again….

Just get out now.

Stereotypes are there for a reason ... you've just seen why he's still single at 40.

The reasons for his attitudes and opinions are irrelevant. What matters is that they are not compatible with your values. Why would you even consider pursuing this?

He sounds terrible but lots of perfectly fine people are single at 45, 50, 60 etc and beyond.

His mother's emotional overdependence on him from childhood seems to have bred in him resentment towards women, driven by the effect of the unresolved frustrations & anxiety of being burdened & overshared with.

exDP has an extremely close relationship with his mum. His mum was envious of our relationship and tried to split us up. When there was nobody else within hearing distance, she would tell me I wasn’t good enough for her son.

My partner (don’t live together) is used by his mother as an emotional aid. He’s in the canaries with her this week and I couldn’t go because she wouldn’t let him add me onto the booking. I’d sack him off or you’ll end up in my position 😂

Absolutely this. It has toxic consequences for anyone who becomes mixed up with it.

Yep.. I thought that was odd.

He's not a keeper OP.