To let my cat go and live with a questionable neighbour?

[Cocomandarin]

We have a cat who we absolutely love, but she’s quite independent and seems to enjoy spending time at my neighbour’s house, probably because we have kids and she likes the peace and quiet!
The neighbour has definitely overstepped a few times. We’ve asked her not to let the cat in because she sometimes disappears for days and we worry. I’m also pretty sure she encourages her in with Dreamies.
Tonight she knocked on the door while I was putting the kids to bed, holding our cat wrapped in a towel. I panicked thinking something awful had happened, but she’d simply brought her home because she’d been outside in the rain. She’d taken her in, dried her and even walked straight into our house with her! She has mental health issues or a learning disability, so I understand that boundaries are not so defined at times with her
and I know she absolutely adores the cat and means well, but some of her behaviour is making me uncomfortable.
It’s made me wonder whether our cat might actually be happier spending more time at hers, but I don’t know this woman well enough to feel comfortable with that either.
Am I being unreasonable for even considering it, or should I just accept that she has a bit of a second home and that I will have this woman appearing constantly on my doorstep 🥴

It's perfectly normal for cats to adopt other households ...if the lady is vulnerable you are asking her to do something quite complicated to navigate by shooing your cat away.

She sounds kind hearted...hence the getting the cat out of the rain and dry

The cat will choose

but some of her behaviour is making me uncomfortable.

Such as?

But to your question, she has not asked you to give up the cat and maybe he is not exactly prepared to accept all the responsibility for it either. So why not just carry on as you have been? The cat clearly decided to split her time between two households. You can't force it to stay with your neighbour anyway.

I totally mistook your title as 2 things, "to let my cat go" and "to live with a questionable neighbour".

I was expecting something very different!

I don't think your can ever really stop an outdoor cat from choosing a new owner, unfortunately.

@Anyahyacinth I’m not asking her to shoo her away. I just asked if she could not keep her in for days at a time. I worry that she’s been hit by a car or trapped somewhere.

I’m asking if I should consider letting her have her. I don’t know if it would be better for her, I do feel a bit harassed over it. I don’t know her at all and I’m home alone with my children, it was a bit frightening for me.

I would be ok with it as long as continued to feed my cat the main food they have as I am a bit fussy with it. The odd treat I wouldn't mind. But I wouldn't want them bringing the cat home all the time! Cat knows it's way home! But I can be awkward with interaction so that might just be me!

Can you knock on her door if cat doesn’t show up at home rather than worry, given you know that’s the most likely place?

@Catza it’s quite hard to explain the situation as it is a bit bizarre. This person lives with their mother and they don’t leave the house much if at all. They are very preoccupied with my cat, they know what she does all day, where she is, what she likes, what time she’s let out and in. They leave cat food outside for her (which I’ve told them they don’t need to, she is fed). They know when we’ve been in our garden, when we’ve had post delivered, been shopping, It’s invasive. But I do understand that’s just them as people and whilst I find it a bit strange I do feel sorry for them too. What makes me uncomfortable is that they seem to insinuate that she is not looked after, they once asked me if I don’t care about her anymore with no context. And like today they brought her to our house because it was raining and she was outside. She is always out in all weathers.

Yes this

I'm concerned that if you tell this lady to not let the cat in (and she does have vulnerabilities) she could potentially be seen trying to manage that and appear to be hurting it...causing her problems in your community.

@Anyahyacinth @keepingitclean i haven’t said once that I told her to shoo it away. She goes in all the neighbours gardens. I just asked if she could not keep her indoors for days at a time.

I thought this post was about me for a moment! I am that neighbour. The cat constantly cries outside my window to come in. If I have a door or window open she is straight in, and won’t leave. I don’t feed her, she just loves being in my house for some reason!

It's not especially weird either...my 6ft 7 tough hearted brother has a cat that wanders in and sits at set place on his sofa, it waits for him on the windowsill at 7am..tapping for entry. Plays hungry.

It's natural if you see a cat out in the rain to be worried about it.

The story your cat will be communicating in their house ..would probably be enlightening...probably all on I'm famished acts etc...

This is so normal for a clever cat

Fair enough...it was just the focus on LD and MH...it's dangerous for people with difference ....easy for bullying gossip to grow (often why people stay home so much) ...the stigma and prejudice when they are out and about and a bit different

I've constantly had an issue of people knocking on my door to let me know my cat is outside "distressed" and I am a shit owner for refusing to let him in. He is not distressed, he is meowing at the front door because for whatever reason he doesn't feel like going back through the open garden door that he left through five minutes ago. And he thinks I have nothing better to do with my life than to be his door porter.
I've also got a neighbour who gave him a completely different name and feeds him tins of tuna even though I explained multiple times that he is my cat and this is his name and she is welcome to spend time with him in her house as long as she doesn't feed him because he gained a kilo in four months.
So I do get it.
At the end, I got fed up and stopped letting him go outside which he doesn't care about 99% of the time. I know it's not an option for all cats.

Has she kept her in for days at a time since you asked? It seems like the bringing the cat round after "rescuing" her from the rain could be in response to that request?

I think it would be a bit unreasonable to give the cat to them at this point, because it sounds like you don't really know their capacity to care for it should anything less basic be required.

They're your neighbours so developing a friendly but well boundaried relationship is in your best interests and I think the cat could help you do that. You, hopefully, just need to be clear with them about what works for the cat (you!).

I'm not sure what you already do to make sure your cat comes home, so some of this maybe stating the obvious.

I would tell them to stop feeding the cat - not "you don't need to" but "please stop". Put an airtag or other tracker on the cat, and start bringing the cat in with a treat to be shut in overnight every night. If she doesn't come home go and knock for her, every single time. Make it unrewarding and annoying for them to keep her in.

You like your cat. Your kids like your cat. Keep your cat. You don't need to get unpleasant but you need to be consistent and assertive.