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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about presents for the IL's

19 replies

kite · 01/07/2008 08:01

My inlaws & I have a strained relationship, we are polite when we meet each other but we have no other contact.MIL contacts dh on his mobile she would not ring the house here.

This was not always the way everything was fine up to about 3yrs ago when I was pregnant with our first child the relationship went sour!!

I have recently had my birthday & before the inlaws would always acknowledge my birthday this time the did not,it doesn't bother me that they didn't acknowledge it but my reason for posting is I am wondering what am I suppose to do now to be politicly correct?? Do I forget their birthdays or what do I do - they know that I am the one that buys the gifts here as DH thinks of nothing& I have done all the presents for the last 13 yrs ( typical man ). The gave ds a gift & dh a gift for their birthdays - but even when fil & mil went on hols 2 mths ago they excluded me when they bought back gifts.

I am not arguing about this at all I just genuinely would like to know if it was you what would you do .

thank you

OP posts:
lilymolly · 01/07/2008 08:03

be the bigger person.
continue as normal, at least you know you are doing all you can.

Sorry to hear about all this upset, it must be distressing.

HTH

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 01/07/2008 08:08

I am a bit less nice I would probably tell DH that from now on he had to take responsibility for their presents from now on. I know exactly how you feel, I have a similar situation with FIL and as much as I don't care about the lack of presents it does wtick in my throat a little when I have to buy him anything.

more · 01/07/2008 08:11

Keep buying them the same present over and over and over and over for example a box of chocolates that you know they don't like.

LazyLinePainterJane · 01/07/2008 08:36

Agree with more, except make it the card. PIL send us the same card every year and it really fucks me off! It's not big enough to make a fuss over like a duplicate present, and you could claim to have forgotten but it really shows your contempt

Kelix · 01/07/2008 08:57

Agree with IndeedacleanerIamalazyslattern (wow what a name lol)!

Ask DH to take responsibilty for thier gifts, if he is anything like my DP (or any man I know for that matter) they are likely to get nothing or at most a slightly rubbish gift

idlingabout · 01/07/2008 09:00

They are your DH's parents therefore they are his responsibility. Tell your DH that if he wants to buy them presents then he needs to remember to do so. If he genuinely doesn't have time and you do then it would not be unreasonable for him to ask ''when you are at the shops would you mind buying x as it is y's birthday?''. BUT he needs to remember this and not expect you to do it.

Elkat · 01/07/2008 15:54

If they can't make the effort, then see no reason why you should. I always think people should be prepared to meet half way...and if they're not prepared to do that, then don't see why you should. Its his family, he should get his family cards, I don't see why it is your responsibility - he is a grown up after all!

Kimi · 01/07/2008 16:02

Tell DH he need to sort out the gifts/cards and then do not remind him to do so

Original poster
kite · 01/07/2008 16:08

Thank you for all your reply's, I have been thinking of this on and off during the day & for the sake of peace in my life I think I will just keep getting the presents & let DH give them to them.

As IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern it does stick in my throat a bit that I have to get them gifts - but at the end of the day I can't listen to them giving dh grief iykwim. Thanks for answering I just wanted to see what others thought just to be sure I am a complete nut .

At least DH can see what's happening & he does feel crap about it all but I don't want the thing made any worse because that's not fair on us as a couple - AHHH FAMILIES

OP posts:
LauraT · 01/07/2008 16:17

my FIL and his wife decided this year that they weren't going to do birthday presents anymore. we still sent them presents as we weren't quite sure if they meant it or not and their birthdays were first. (also it was FILs 60th so we got him a rather nice present). when it came to my birthday I received a card, and the same for DH's 30th birthday. I'm still glad we sent the presents as I would feel bad not doing so, but wish they had at least bothered for DH's 30th.

You'll be the better person for still acknowledging their birthday's and not give them any ammunition to use against you!

kitbit · 01/07/2008 19:46

I would probably continue with the pressies if only to make sure that they didn't stop remembering grandchildren's birthdays which would be hurtful to your dc's even if it were only being tit for tat with the adults.
But I would make them corkers, such as the suggestions above!

magicfarawaytree · 01/07/2008 19:56

dont buy them presents leave it to your dh. they are his parents after all.

WallOfSilence · 01/07/2008 20:02

I'd just keep buying the gifts!

I would be torn though....I'd want to put from KITE in capitals, dh & dd in normal writing....

My sister is married to an only son & his mum just buys to him at B'days, Xmas etc... never my sis or their child... she even asked HIM to the house for dinner on their first Xmas together, not my sis & their dd!!!

The thing is though that my sis & her get on well!! I'd hate to see it if they didn't!!

Twelvelegs · 01/07/2008 20:06

Get your DH to buy and send the presents.

WinkyWinkola · 01/07/2008 20:08

Keep buying the gifts. They're not expensive, are they? Just keep the moral high ground. And sign the card.

They're clearly very petty folk but don't you get down to their level.

Make sure when they thank your DH for them, he says something along the lines of, "Oh that's Kite that does all that. She's so organised. I don't know what the DCs and I would do without her," and it's true so you're not expecting him to lie.

jenniebee · 01/07/2008 20:24

I'm a bit more childish than Winky, i'd get DH to buy them

WinkyWinkola · 01/07/2008 20:38

But there's an awful lot more satisfaction to be had from their embarrassment that you, Kite, are not spiteful and highlighting that they are.

Original poster
kite · 01/07/2008 20:56

Thanks girls for all the replys

I could tell you some gas stories about them. This thing with the presents is nothing .

Two weeks ago mil asked dh when was he calling down with our child (she hasn't been here since the start of the yr). We were going off to a child's birthday party so I said to DH you pop down and spend some time with her & we will go off to the kids party. she said to DH " can't kite go to the party on her own & you come here with G" .
I would have looked lovely at a child's birthday without bringing my child who was the one invited LOL!!!

Thanks girls for this I have enjoyed reading the replys & I don't feel half as much of a fruitcake

OP posts:
jenniebee · 01/07/2008 21:07

at MIL

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