Feeling hurt

[ByRareGreyDuck]

Hi Mumsnet.
For some context, my mum died of cancer when I was 15 and my sister 10. My dad got with a woman after six months who was not nice and never tried to get to know us (they broke up for a week once when I was about 16 and my dad said "of course she always resented the fact that I had you two" then got back with her). He was loving but very often angry (now as an adult diagnosed myself I can see it was unchecked neurodivergent rage) but he has made many decisions I will never understand.
He paid for my uni trip to new York when I was 19 (about £800) and I lost my passport just before so couldn't go. I was cursing myself and so upset but he was furious and took my sister to Venice without me, to "teach me a lesson".
Now I live 300 miles away from him and sister which is not ideal, I miss them very much and sister often makes the journey up and stays for Christmas every year. I've recently had a baby and she has met them many times but my dad only three. He missed DCs first birthday because he had come back from bali 3 days before and didn't want to make the journey.
Now he and my sister have gone to Berlin together, without asking if I and baby wanted to come (I don't expect anyone to pay for me but he is well off and retired, and took 40k off mine and my sister's inheritance from our maternal grandmother to pay off a car he'd bought). I recently went to the Cotswolds as DH's uncle has a house there and asked my dad if he wanted to meet up at a bird park to see us and DC. We were an hour away. He said he was having lunch with his brother. He could do that any day.
Now both my dad and sister are sending me photos of them in Berlin. I've had one holiday abroad in ten years and am feeling a bit left out, more because they're spending time together than anything else. AIBU?

YANBU.

Your father sounds like something of a lost cause, to be honest. I think he's too selfish to make any effort at all to see you. I doubt there's a link to you losing your passport all those years ago, although the business of taking your sister to Venice to 'teach you a lesson' was petty and spiteful - it was lesson enough that you missed your own trip.

I think you should focus on the good relationship you have with your sister, and resign yourself to taking your father as he comes - keep the door open for contact, but don't bother chasing or building expectations because he'll only disappoint you.

You may well find in years to come when he's old and infirm that he is suddenly a lot more in need of your company, and the balance of power in the relationship will naturally shift.

Thank you. This is what a lot of aunts and uncles say. On both sides! X

Re the Berlin trip, I can see why you feel left out but surely your dad can have a holiday with your sister without you being there as well? Same as he could go away with you and not invite your sister. A city break with a baby in tow wouldn't really be the same.

Do you make the trip to visit your dad very often? He is obviously going to have a closer relationship with your sister when they live close to each other and you are 300 miles away.

YANBU because he doesn't make any effort to do another holiday or type of activity with you.

As you say, I don't think the money stuff is the point here, it's more the lack of thought on his part. Do you think he does it on purpose or its an omission by thoughtlessness?

Im a bit surprised at your sister tbh, because she must have the same insight as into what he was like growing up.

Sorry I didnt read that he missed your DCs first birthday as well?? I'd be really upset about that one. You can't force ppl to be good grandparents but it still hurts. I'd be backing off considerably if I were you, to protect yourself and DC.

Do you automatically invite DF and DS on breaks and holidays you take with your husband?

I'm sorry your father isn't the man you wish he was and you didn't get the parenting a child deserves from him.
However, we can't change who people are, we just have to decide how to live with (or without) what we have.
Rather than being locked into a cycle of hope, effort and disappointment, maybe its time to drop your expectations to the floor where he is concerned.
Tell yourself that for reasons that are not your fault, your father doesn't want the same relationship you would like with him, and that you need to grieve that, and accept it. Then decide if what little he does offer you is enough, or if you'd be less upset distancing from him altogether.
Remind yourself that you have your sister, your friends, the family you created and the memory of your mum to show you are loved, and this isn't about you, it's about him.

He’s never going to be who you need him to be.

I am not a lawyer but I can be petty.

If your grandmother’s will specifically said “@ByRareGreyDuck is to receive … “ and your father used it to buy himself a car and you have received nothing, he has broken the law. So, to be petty

• see if her will has been lodged and probate granted.
• get a legal opinion. If it turns out he has broken the law and that he owns his own house
• stick a caveat on his house. Whenever he comes to sell, your interest will be noted and needs to be removed before the sale can proceed. Calculate your inheritance and don’t forget all the interest accrued in the years since.

Your dad is very happy looking after his own self interest. You could learn that lesson from him because no one else will look after your self interest.

Your df doesn't see you because when he does it's a reminder of what a terrible df he has been to you.

He won't change.

But to be fair adding a baby to any trip changes rhe dynamic immensely

.

My dad's never had a holiday with me as an adult and he had been to Venice with her before when she was 16 I think, which is why it felt so crap. Before baby (15 months) I used to get the train down about 4 times a year. Used to cost me £200+

Thank you- I honestly think it doesn't cross his mind. He rarely ever thinks he's wrong. My sister is a lot like him in some ways, when asked if I was coming down once on train I said I didn't have enough money to, and said they never gave me any money to come see them. She said "why would we"

Thank you. I do think this is the only way sadly. I'll always grieve who I wanted him to be, and will never understand why he doesn't want to spend more time with us when he says he misses our mum all the time

We've only ever been away abroad once. It was to see DH's family. But I've been thinking of doing Disneyland Paris when baby is old enough and would always invite sister.

TBH you sound a bit bitter and petty

as a parent I’d be really pissed off you were so careless about your passport before a trip I’d paid for and certainly wouldn’t be in a hurry to invite you on another holiday

For the rest of your child’s life? While inviting your other child?

Gosh I could never do this lol. I think it wouldn't work, there was some kind of loophole where it was going to my mother's estate, and as he never married again that's how it ended up. He was smug about it

OP why would they give you money to visit them?

I wonder. Never thought of that. But yes I do understand that

I was, it was just too much money.

I was always the one going to see them, never the other way, for a few years.

It’s still worth looking into. If your grandmother died after your mother then it’s not always as simple as it going to your mums estate.

and if you got some of what she left then I would suspect you were due it all.

how old were you when your grandmother died?

But you were the one that moved away, is that right? Personally I would be more concerned about the lack of effort, but you keep mentioning money in every example you give. His money are his to spend and you never going away abroad is not for him to manage.