Teen not understanding how much things cost...

[HeyUpDuckie]

This month has been expensive Ive already spent £300 on my teen this month so he could go to London on a residential.
He's now asking me for £60 to go out with his mates tomorrow to do some activity along with a lift (its a hours drive.)

I don't have the funds for this Ive tried to explain its before pay day and I dont get paid yet so its not possible and to try and arrange something after but hes not having it. He has autism and struggles to understand the concept of money as does his mates.
I remember being a teen and just hanging around my mates houses but my sons mates always want to go out and do really costly things.
Aibu to say no this one time?

If he’s in a special school then he must have quite a high level of need, so it will just take him a bit longer to understand about money. It’s a really important life skill though so ultimately you’ll have to keep trying to explain and sticking to your position!

It would be worth talking to the school to understand what approach they take on teaching finances and what they think would help him.

In general for my autistic kids, saying that something is “too much” or we “can’t afford it right now” is a bit too wooly or vague for them, it either makes them stressed thinking we have no money, or they keep arguing because they don’t take it as definitive or final.

It has worked better for us to allocate budgets for fun activities, budgets for preferred snacks, budgets for meals out. And then when we spend from those budgets we get them to write it down with us, see how much budget is now left for the month, and then for anything else they want on top of that you can just explain that the budget is gone. I think they can understand that better as it’s more logical/final.

All teens nag their parents for more money.

if he’s got an allowance it’ll sink in eventually.

Consider this to be a valuable lesson- he has spent all his money and doesn't have any more until "pay day", nor do you.

Yes i think your right its the wording.
Ive just spoke to him again and explained he has had £400 came back from London with £100 and then his allowance of £100 and just spent it on random things when he could of saved that and had it to do things with his mates.
He says he now understands and has asked if we can make a separate savers account on his banking app so he can save half. Hes said his mates might not even go now hes not going So we will see...

Its so stressful when they have such high needs.

You keep giving him big amounts of money (£400 in a month!!). No.womder.he doesn't appreciate costs. I'd give him an allowance and help him learn how to budget.

That’s a great update; it’s good he understands now.

I'm afraid this is a problem of your own making.

Do you give him pocket money so he has to learn to budget and plan how he spends money? Sometimes we just have to say NO.

You don't have the money , so his being autistic is irrelevant, you don't have it and the sooner he grasps this concept the better it will be for you both.

Do you get DLA if he is under 16? You should apply if not

you think thats bad - i know someone's 24 year old who thinks my friend gets paid her whole salary once a year only....🙃

No he doesn't think it grows on tree's

Stop pandering and making excuses

Sorry do you know my son and his learning ability? He has a learning disability.

If he has SEN then YABU to expect him to understand.

OP: My son who has autism doesn't understand things other kids his age do. AIBU.
PP: he should understand
OP: My son who has autism doesn't understand things other kids his age do. Don't be so mean about children with SEN.

Why did you post OP?

If money is too abstract a concept for him would he understand better if you showed him a simple budget - say £s for food, fuel, petrol etc and include his pocket money so he can see if you give him more then you can't pay for something else?

First of all, definitely NBU to say no. And I'm glad he understands and is thinking of a plan with you - that sounds like a great step forward.

When you say "AIBU to say no this one time?" Does that mean you usually say yes even when you can't really afford it or don't want to say yes to something?

IME (I have ND DC as well) you (or well I at least) can end up stuck in loops like this, where you say yes to things because at one or more particular time(s), you can't handle the meltdown or the barrage of questions about it, but then it becomes an expectation/pattern for them so it becomes even MORE likely to trigger a meltdown or barrage of questions if you say no in future.

The best thing to actually do to handle that situation is do whatever you need to do in the short term (ie, either say no and handle the meltdown or say yes and eat the cost) but then come up with a time and place to approach the issue before the next time they ask, where you set out what you've decided the rule will be going forward - say, a set budget to cover school holidays, certain time limits for screens or whatever it is. Set it out in advance. It probably will invite a barrage of questions, but if I've set the time to deal with this as a discussion, then I am less likely to be stressed out by the questions and I can try to answer them honestly. It does usually help.

My main problem is that I tend to forget to do this, which is probably related to my ADHD, so I get blindsided by the next request, repeat the cycle and it gets entrenched until I feel absolutely sick giving in on the thing but I also can't handle the pushback when they don't want to hear no. I know it doesn't help them learn whatever I want them to learn by having the rule, and I know it doesn't help me because they are just learning that I have no bloody spine. (Unfortunately this just seems to push me into a completely dysregulated spiral and I don't know how to break out of it.)

But a couple of other things which might help.

Would it help to tell him "I need to think about this - I'm not sure if we can afford it after spending £300 last week. I'll tell you my decision tomorrow."

Totally agree that it helps to have a finite amount rather than a more vague answer.

If you're in the position of saying yes but you really don't want to say yes, can you say something like "OK - but this is the last bit of money for the holiday. Are you sure you want to spend it all on this, or would you like to save some for <whatever other thing he likes>?"

Why did you reply if you have no useful experience or advice for OP?

YANBU to say no. Maybe until he's a bit older it would be better to give him his allowance weekly rather than monthly so he can't blow it all at once?

I have a SEN child so I get that he has limited understanding of money.

some SEN children will always need help with money, even in adulthood etc.

what we’ve done with our kids is spoke to them from a very early age about outgoings and what they cover.

so my Sen 9 year old knows what a mortgage is, what council tax is and what it covers etc.

I also give my dd (suspected very mild autism) her pocket money in a yearly sum and she manages it for the year.

from your update it does sound like he does understand about money, but maybe struggles with thinking ahead when he’s got the money to spend. The only way they learn is to feel skint because they spent their money on something else.

people who are always bailed out with money never learn.

they have to feel the consequences of not having the money for something they really want.

you’re doing a great job not giving in to him and explaining where his money has gone this month. He’s now understanding and is asking for help to not have this issue in the future (the mention of a savings account).

Great idea!

Adding to my post above about visuals - could he have the weekly amount in actual money.

I would then get him to label up a few small boxes, for instance, snacks, trips, new clothes (as appropriate). Using the money from each box, as he buys say, his snacks will help him to see his money has been spent, the box is empty and can only be refilled on an identified day, each week or if appropriate earned from chores at home.

I would use consistent simple language for his finances (empty, spent, save, allowance, earnings) and apply this same language when talking about your finances too.

OP, I think repetition will help your DS understand. Come up with some clear & easy to understand examples, to illustrate what budgeting is & why it’s important, then reiterate them as often as necessary. Perhaps you & your DS could have a quick budgeting review each month, just to see where he’s at & to support him in deciding what to do with his allowance each month. Nothing heavy, just a conversation to support him with budgeting until he gets the hang of it.

I have one of them. Have spend 1k on her this month. As she is going to France with her school and she needed new clothes. She asked for trainers too. I said no as she didn't need them and suggested she put on xmas list .
She just didn't understand I just forked out 1k on her so dont have the money for 100 pound trainers.

That’s a wild claim. I have SEN and a maths degree from Oxford.

I'll bet he isn't the only child whose parent is telling them no because of the cost.