Are middle aged female groups even worse than school?

[BeethovenNinth]

i have been part of a group for four years, mainly because kids were friendly and then morphed. There is a core of them who have been tight friends for years. I suspect I was only included at the start as my youngest was v friendly with theirs.

over the last few years I have met these women at various events - camping. Parties. Beach trips. Regularly. Indlvifually some are lovely and I would meet for a coffee or a cycle. As a group, it’s quite drinking and cliquey (and they are renowned for that). I don’t really drink so suspect that already sets me apart but I’m actually very good at socialising sober - most people don’t know.

over the years a few other women have been added to the group and I think the main core of the group have decided to pull it all back to their original crowd. Which they are entitled to do. So I’m no longer invited to anything except individually by the few that I would meet anyway.

I have had several years of a very tough time as one of my kids has been very mentally unwell. Since lockdown we have had anorexia, bulimia etc. this year has been the worst - it’s been utterly horrifi and we have had major self harm and an overdose and so several hospital trips. I suspect I have been on the verge of a mental breakdown but I always keep the show on the road, work wise and because I have other kids. The group know of some of these issues and a few know of this year. I am not highly negative - sometimes I will say it’s been v tough but move on as the purpose of group meets is to have light chat and a laugh.

I feel after a very long tough year I have now also been dumped by these friends. Our group chat has gone quiet as they arrange things elsewhere. It’s not just me. There are a few others in a similar place. But I have socialised the most. I have invested the most. I suspect it’s not hugely personal - I just don’t fit perhaps. But it’s so so hurtful and it’s devastated me.

it actually really hurts. Some of the social stuff has been a lovely divert from a v difficult time and I grew close to some of these women (who I might still see individually). I have helped many of them out with things etc.

i usually am mentally strong but am at such a low ebb that bizarrely this is what has finally tipped me into a very dark place. I can’t stop ruminating that people - women - can be so thoughtless. I am very kind and deliberately will never exclude anyone.

• is this because I give off an air of sadness even if I mask it?
• they maybe haven’t even thought of me at all. I’m just an aside.
• they worry if they had my life they wouldn’t cope so it’s better to avoid me?
• I have archived the group and will pull back.

i do have other friends - and i cherish them even more now.

thank you!

Thanks fecking very much. I have struggled to find people. The issue is that I have to post anonymously to protect my daughter. I did join an online call for parents with anorexic kids and whilst it was nice to see I’m not alone, it was so bleak and depressing as it was such slow and desperate progress.

most of the time I just want to have lighter chat. I tried a few therapists and didn’t click as most said how hard my life seems. And I don’t want to really talk about how shit I feel. Most look horrrified. Once you navigate CAMHS and A and E and schools with this stuff, it’s a mind fuck of a helpless place

I agree it’s not my sole battle. I have a couple of friends whose kids have been unwell with cancer. That must be very very tough but it’s also a more “acceptable” illness. There is such shame and stigma with mental health still, especially when it’s your child.

i shall self pity no more. I do wallow just now due to my low mood and it’s not healthy. Or conducive to happy friendships

There's a writer Carol Bruce who writes about gardening from seed. She doesn't plant plants, only sows seeds which she then collects from the plants and re-sows or which seed naturally. The goal is gardens requiring minimal ongoing effort. Her gardens are award winning and stunning, quite glam.

She says harsh conditions like the drought we had this summer - which other gardeners find very challenging - are good for her garden because only the surviving plants go to seed and so the quality of her seeds goes up and up over time.

Gardening from seed also means the plant itself chooses where to grow, meaning it requires less maintenance to look good over time.

The challenging conditions in your life have meant that some relationships have died off. So you don't have to invest in them anymore.

Notice where the new growth is, notice which the strong plants are. They are there.

Let these seed next year's garden.