Split families should have similar standards of living?

[kevinandgail]

AIBU to think that split families should have similar standards of living. Not one household living hand to mouth and the other wearing designer clothes and flying business class.

I think it very much depends on length of marriage, who’s earning what and how far the disparity. There’s a world of difference in a 3/4 year marriage breaking down, one partner earning significantly more and the other with a hobby job, m and a 20 year marriage with kids where one partner has clearly sacrificed their earning capacity to support a high earning partner.

Eh? That's exactly how i finance my life, I don't need a man to support me and I'm certain I'm not the only woman doing the same

Why would only a man think like that?

How do you police that?
Just imagine that a regular family with 2 small children divorces, then the man eventually remarries to a very wealthy woman (or vice versa). Would you expect the second wife to hand money over to the first wife so that their income was equal? I’m sure that if the second wife posted about that scenario on here the overwhelming response would be that the 1st wife was a cheeky fucker!!!

I think if a relationship breaks down and one party has an abundance of resources and the other has very little (despite doing everything to increase this), it is a moral stain on the wealthy party to watch their children live in a home without access to appropriate heating, clothing, food etc and do nothing about it.

That said, I don’t think both households need to have the same (or even similar tbh) standards of wealth. The basics absolutely should be met in both households though.

If one side is considerably better off , it could be down to many factors . And hopefully CM would take that into account . But after that it's up to the individual parent to enhance their own income . However I think it would be good to support any DCs as adults if you can . Directly helping your DCs but not subsiding the household .

Yabu it depends on many factors as to why the scenario in your OP could be the case.

I don't really agree. I think everyone should be able to afford all of the essentials in life so that they can maintain a decent standard of living. And I think that all parents should contribute fairly towards the cost of raising their children.

I don't think everything has to be equal though. As long as everyone's needs are met, it is ok to have differences. It can be explained to children that one parent earns more than another. It is not reasonable to expect that an ex should maintain your lifestyle indefinitely.

I think the split should be around raising children equally - so 50:50 over just pure finances.

If a woman has given up her career or a father theirs to be a SAHP, or a career has stagnated due to being the primary carer that should be taken into account for a period of time to allow the other parent to build a career.

I think if the higher earner with the career doesn’t want their children 50:50 then they payments should reflect the range that does to the other persons career as well as just for raising the children.

Personally I’d to see the default being about equal raising of the children being priority over who pays what. I think if the expectation was based around care, housing, childcare costs etc we’d see a different outcome in children’s standards of living over 2 households by default.

This is true & divorce does aim for that parity. However it may not appear that way. My ex bought a small, 3 bed with minimal mortgage & mortgage term of 20 yrs. I’ve bought a 5 bed with a mortgage term of 30 years. To the outside it looks like things are uneven, when in fact the judge awarded her 70% of the equity & me 30%. The additional mortgage i would have had If we’d bought the same place, same term would have then roughly evened out our incomes. I can afford holidays & trips away as I prioritise them, she doesn’t. So looks can be very deceiving.

How would this work in practice though. Mum and dad divorce. Mum stays single, dad has an average job but marries a high earner.

Does new wife have to give her husbands ex wife money?

If I separated with DH I wouldn't expect designer clothes just because he has. If he had other DC and was putting them in designer clothing I'd expect my DC to have that too.

No. We earn over 6 figures in our household and DH pays maintenance to the ex. DH earns 20% more than me and I am not financially responsible for DSS (and formerly DSD who is now an adult) However, as our money is pooled, technically, I contribute towards things like holidays/tutoring/extra clothing/ miscellaneous extras when he’s with us.

Anyway, the ex chooses to work part time in a minimum wage job. She could at least work full time, especially as DSD has left home and DSS is in sixth form but she prefers not to. It’s not our responsibility to support her financially to stay at home. The kids will inherit from us one day, they won’t inherit from her (she’s told them, plus she rents anyway) so they’re not doing too badly.

What’s the story here? I can’t say I agree. I was the main breadwinner and earned 90% of the household income. Now we are divorced I live a very comfortable life with our daughter. He contributes a minimal amount in child support and sees her whenever he wants, which is several times a week as we live quite close. He is not living hand to mouth but he certainly can’t afford the same lifestyle I have. Nor should he - I provide everything for our daughter and then some and he lucked out that he can pop in whenever, have a good relationship with her and not have to pay much child support.

In no universe do I think our standard of living should be the same.

Most ridiculous of the ridiculous takes I've seen on Mumsnet. How would that work exactly?

Depends. 20 year marriage with kids then - yes - the assets should be split in such a way that both sides have a similar standard of living. Which means that if one partner sacrificed their career to be the main carer then that partner should probably get the lion’s share.

Shag behind a bus stop with consequences - not so much.

I don’t agree with this either, I think it has to be dependent on the income and outgoings of each side of the split. If person A works harder and doesn’t spend frivolously and person B chooses to work partime and spend lots on eg meals out and skincare then person A will have more money 🤷🏻‍♀️

It wasn't my experience post-divorce, it isn't my experience over a decade on.
Still in privately rented as I don't earn enough to be able.to buy.
I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 to 46.
My ex-h loves his swimming pool I can imagine, but I'm far happier!

It’s never as simple as that.

can be many reasons.

I know a fiend of mine whose ex remarried a lady who worked hard and earned well. He gave up work to look after their children (he was a teacher) That was tough on the Mum as no CMS but it was 60/40 at that time so little received anyway. Her children are not excluded from things and the new wife while doesn’t necessarily pay towards the monthly bills they are included on some amazing holidays- skiing etc. The marriage split was the cause of the difference - smaller house etc

For me during my marriage I didn’t loose my career and if we unfortunately did split it would have been fairly even because we both are at similar levels and have shared the responsibilities of the children growing up.

Just tell us what’s going on and how this came about

@SeraphionLightbringer Why does she find herself renting? Didn’t they own a marital home together?

Not if the new wife is career focused and you chose to be a SAHM. She shouldn’t be funding anyone else.

I suspect you only think this becsuse it would work in your favour Op?
If you were expected to give money to your ex so everything nice and equal would you feel the same🤔

By that logic surely you would say the one with the highest income should have primary custody over the child. Arguably then the child would have a comfortable lifestyle? (Playing Devils advocate!)
Honestly, the money given for the child should be used for the child, and if one high earning parent is willing to see their child living hand to mouth and resents paying any more out, they are shitty parents.

This

Mmmmmmmm my husband and I are both high earners, which of us has sacrificed our careers to support the other? Given that that’s apparently needed for career success…….which of us has done it?

OP I certainly agree that whilst still together both parents need to think hard about how they will both fulfil their financial responsibilities to their children.