Sigh…..co parenting

[Nightninjj]

I’ll try and make this short as possible. Ex has children every other weekend and every other Monday. We spoke yesterday regarding the approaching school holidays and as it is his Monday he should have the kids from Monday morning, however, his plan is to pick them up Monday night and drop them Tuesday morning as he just wants that overnight stay.

his house is a 40 minute drive away, the whole thing seems absolutely pointless.

I would want an agreement in writing going forward that defines a 24 hour period of parental responsibility. It isn’t just this one Monday. What if the children are sick and can’t go to school. Is he responsible for watching them on the Monday or the Tuesday? Presumably he is going to try to claim neither, but it should be in the agreement and clear which day is his responsibility. Which day does he pay for their lunch at school? If he has them on the Monday night, it should be either the Monday or the Tuesday. What about before and after school childcare?

What's the usual arrangement for school holidays? Do you just stick with alternate weekends and Mondays?

So is the issue that he doesn’t want them in the day or that you don’t want them to go overnight?

He doesn’t pay for any lunches at all as that is what he pays me for? No school uniform, no extras, nothing. He is even trying to reduce the payments due to him collecting them and he lives so far away.

I think you should stop the Mondays completely unless this day joins onto the weekend he has the dc. The Monday is very disruptive and he doesn’t spend time with the dc anyway.

There is no right and wrong. It is standard to agree a separate arrangement for holidays. Have you just separated? Have you never been in this situation before?

As for paying, do you claim UC and do you get help with childcare costs?

No I don’t and no I don’t get help with costs

I can’t just stop them? There is no court arrangement and I do want them to see their dad more. That night seems completely pointless though, even when it is school he picks them up at 6pm after after school club and takes them to school in the morning. All for the sake of not paying me extra which I won’t tell cms about.

You can as there isn’t a court order. Evening pick up and school drop off the next morning - what’s the point?

I don’t think them seeing him for the evening is pointless and you said it was your idea. He just wants the same arrangement as on a school night. While I agree he should have them for the whole day on Monday and if he can’t then he should pay holiday club, I am not sure there’s much you can do about it unless you go to court (which will
have a cost) to get timings and responsibilities for payment set in stone.

Wasn’t it your idea though? I thought you said it was so that they see him every week

Ah post separation abuse disguised as joint custody, but it actually isn’t because he literally does less than the bare minimum & does stuff like this to make your life harder. Unfortunately with men like this you have to take it to court to get it set out in black and white, in great detail. Because otherwise they walk all over you whilst laughing about it. I had 16 years of it, but to all his family & friends he was a great Dad, & I was the difficult one.

Messy thread with all the deleted posts

A day shipyard be 24 hours.
i would make him choose between Monday am pick up or not dropping off until Tuesday after work. Be unavailable for him on whatever day he picks. He needs to take annual leave to cover it.

I mean I have always done it that it would be my time till school collection time on the day they would be going soooo in your case, child would be my responsibility till 1530hrs on Monday, other parent collects 1530hrs for their over night and then they would be responsible for child care the Tuesday till 1530hrs. Maybe I’m the backwards one. But the I’ve done it that way because if it was court ordered and child was poorly they would ring me because dads time wouldn’t be till school pick up time. Either way either the Monday or Tuesday would be the other parents responsibility to either take time off work or arrange and pay for child care.

if it doesn’t work for you then it doesn’t work. Personally I would be saying you are fine with Monday but he will have to sort out Tuesday childcare because you also have work then send him the details where he books childcare for and where he pays for it xx

Just read some of your other replies. I see there is no court order. You want them to have more time with their dad which is healthy but sadly however infuriating and mind blowing whether you feel their isn’t any point in the other night on certain days of the week doesn’t really matter so to speak. It’s not just about how much time they are having with him it’s also about them having him put them to bed, taking them to school or before/after school club it’s about doing normal things. Does that make sense? For us mums/resident parent those few hours don’t really make sense Christ often blows my mind 🙈 but it’s those little things my now teens missed post divorce, I didn’t understand it but it’s those times they look back on and enjoyed…..not that they were ever that bothered me doing that 95% of their lives 😂. What I would put my foot down about is not having childcare in holidays on his days fall on you when you work too. If he insists I would be saying holidays will have to vary or he can have an additional night elsewhere.

I strongly advise you go to court. You aren’t taking anything away than what you’ve already given. All you would be doing is protecting yourself, your child and also it would protect him in the long run. But when you do you need to be very specific on collection times and responsibilities a bit like an ‘idiot guide’ and insist the court our needs to be very specific. It will usually say that variations can be made if both parties agree but you don’t have to agree to be fully responsible in holidays in his contact day. It’s irrelevant what you think his intentions are about cms. Without court order cms will take what the resident parent says contact and over nights are if no court order if both parents can not agree to cms how many nights the non resident parent has. I strongly suggest you get a court order it protects everyone

This, this is exactly how it is

So is there no change in his access during school holidays.?

He still only has them EOWeekend and EOMonday?

And if that's the case, is that his choice or yours?

Another fucking useless father

Don’t take away the Monday overnight but he should also pick up some additional time - ideally a day or two off work to spend with them but if he can’t get the time off then sort out chidlcare/take them to holiday club

This sounds like you are both correct.

If he usually has them 4pm on a Monday and pays for ASC until he can pick them up at 6pm, then it sounds as though he has assumed that is what the arrangement is.

If he had picked them up 7am and taken them to school then I'd say yes it would be obvious that he should have them Monday.

But it would appear that you both have not clearly laid out terms so you are both assuming the other covers the day time.

As you made babies together you are going to have to have an adult conversation and figure this out properly and come to a clear "rota".

if I am being completely honest it would be easier for me if he didn’t see them at all. i have to prepare everything for when they go to dads and on the Mondays he does have them on school days, homework isn’t done etc. I pay for the school trips that fall on his days and he has never once offered to help me financially with anything (granted he pays cms but that is only because he has too and he can’t even pay that on time)

he is trying get reduced payments because the new woman he lives with has a child which he sees more than his own children. To be honest I wish he would just vanish.

If it was my choice I would have 50/50 but he ‘cant’

But you don’t. You say she is available for pick up at 9am or earlier, if you can’t do that then she can stay with me once I’ve canceled work anyway. I’ll adjust the claim. Feel
free to take me to court to explain you only want your daughter for hours she is asleep in the school holidays so you don’t have to pay anymore for her. Let me know if you’ll be there by 9 and I will make sure we don’t head out earlier. And leave the house at 8:50 if you haven’t heard from him, and adjust the claim.