I feel bad but AIBU

[ThisCoralExpert]

AIBU to think my husband is unfairly blaming me for his son’s GCSE results?
I would really appreciate some honest opinions because I’m struggling to understand whether I’m being unreasonable here.
My husband has cheated on me multiple times. The most recent incident was the fifth time I’ve discovered him being involved with another woman. This time, she was living in another country, but he was messaging her, sending her money and hiding it all from me.
Throughout our marriage, there has been a lot of lying, gaslighting and emotional turmoil. By the time I discovered this latest betrayal, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was in a really bad place because of everything that had happened.
We also live with his son, my stepson, who was sitting his GCSEs at the time.
Unfortunately, my stepson didn’t pass any of his GCSEs. Not a single subject.
Now my husband is blaming me. He’s saying that I punished his son by not helping him with his schoolwork or being involved enough in his education.
What I find difficult to accept is that, during this period, my husband himself wasn’t putting in the effort to support his son’s education. From my perspective, he seemed to be spending more time and energy hiding his relationship with this other woman than focusing on what was happening at home.
I wasn’t deliberately withholding help from my stepson or trying to punish him. I was simply struggling to cope emotionally with what my husband was putting me through.
I understand that children shouldn’t suffer because of problems between adults, and I genuinely feel sad that my stepson didn’t get the results he needed.
But I also feel that my husband is now placing the responsibility on me rather than acknowledging his own role as a parent.
AIBU to think it’s unfair for my husband to blame me for his son’s GCSE results when I was struggling mentally because of his repeated infidelity?
I’m genuinely interested in hearing different perspectives, even if you think I could have handled things differently.

YABU to still be with this terrible person. He is a dreadful husband and inept father. This is not your fault, and you should not for a moment be listening to any more of this total bollocks from him.

Probably the fact that she needed to ask and that she's still with the piece of shit.

You have been seriously conditioned. I'd get to therapy ASAP if I was you.

The 3% are people who think that she is stupid to stay with him after cheating so much. And then even more stupid for asking the question about whether she is to blame for her stepsons results, when she clearly isn't. I'm sorry, I know I sound unkind, but it's utterly ridiculous.

There is a point where people have to take responsibility for sorting their life out. And the OP is way past that point

Why would you worry about a lying, cheating , gaslighting piece of excrement blaming you for anything?

YABU for staying with him and expecting him to stop cheating/start treating you well….

Why are you still with him?

I dont think you are to blame for your stepsons exam failures. Your dh is projecting .
I imagine there are many reasons why you DSS did poorly in his GCSE exams.
What does your DSS say he thought was the reason he did so badly,what did his school say was the reason he did so badly and what were his predicted grades?
Presumably your DH has discussed the above with his DS and his school?
Im certain they wont have said it thecoralexperts fault because she was so upset to find her DH cheating on her ...yet again for the hundreth time.
Im sorry your DH has treated you so badly and has not supported his DS.
I hope you have some support IRL from family,friends or professionally.
Your DH behaviour is not your fault,Your DH lack of educational support for his DS is not your fault. You do have some responsibility for staying with a man who treats you so appallingly though.
As they say on mumsnet ,time to get your ducks in a row and take care of yourself amd your children.
I hope you can value yourself.

I think even if he didn’t cheat and was a good husband it would have been unreasonable to blame you for that!! It’s his child. A step parent supports but does not replace the actual parent!

I dont think you are to blame for your stepsons exam failures

You don't think she is?

Do you want to rethink that wording?

YANBU but also YABU for putting up with this wanker and not telling him to fuck off

I think you’re being unreasonable for putting up with your situation. My marriage would have been over the day I discovered the first infidelity and I can’t imagine being under the same roof as any man who had cheated on me five times.

It’s just a turn of phrase. Calm down. Blimey!

Affairs aside, let’s think this through logically.

Your husband is your SS primary carer.

A GCSE course is two years.

School would likely be flagging issues with the primary carer.

At 15/16 a young person needs to take some accountability for disappointing results.

Not only is blaming you wrong, but I suspect it is doing the young person involved no favours at all.

No,i'm happy with my thoughts on this.

Ask him why is it your responsibility to teach his son when he doesn't bother to help him himself?! Also leave him!

He's just flinging shit to try to distract you and keep you off balance - you are clearly exhausted, and the fact that you're even asking this question shows that it's working.

Please take a breath and figure out how you're getting out of this relationship.

This!

So this man, who has treated you like poop, lied, behaved awfully is now blaming you for HIS son's results? How is that a shock to you? He clearly thinks he can do no wrong, would never take any accountability for his actions, his son's care is part of that, I would expect it with all aspects of his life.

He is eroding you, have you not thought about getting out of this situation? You may well get some confidence back too - certainly more peaceful emotionally.

Good luck with the therapy, but it will work/help you a lot more if he wasn't there. He's going to dig in and try and undo any good you manage to do for yourself. I do hope you leave him, you deserve more, so do your children.

Why are you more bothered about your husbands view around supporting DS’s GCSE’s than you are about him having multiple affairs??

This. He has really pushed you deep under twisting reality so that it suits his narrative. For an outsider it's very easy to see but you need to really get to the point where you start to trust yourself and see what a horrid human being this man is. That's why you need therapy NOW.

It’s his son & primarily his responsibility.
He could have spent the money he gave to a stanger on the internet, to a tutor.
He could have spent the hours & effort he spent cheating on you helping his son.
For God’s sake ditch this gaslighting piece if shit.

Because she's a kind, caring person and she has been gaslit into feeling guilty for SS performances rather than focussing on her twat of a dh infidelities.