Daughter’s bf practically living with us

[flusteredandnothandlingwell]

My daughter, 28, lives with me and pays half of all bills and mortgage. Her bf of 2 years practically lives with us, at least 4/5 nights a week. He has a very comfortable home where he lives with his affluent parents and pays no rent.

i get on with him brilliantly and he’s a lovely lad, but resentment is creeping in. We came to the agreement that he would contribute £120 per month a while back, however I can see now that this is not a reasonable sum especially as I provide very nice meals several nights each week.

He will always help out and pick stuff up from the shop if needed with his money.

My daughter argues that he helps her out financially which is a huge bonus for her. He earns good money but does gamble a bit and I don’t think saves much.

We have just had a massive row because I saw earlier that she’d washed his clothes, she often cooks his work pack ups here too. I handled it really badly by asking ‘whoever clothes are these hanging up?’ When I knew perfectly well. I just felt anger and resentment growing inside, I’ve lost respect for him for not stepping up, I’ve been feeling like this for a while. I’m charming to his face and very accommodating to them both but then I feel angry that he’s not making a fair contribution.

My bf lives a distance away and has only stayed here a handful of times so I go to his house at weekends, leaving them the place to themselves. In our argument earlier I pointed out that he has the house with her every weekend and she shouted back ‘you expect me to stay here on my own?’. They very rarely stay at his house as they prefer it here. I’m finding it all too much.

How do handle this now and what is fair? To add we’ve just lost an elderly parent recently and I am undergoing chemo for recently diagnosed cancer. I struggle financially even though I work full time as I’m paying off old debts from the past, I never received maintenance from my children’s father so it’s been hard.

When I started chemo she said he wouldn’t be here so much however nothing has changed. I have a weakened immune system so anyone extra is a risk.

Grateful for any practical ideas. She’s just sent me an article telling me I’m bipolar and need help.

The thing is that you and her are living like housemates. She is paying half. Presumably your boyfriend could stay. Hers is staying and also paying towards bills.
Maybe it’s better if she starts looking for her own place.

I would start the conversation with them both - saying as you live and eat here most of the week - what do you think a fair amount is …. Then take it from there .
Maybe he just hasn’t given it any thought as it hasn’t been raised ?
do you want him to split halves with your daughters contribution or pay extra on top ?

I was feeling a bit for her until you said about the article . Quite bitchy of her . It's all very well him helping her out financially but that's not much help to you , is it ? Maybe just shop and cook for yourself from now on . But there is no point in simmering , saying nothing and then it blows up out of proportion. You need to realize that you are in danger of driving her away and then what will happen financially? I had my DD living here while she was saving . So many things irritated me but I reminded myself that I want her to feel happy to be here and let an awful lot go .
Talk later when calm and explain your concerns about your treatment too.

Well I mean would you be able to afford to live without her financial contribution? It doesn’t sound like it so not sure you can be setting house rules as if she was a minor child..

But they don’t save - they buy expensive takeaways most nights, go to very expensive restaurants and he buys her designer clothes and handbags…
we’re having a full blown argument by text now, she’s telling me they are going to rent somewhere and I’ll be left suffering.. nice

No I wouldn’t - but I could sell or rent out my house and move in with my bf who has offered me to live with him rent free

You have said you cook several nights a week. But they buy takeaways most nights and go to expensive restaurants. That doesn’t tally.
Regardless it sounds like you don’t want him there and your relationship with your daughter is suffering as you resent them both.

Tell her she can stop helping with bills now and she has 6 weeks to move out as you are putting the house on the market and moving.

Sell up and buy a one bedroom for yourself.

You'd get more support from boyfriend.

You said she pays half the bills and half the mortgage, does this mean her name is on the mortgage?

You also mentioned no child maintenance from the children’s father, I’m assuming you don’t mean the 28 year old, how many younger children do you have?

Oh sweetheart, I really feel for you, you’re going through so much right now. I’m also going through chemo & when I read that you are, I can totally see that it’s all too much. You’re dealing with the fear, grief, sickness from the chemo side effects. You’re grieving a parent, it sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t live very nearby AND you’re still working full time. That’s A LOT. It’s totally understandable that’s going to bring up feelings of anger & I wonder if your daughter’s boyfriend is getting the brunt of that anger because he’s always there, when really you could do with your parent & boyfriend there, supporting you through all this instead. You need looking after at the moment rather than feeling that your daughter’s boyfriend’s the one who’s being looked after, with his washing getting done, lunches made & not having to worry about money.
At the moment you have more than enough on your plate, without potentially falling out with your daughter over this. Have a think about what her boyfriend needs to do to stop you feeling this way - what’s a reasonable amount of rent you feel he needs to pay? Probably don’t make it a huge hike, anything more than an extra £100/150 a month would probably be too much. Try & keep things factual when you raise it with them, say you’re struggling financially, under budgeted both what you thought the extra costs would be (gas/electric/water/food) & how many nights he’d stay over.
All the best with your chemo, you’ve got lots going on at the moment, try not to add any more potential negativity to that. Take care.

I cook maybe 2/3 nights a week and they eat out or get takeaways the rest of the time.
maybe I’m just too territorial.

You cook for them all and have modelled to your daughter that women should mother the men. Is it any wonder your daughter does the same with her partner?

Gee thanks for your sympathy! A very cutting a cruel response, did you read what I’m going through in my original post?

Don’t move in with bf for “free”. You would be putting yourself in another ambiguous situation. Either try and rebuild with your daughter and see if you can agree what you both feel is reasonable or get yourself somewhere you can afford yourself.

She needs to leave home and grow up properly. She doesn’t want her mum in her business telling her how to live and you don’t want to financially support her boyf.

I’m sorry for your health problems and your bereavement, i wish you all the best.

It sadly sounds like your daughter has outgrown this arrangement.

She wants to live with and spend time with her boyfriend which is totally normal and fine.

She currently shares with you, which enables you to stay living there, and you aren’t happy with her boyfriend being there too.

It sounds like the answer is she moves out and lives elsewhere with her boyfriend, and you either get a lodger (who is unlikely to pay as much as half the mortgage and all bills) who you can set rules with about no partners staying OR you sell and move in with your partner as you suggested.

I don’t think this arrangement can go on for much longer. I assume this is your house so there is no way your daughter should be paying half the mortgage. It is time your daughter moved out.

so you say you cook 2 or 3 times the rest of the time they get takeaways
he’s paying £40 a week plus giving your DD money and also getting stuff from the shop
he’s paying his way