Holiday acquaintance: is this a fair message?

[SpamelaHamderson]

I’ve just come back off holiday. By coincidence, an old friend, Beth, was in the same resort at the same time. We’re not close - I haven’t seen her in person for about ten years - but we keep in touch on Facebook. So it seemed natural to meet up with her and her friend Jo while I was there.

Now, Beth is also friends with Mel, an ex-friend of mine. Mel and I were once very close, but we had a spectacular and permanent falling out. The only time Beth has referenced this is when she passed on a happy birthday message. I said I was sorry she’d been dragged into it and told her she shouldn’t feel she had to pass on messages. That was that.

Anyway, when I had a drink with Beth and Jo, Beth asked if there was any chance of me and Mel making things up. I said absolutely not; too much has happened and the friendship is beyond repair. I thought I was probably going to have to give Jo a basic explanation, but before I could, she said, “Oh, you’re THAT Spamela! Oh yes, Mel’s been really upset about your falling out. She’d love to make it up.”

I felt awkward, as I would have chanced changed the subject earlier had I known Jo knew her too. I reiterated that it was over. Jo started the whole “Oh, I’m sure you could sort it out; she just wants a chance to explain” routine. I shut it down and changed the subject, and made my excuses not long afterwards.

Anyway, it seems Jo has found me on social media and has been speaking to Mel, as Jo has messaged me saying Mel would really love the chance to explain, it all got out of hand etc., and couldn’t I just have one conversation with her? I was pretty annoyed, TBH. I have no idea why Jo would insert herself in this situation. Part of me wants to simply ignore the message, but I don’t want to give her an excuse to try again.

What do you think of this response? Does it toe the right line between friendly and firm?

“Hi Jo - I hope you enjoyed your holiday. You are kind to be concerned about your friend, but as I said on holiday, there is no going back for me and Mel and I don’t want to discuss it any further. Take care.”

That makes me think your message to Jo might go: 'thanks for your concern, but I'm not interested in renewing any kind of contact with Mel and don't want to discuss it. All the best to you.' I think that's clearer that even if Mel wants a resolution, you don't.

None of these people are your friends, including beth.

Just block her.

When you "shut it down" with Jo when she brought up the "mel /she would love to make up" thing on holiday did you make it clear you want nothing more to do with mel and that its done?
I ask because one query about any chance of reconciliation is forgivable but then following it up a second time is harassment.
If you made it clear the first time and she still badgering i think your message is a little polite ,if you didnt make it clear there was no chance and then the message is a first contact your message is fine. I have a hunch Jo will persist though.
Ive experienced something similar and when the person trying to press for reconciliation has been told one version of events they are biased and until they are told either your side in full graphic detail or told to foxtrot oscar they persist ...

"Dear Jo,
Stay the fuck out of my business. I hope you enjoyed your holiday
Spamela"

Mel is enjoying the attention and sympathy from Jo. Jo would like the Fifa Peace Prize.
I think your message was clear and polite @SpamelaHamderson

Absolutely! I'm definitely intrigued but i'm too scared to ask. 😀

hence my post

I would ignore the message. I think if you respond that leaves the door open for her to respond and try and persuade you. No response doesn't give her anything to grab hold of

I think your message is fine. Won’t instead of don’t as you are setting a clear boundary would be the only thing I’d change.

You don’t need to be mean and nasty as some are proposing and use words like ‘interfering’ as that’s inferring judgement that isn’t needed right now. There is no need to come across rudely or bitchily as others are saying.

Just say it your way which is assertive and neutral and unprovocative. Trust yourself. You did the right thing then and it’s fine now too.

It's a great response, but I would just take Mel's name out of your mouth:

"Hi Jo - I hope you enjoyed your holiday. You are kind to be concerned about your friend, but as I said on holiday, I don’t want to discuss it any further. Take care."

That way you don't reference the name that is now of no consequence to you.

As you didn’t know Jo before I would block her.

Youve been VERY clear you’re not going to speak to Mel, she hasn’t taken the ‘hint’ and is unlikely to respect any boundary to try and set.
Now is the time to act in the boundary agd to remove yourself so to speak. Theres no need to explain again what your boundary is.

I voted YABU purely because you've giving so much thought to a busybody who can't take a hint and isn't even your friend! Since she didn't take any notice of what you said on holiday, I'd say what you said above, "Jo, I don't know why you're trying to create drama where there isn't any and insert yourself into my life. Please stop."

My answer to your question is : because they've brought drama into your life.

People who are friends with others who don't respect boundaries often do this inadvertently. You can be assertive, sure, but it's much nicer not to find yourself in situations where there's a need to be.

But maybe you value online friends more than I do. To me they're not friends if we never arrange to meet up face to face. So it's of no consequence to let them go.

I can understand this. I sacked off a close friend after similar(ish) issues. She has reached out a couple of times but I'm not arsed to rekindle anything. I don't wish her any ill...I even remember her with fondness now, but I felt better for drawing my line in the sand. Still do.

“Hi Jo - I hope you enjoyed your holiday. You are kind to be concerned about your friend but I've moved on and I'm not looking to reconcile with Mel. Take care. Xx”

That seems pointless and a complete waste of OP’s time.

Gives Mel ammunition for more whining about how she really wants to be friends but OP just misunderstood her.

another vote for the OP's original message. impossible to improve upon. 👌

Ignore or a very short one liner like 'drop this please, not interested'. Nothing that can give her anything to respond on.

I'd probably just ignore it but I think your response is fine.

The most powerful reply here is No Reply. Talk about ‘mind your own business.’! Don’t dignify it.

The curse of the busybody who thinks they’re helping when they’re literally not.

You need to point out that her interference is inapropriate and that she's overstepping boundaries.

I think she's just trying to help/fix things. I wouldn't think the worst of her.
I would reply as OP suggested and like others posters have said, I would ignore any further messages if she didn't take the hint

I think that's causing unnecessary drama.
Shes just trying to help.
I'd take OPs route and only then ignore or point out her interference if she continues

Don’t respond. You don’t even know this woman. If you want to end the conversation then end the conversation.

Anyone else seeing why Jo and Mel are friendly with each other?!

Just message back “I appreciate your concern Jo. However I’ve made it clear for me there is no going back so you need to drop it now. Thanks”