DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

[IcyPortal]

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

couldn't agree more...

Posters saying, think of the children! don't spoil it for the kids! Just let her come this year!

I definitely don't think you should let it slip this year @IcyPortal . it will set a precedent and expectations for the children for next year.

And most importantly, your dp needs to learn to respect YOU and not make decisions before discussing things that affect both of you, with you. He owes you a massive apology and be put in the uncomfortable position of letting ex and the dc know she's not coming for xmas after all.

Maybe, instead of doing all the work, you can pay for premade Christmas platters, so all you have to do is heat and put on the table? If he objects, it's just so many people.

Especially with your own ex now coming too. (I hope).

I bet your ex isn't having his new wife do all the slave labour though.

Move on (after xmas)

He absolutely should have asked you how you felt. That said, we used to do Christmas and all sorts of big events with my dad and his new partner. We usually had Christmas with them every other year. Mum and I would often stay the night at theirs in the spare room. They’d regularly just come over for lunch. It was nice (for me) as it meant I could spend time with them without having to leave my mum.

In fact, 30+ years later, my dad is dead and I’m NC with my mum (for totally unrelated reasons). The only person I still keep in touch with is my dad’s ex partner! Obviously, it has to be something you all are comfortable with, but I do think there are a lot of benefits to the children of not being split up at the holidays or birthdays or whatever.

He's turning this on you to make you look like the bad one. Tell him he should have discussed it with you first, that is basic courtesy. Secondly, if he thinks it's such a trivial issue then he can take on the whole Christmas thing. Get him to buy all the presents, all the food, do all the cooking and see how he likes it.

"I wouldnt say we have massive rows all the time but he can be quite dismissive when I disagree with something he’s already decided."

Sounds like he's training you to not disagree with him...

If he’s dismissing you when you disagree he’s basically controlling you op. At the end of the day will you enjoy your Christmas Day and will your kids. This would be my first concern.

Absolutely not! I don’t know what’s more disrespectful the fact he didn’t ask you when it’s YOUR house or the fact he just assumed you’d be ok with his ex wife coming over to play happy families.

Id be telling him that you’ve thought really hard about it and what a lovely thing it was to do for his children so you thought you’d do the same for your children and have invited your ex, sure that’ll go down swimmingly!

Mwah!

Thanks @Allmychickenscometoroost

(Not married, Not remarried, Not Re-Partnered, No kids, etc..,)

Agree with this

he now does 💯 of all mental load, shopping cooking AND gets you a fab gift

you do nothing

let him know one of your ex’s is coming

So your dcs would probably love to have their dad there too then? Won't they wonder why the others mum is invited but their dad isn't?
I'd invite him and give your dh half the work to do. Sounds like half his family will be there anyway.
You're not being petty at all. I'd be fuming.
You need to change the way in which you handle situations like this in the future. You can match what he does and make decisions without consulting him or call him everytime.
He's being thoughtless especially as you have work the night before.

Petty is a fine word to throw into a conversation when someone calls you out. He’s defensive because he knows he should have run it by you. ‘But the girls!’

Would you be happier if he and girls went to his ex Xmas day instead?

Look dude. You need to think like your bloke here. Put your head to one side or you'll be taken for a mug forever more.

Tell him you've invited the bairns dad, that you thought what an excellent idea it was to have kids parents there on Christmas day and thank him for the idea. Just say it. You don't have to invite him (although I would)

Or tell him thankyou for volunteering to take over all the Christmas shit work. It'll be nice for you to put you feet up with a sherry or whatever.

Do not suck it up. Or it's a green light for every single thing he'll take you for granted for.

This isnwhat l would do too. Penny might drop then. Stupid twat inviting his ex without checking.

I’d do two things: ask him if you can invite your ex too (he doesn’t need to know you won’t)

tell him he’s now cooking seeing as he hasn’t asked you if you mind adding extra people in. He can take over as he’s obviously in charge of Xmas dinner.

Whose house is it, just out of interest?

This. He needs to be the one in the kitchen and doing the hosting….

Hear hear, that's what I was thinking.

This relationship isn't working @IcyPortal and moving in together whilst your children are still so young and the relationship was still relatively young was unwise too.

His inconsideration would piss me right off, and as I'm the stubborn type, I'd realise his attitude is not compatible to a respectful, thoughtful relationship together, so I'd be looking to separate before Christmas and he can then deal with organising and hosting Christmas himself.

Did you move in with him? I'm wondering if it's his place, it makes him think he gets to make the decisions. If he moved in with you, I'd tell him to leave by the end of the month.

Don't let yourself get walked over by a thoughtless man who never considers your opinion, wants or needs.

Of course he should have had a conversation with you before inviting someone to Xmas day, no matter who it is.

I’d fake a smile on Xmas day, get on with it as un-inviting her now would be so hostile and dramatic. But i’d never make the mistake of hosting a big group of his family for Xmas again.

Hopefully they’re just trying to be friends and coparent well, rather than him still holding a torch.

I haven't RTFT. I'm sure lots of posters are jumping to ending your relationship.

Christmas is about charity and reaching out to people who have less than you do, and not just in terms of money. Be grateful that you are with a kindhearted man who wouldn't see someone he once loved and who is the mother of his children alone at Christmas, while he has a lovely time with his loved ones. And the children are so happy. Such a Christmas will be something they'll remember when their parents are long gone. If him and her wanted to be together, they would be. No good marriage ends in divorce. Now, pull up your big-girl pants and be an adult about this. Welcome her warmly and with grace. You would want the same in her shoes.

I do think he should have discussed it with you, but perhaps he didn't because he thought you would say no.

P.S. As a gracious and charitable host, you should reach out to her, soon, by text or email, to reiterate the invitation, so that she knows she is welcome. Say that you are excited to have her over and that the children can't wait. Ask if she has any special dietary requirements and let her know what you'll be cooking.

This is what a person of quality does.

If he uninvites her now then his daughters may choose to spend Xmas with their mother instead.

Zero consideration for you emotionally and physically. He's clearly shown you your order of priority in his life; children, his ex, him, your children and then you.....
Like others have already said, tell him that he now has to take on the FULL responsibility of hosting to include all the prep and cooking etc whilst you get to put your feet up (and get shit faced to cope with having to smile and be pleasant to his ex all day) for once.
Moving forwards, I'd be seriously reconsidering this one way relationship.