Mum friend took the piss????

[teenagedirtbag1990]

AIBU to think my mum’s friend took the piss on holiday?
I’ve just come back from a holiday with my mum and her friend, and I honestly feel like her friend has completely taken the piss.
I paid for the caravan, and her friend didn’t offer a penny towards it. She didn’t offer any petrol money, didn’t offer to contribute towards food, and didn’t offer to buy anything while we were away.
On top of that, she did absolutely no cooking or washing up. It was as though she was there to enjoy the holiday while everyone else paid for everything and did all the work.
In the end, I actually had to demand that she paid for the fish and chips takeaway because she hadn’t offered to pay for anything at all!
What makes it worse is that, on our last holiday, she specifically mentioned how she would help out on this holiday. So I expected her to make some effort this time, but she blatantly didn’t.
She also knows I’m saving for IVF, so money isn’t something I can just throw around. I’m trying to save for something incredibly important to me, which makes the whole situation even more frustrating.
The thing that really annoys me is that my mum seems to think all of this is perfectly fine. She just brushes it off, whereas I feel her friend is taking advantage of her kindness and walking all over her.
I know my mum is an adult and can make her own decisions, but I find it difficult to sit back and watch someone take so much without offering anything in return.
I’m not expecting everything to be split down to the last penny, but surely basic manners would mean offering some petrol money, contributing towards food, or at least helping with the cooking and washing up?
AIBU to think her behaviour was incredibly cheeky and that she took the piss? Or am I being unreasonable for expecting her to contribute when I paid for the holiday?
I’m also frustrated that my mum thinks it’s okay, especially when her friend had previously said she would help out this time.

YANBU in your expectations

But

YABU for being such a wet lettuce and not saying a thing the whole time on a holiday you had paid for!

I don’t understand why (having been on holiday with this lazy tight person before), you let her come again?!

OP: Mum, I’ve paid for a caravan for you and me to go on holiday in October!
Mum: oh, lovely. Shall I invite my complete arsehole friend again?
OP: No.

Talk us through why this wasn’t your conversation…!

You should have discussed money before booking!
This holiday is costing xxxx including fuel & food, split that between 3 people and we all pay xxxx each, if she refuses then she doesn’t get to go!!

Yanbu but should’ve said more at the time.

Absolutely don’t go on holiday with her again.

A relative of mine "broke up" with a best friend of decades after CFery like this. I don't understand how some people are wired. Treating normal people like an all inclusive. Incredible.

Sounds like all you actually did is ask her to pay for fish and chips on the last night.

You should’ve been commenting every day. When you got there - “could you transfer me £20 towards the petrol please Sheila”

When she’s got her feet up while you’re clearing up after dinner “remember how you said you were going to help out this time Sheila? Your turn tomorrow!”

”Sheila the food bill for the week was £75, could you let me have your £25 towards it please”.

Just keep repeating until you get your money/she helps out.

You’ve allowed it to happen by not pushing back more.

People like that need telling. They sit under the fake "well you never asked" facade. When they know full well what they should be doing as they're an adult.
"Washing up needs doing (CF name)"
"It's £30 for petrol & £30 for food"
don't give them the chance to do doing nothing.

Next time, don't go. Job done.

“I can tell all the people on here saying 'it could have been avoided if you asked her to do xx'/ 'why didn't you just ask her to contribute' are the CFs in some other poor person's lament.”

Rubbish.

I commented that op should have been more insistent but in no way am I a CF myself- I will always make sure I’m doing an equal share of the work and paying an equal/fair share of the bill.

For that reason I wouldn’t let anyone else get away with not doing the same.

Set the standards and expectations before the event dont complain afterwards if you know this behaviour is common. Being to the point such as with the price of petrol im going to need your share upfront to fill the tank please

Why would you choose to go on holiday with her if you knew she was a CF?

You should have split costs before you booked anything.

Didnt you just spend 7k on a holiday to the Maldives?

Surely you cant be that broke then

Just for the fish and chips? Not enough.
Ypuve been away with her before and she was like this, so why are you surprised? Why were you not more assertive?
Before even booking the accommodation you should have asked for her third. Before letting her step in the car you should’ve told her what the petrol costs would be. Then throughout the holiday not washing up after her, not paying for her.
Youre not unreasonable for thinking she should offer and thinking she should pay/help. But you need to be more assertive with people like that.

This.

Why on earth did you allow it to happen???

When you buy petrol you say "your contribution is £xx, Anne. Do you want to run to that cash machine over there or will you do me a bank transfer?". And then sit tight until she does it.

Same with caravan cost / site fees, food bills, etc. Just ask her for her share.

Ditto re chores .. "come on Anne, it's your turn to wash up, I'll help you" and then stand over her until she gets up.

It is possible that because you keep paying for your mother’s holidays, the mother’s friend think you’re rolling in it. Older people do also tend to think like that anyway, when they see the younger generation’s salaries (apparently, inflation is not a thing) and their new cars. So, she prob thought ‘oh wow someone else is so rich she can pay for 3 people. I’ll just have a lovely relaxing holiday, thanks.’

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was brought up in a family where everyone knew rules like this and I ve just, also, just woken up to a P** taking friend, that I ve just returned from holiday with. This friend always receives a CARD and Present from me but not once has asked me when my birthday is. Always expects me to pay for taxi when we go out. Gets so parasitic drunk that requires physical assistance to mobilise home. Needs all sorts of mindful monitoring and assistance like she plays dumb all the time snd I know its a passive tactic and mind game. I'm done.

Solution is simple. Stop taking her on holiday with you.

I’d call her and explain that as she did absolutely nothing and paid for nothing, she won’t be invited again! Why should she get away without feeling any guilt? Hell no

I'd be adding uo the cost of the food/accommodation/petrol & telling her she's owed a third. Don't repeat the holiday again

Can you send a message saying I've added up what we spent and it's £x so you owe me £y. I do this with friends and family, we use an app called tricount to keep track so it's split fairly. If she doesn't transfer the money I wouldn't be doing it again!

My mum has a friend like this. Never offers to pay when out even if with a third person and Mum and third person are arguing about who is paying they sit back and say nothing. She is the Mum of a girl I was at school with and they have been abroad together and my Mum will buy me a present and will say are you not going to get something for your daughter as a gift and they will look at my Mum as if she's mad. (Even though me and the daughter are both in our early 40s my Mum always likes to bring a small gift back for me) Same woman married a widower with 3 children, youngest was 19 when he died and a friend of mine. Due to some issue with will she kept money which was their mother's even though it should have gone to the children. Even my Mum agrees that was wrong but she didn't care.

This reminds me of the time I was early 20s and me and my boyfriend paid to take my sister and my 2 nieces to a well known forest holiday park. There was a spare room so I let her invite a friend to come and stay one of the nights. Her friend came with her daughter, with gifts for my sister, and then posted a glowing post about how fabulous a person my sister is for inviting them.......not a thanks, kiss my butt or anything else from either of them to us. Yes I was that much of a pushover 😣🙈😅

that’s not the point 🤦‍♀️

People like your mum's friend are so frustrating and tedious to deal with. Bad enough that she doesn't pay her way or help in other ways, but that leaves you in a situation where you have to ask/ remind her to contribute. It is supposed to be your holiday too and this woman doesn't realise/care that you are spending it seething with resentment, instead of having a relaxing time. Ditch her, simple as that. I dislike her and I don't even know her!