Dds bedtime and attitude all the time

[Chickencuddle]

Dds bedtime is 9 oclock week days 10-11 frissy and saturday. Does this sound reasonable? She has to wake up at 6.40 each day due to early leaving time for school. We spend all our free time with kids. Never go on dates or anythinf. I have a job which works around them so they never go ti childcare or anything. My point is we spend alot of time together.
Tonight st bedtime she says why csnt she stay up late wstching movies. I sid we csn do that st weekend some time she says why not now. I explain about importanfe of sleep early wke ups and school etc. She complains all hwr friends sty up late. We go back and forth but i dont budge and say this is what wprks for us and less sleep isnt good for her and we will watch a movie togethwr at weekend.
She isnt happy and keeps talking in a disrespwctful way and as soon as i talk she stares past me at the wall as if shes super bored. I tell her its polite to look at someone and listen qhen theyre talking she wont do it and is now talking ina horrible voice qagging her head etc and the arguement is going nowhwre so i tell her we have discussed it and my answer is final and to go get ready for bed. She made some comment walking out so i said she has now lost her phone fpr a day. She starts laughing at me in a horrible way and says she dkesnt care. I tell her to go get in bed. I go to check on her and shes up still at her mirror doing her eyebrows.
I tell her its bed time and lights out. She says she doesnt care its her room. I say its mine and dads house and our rules and its time for lights out.
Her reply: you literally always say our house so now your just changing it to suit you vecause im not giving you what you want.
I repeat what i said before and sy lights out she refuses so i turn lights out and say night night. I walk out and breath. Go back 10 mins later to check on her and she has light on colouring. She says shes going to stay up all night and we cant stop hwr. Hwr dad then says hes taking £5 off her and if she carries on it will be £10 she finally goes to bed. Will see if she stays like that.
The past few months has been hard. She is my darling and i love her to bits. I know she has a good heart and is a good girl. She doesnt have it easy with friendships nd i want to give her grace but my god she is testing me. This is over every little thing. Everything she is so rude and just horrible. It makes me so sad. I know its not here. Help and advoce welcome.

🤣 sorry!

We've always had a time "you need to be in your room, screen free", but not enforced lights out since secondary. I would pop my head round the door if the lights were on when I went to bed, more as a prompt as to how late it was than because they were in trouble.

If she's tired its her own fault - hopefully she'll soon realise what time she needs to sleep, but colouring seems a lovely way to wind down!

9pm is unusually early for a 13yo to go to bed. Is she even tired then?

9pm to 6.40am is 9 hours 40 mins sleeping time, I doubt she needs that.

My 13yo goes to bed at 10.30 and is up for 6-6.30am. She copes fine with that.

I do think that’s early.

I agree with others, take phone and turn TV off but if she wants to read/ colour/ sort her room out until say 10 I don’t think that would be the end of the world. I think she’s got to start taking a bit of responsibility for herself rather than really strict discipline at this age. E.g. if my 14 yr old had said he was staying up all night I’d probably have said “Ok well as long as you go to school and [activity] tomorrow that’s your decision but don’t blame me if you feel like death in the morning”. I’d have been pretty confident he’d be asleep by 11!

Obviously if she’s knackered, getting into trouble at school etc it might need a rethink. And I agree re enforcing decent manners I wouldn’t put up with that. In fact if the backchatting got worse I’d be saying this was an indication that she’s not getting enough sleep so we might have to rethink bedtime…

I’d say that’s fine at 13. You could also say wind down in her room from 9 until 9:30 then lights out if you think she’d be getting enough sleep. I wouldn’t change it until she can have a reasonable conversation about it though.

They always say so oh so and so can go to bed whenever they like, to which I reply well that's not enough sleep and isn't a good thing when getting up early.

At 13 DC is in bed by 9.30, often 9.45 pm and complains friends will be gaming until late. I don't care sweetheart, sorry for being a responsible parent!

9 o’clock is extremely early during the week for a 13 year old, and I think 10 or 11 is ridiculous at the weekend. No wonder your daughter is unhappy with her bedtime - you sound incredibly controlling and unreasonable. When I was 13, I had to be home by 9 during the week if I’d been out with friends, but my parents imposed a set bedtime once I was in my teens, and I certainly didn’t force my daughter to go to bed at any particular time at thst age.

I would say choose your battles at that age, make sure she gets up when she should and let her suffer the consequences of her late nights

I also think 9 is too early at 13. As long as she’s quiet in her room from 10, is it really a problem. Mine had to be up earlier than that; DD took herself to bed at 9.30 as she really needs sleep; DS would have been much later. I’d say the attitude was more of a problem but I did get very lucky with mine. The money thing is ridiculous.

How is she at 630am? Is she awake ? - does the alarm wake her ? Is she grumpy in the morning

it does seem early to me tbh at her age

Mine are a similar age and we also have ‘bedtime’ at 9pm however they are allowed to read or chat quietly to each other for around an hour sometimes longer, often they’re asleep before then. Just no tech or internet access from that point and lights kept low. It’s more of a calm down period before sleep, seems to be good for them. I guess you could argue that bedtime is technically later but you’d be surprised at how often they fell asleep shortly after 9pm.

We’re a lot more lenient at weekends and during school holidays. Especially during school holidays it becomes a bit of a free for all regarding bedtime unless there’s something to get up for, they know that once school starts back up it’s back to routine. It’s just what ever works, according to my dc non of their friends have bedtimes and can stay up until 1am, that’s not happening on a school night I’m afraid. But am considering making it later soon.

Imo I think shes about the right age for learning she has the power of choice but will have to face the consequences.

Id be saying 9pm is bedroom time, no devices, no telly, but if she chooses to read, colour, faff about fine. But she stays in her room and she doesnt get TV on.

Then id let her crack on, I would suggest to her sleep is important and she should go to bed but ignore it if she chooses not too. And when shes tired Id say well maybe sleep sooner tonight..

She will learn. It might do her a favour

I used to be up reading much younger than that. Some people can’t sleep that early. It is a very early wake up though for school.

I would be fine with the colouring, bed side light, but agree to put your foot down over screen time as it will delay her sleeping further and over stimulating to be watching films.

Her attitude would bother me more, I think you are right not to engage with her when she is behaving like this and speak to her during the day when you are both calmer.

My daughter has just turned 12 and she has a 10pm bedtime, weekdays, 11.30 weekends but she gets up fine for school at 6.30. Shes never been a child who gets tired if that makes sense ! So I gave up the bedtime battle because she was going to bed early and then just reading as she wasnt tired.