ADHD Meds - Could they explain change in friend’s personality?

[Rabgle]

I have a good friend who I’ve known for about 15 years. We met through work and she’s a brilliant, funny, sociable person. We shared a house after first meeting for a short period and have been friends ever since. She had a role at my wedding and I had a role at hers. We see other less than when we were single but meet up once a month, either one to one or with our husbands. We stay in touch via WhatsApp etc. between meetings.

We’ve always had a comfortable, laid back friendship - I can truly be myself around her. Never short of stuff to talk about, always fun. Except for the last 12 months, the meet ups have become more and more difficult, for want of a better way of describing it.

It’s really difficult to explain. We still chat, she still asks about me and my life, I ask about hers, still cover the same ground but it all feels a bit cold,m. Empty. Almost a bit formal and stilted. Distracted. It’s almost like the fun, vibrant personality has been drained away somewhat.

I did consider whether the friendship had perhaps run its course but she still instigates meet ups, still asks questions and shows an interest. I’m also keen to see her. She’s more garrulous when we meet as couples, but specially when alcohol is involved, but even then it’s not quite the same.

A couple of years ago, she was diagnosed with ADHD, and now takes medication for it. She says it helps but could change in her be down to that? Or are we just getting old? Or is it just me?

AIBU?

My friends SIL was diagnosed, medicated . But is now anti social, unconnected , uncommunicative and very disengaged . Her DD is struggling with these changes . Together they are trying to see if an adjustment to his meds will help .

This has been helpful for me, thank you.It reads so much like me. I am just awaiting a diagnosis. I am looking forward to it and feel like the trade off will be so worth it if I can actually concentrate, remember things, plan properly and sleep better! And stop relying on booze to wind down which I do far too often. I just hope I do get a diagnosis. My old school reports absolutely would've backed me up but they all got destroyed when my parents' cellar flooded!

I think I might experience the drifting of friends too. The way I am now has had me end up with the people I have, and if the meds work for me, I won't be that person any longer.

@Diynoobzdo you have adhd? I never was my authentic self because I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Now I don’t try to fit in, I focus on what I like and who I am and am true to myself and my needs and wants. If you haven’t experienced an adhd brain, you can’t understand what it’s like to be unmedicated then medicated. It’s given me the space to find myself, work on myself, and that’s what makes me authentic.

I don’t drink anymore but before being medicated I used it to self medicate and it made me an anxious mess.

I smoke weed sometimes and like how it makes me feel, it makes me more introspective and also more chatty.

Even if you think someone on meds isn’t their authentic self, I know I’m a damn sight happier now than I ever could have imagined pre meds, even if I’m not outwardly on it all the time anymore. I’m more content just being and that’s so powerful.

Thanks to everyone for your insights on this. They’ve been really useful in helping me understand it a bit more.

I think someone above mentioning it’s like someone’s light has gone out and that’s very much how I feel about it.

It was a friendship I have really valued over past decade or so and sad that it seems to be drawing to a close. That said, I accept the brilliant, sociable, light-up-the-room person she was maybe didn’t feel like that on the inside. I hope the medication has made her a more content person.

DS stopped taking his ADHD meds for this reason- he said they made him feel blunted, disconnected and flat. It's a really personal decision whether the benefits of the meds outweigh the costs.

As someone with ADHD and autism we develop that persona to get along in life it's very exhausting.
On medication I am calmer and focused and I don't feel the need to perform for my friends and family anymore. Maybe that makes me a bit more boring now who knows

Exactly this

Thanks for patronising me but ive had a diagnosis for 30 years, and i never will accept medication. I'm an author and filmmaker and believe my adhd has made me what I am. I don't believe in "it makes me feel calm and focused" at all. I believe a lot of people who have an ADHD diagnosis aren't ADHD at all, but instead have hugely stressful lives or destructive behavioural patterns. I feel the push towards medication is in line with the rise of organised religion, it reflects a need for a sense of belonging and an explanation for why this ever tougher world is inducing panic and anxiety in us all. It's no surprise tgat the rise in ADHD has coincided with the AI revolution.
I believe that in 5 years time ADHD medication will be seen as a trend abd people will wonder why they let themselves be medicated into "calmness" when actually all they needed was a slower pace of life and less pressure.
You know, they discovered the female praying mantis doesn't devour the male at all in the wild. They were observing this behaviour which was actually a stress reaction to the highly stressful brightly lit environment of the lab, and they were assuming that the result was just standard praying mantis vibes

Interesting. The only change I’ve seen in myself and adult DC is that the meds make us more focused but also more confident and more socially able - really quite amazing for a bunch of socially awkward introverts.

I’m a better version of me while it’s working - because my brain is getting enough dopamine. In the evenings I crash, so I have to try and do anything social or demanding during the day.

It gives me much more bandwidth to be empathetic - so I don’t recognise the change you describe in your friend. Everyone has an individual reaction of course, but as others have mentioned perhaps this isn’t a good medication for her. It can make you feel a bit wired at first - I don’t drink caffeine so I really noticed that but not any more.

It’s made a huge difference to me - I was able to apply for a promotion at work and got it - unthinkable before I was diagnosed.

I have pondered this viewpoint myself. I find it a fascinating discussion.

I've also thought, that yes, you might be right and these people are stress-reacting rather than have an actual disease/condition/neurodiverse mind/whatever we want to call it. As an alternate, could this be what ADHD actually IS?As in, it is a thing, but that this is its cause, not necessarily from childhood trauma or stressful lives but brain development passed down through generations? We know trans-generational trauma is quite likely valid (if a little contested).

I have had this argument with people about animals killing their babies in slaughterhouses therefore it is okay to torture and eat 'these savage beasts' (similar to your praying mantis example) although it very rarely happens if the same animals are comfortable and free to live their lives without humans placing them in cramped, stress-inducing conditions.

Similarly, I am a social scientist and I conducted a covert participant observation for which I was criticised (and I am still not sure if it can be published) due to the unethical status of CPO. But was I overt, I would've changed the conditions of the study, the people I studied would have not been acting as 'normal'.

Using myself as an example, I have most if not all of the symptoms of someone with classic ADHD. Even right at this moment I should be working but I am on here discussing something that's an interest of mine. My Father's childhood was terrible as was his own Father's. He made my childhood very difficult as a result, including living in constant fear, parentifying, and physical abuse. I was moved from a school I was somewhat happy in, to one where I was terribly bullied, aged 7. I've had eating disorders, low self-worth and all of my relationships have involved abuse of some sort. I am awaiting an ADHD diagnosis as much as I do share a lot of your views on medication (for a lot of things, not just ADHD) I think it would help me control some of my terrible habits and allow me a healthier lifestyle and pattern of general behaviour. Maybe it won't, but I think it is worth a try.

I pay about as much attention to people who tell me that I don’t really have ADHD as I do to those who say my cancer was caused by the covid jab. Likewise with people’s opinions of my ADHD meds and those who tell me not to have chemo. Just not going there 🤷‍♀️

If it is, she's on the wrong meds. It sounds like it could be an effect but I know a few people using them and their personalities haven't changed at all. DH and DS now on meds, but aside from them not nattering quite as continuously, and DH regulating his anger better, no negative difference.

It’s an interesting discussion.

Everything creditable that I’ve read suggests that even with more people being diagnosed at a population level we still below the number of people that would be expected to have an ADHD diagnosis when smaller population studies are extrapolated.

Medication wise I think it’s a shame that modern life means that so many people feel the need to medicate and in turn others make a profit off it.

Not too dissimilar to antidepressants. For some people they are essential and life saving. For many others they are a sticking plaster.

Not disagreeing with you at all, but not nattering as continuously might look like a personality change to an outsider, don't you think?
Someone who is known for being chatty at work , school , in the shops, the local - might notice the change if they had no context.

I see what you're saying but they're still above average chatty and sound like themselves. Op suggests friend sounds a tad withdrawn.

It might be that your friend doesn’t feel great on it or is having a difficult adjustment period to the medication but that they don’t feel they’ve any choice but plough on, because things were very much harder before. Is it something you could discuss with them?

My family member who is very sensitive and anxious, came off the medication because it made them feel not themselves, and is now suffering terrible anxiety because they feel they’d tried their chance at medication and that it didn’t work for them.
So now they've told themselves there’s no hope of any help coming so they must just muddle through it alone without meds (which sounds like black and white thinking pointing to other neurodiversity perhaps..) but they can’t be persuaded to try a different type either. Obviously people don’t go on the meds lightly, but it also stands to reason that they don’t come off them lightly either.

Agreed. I feel more like I imagine a real grown up to feel now. If the instability and insecurity I felt previously was considered part of the fun by a friend, then I would be sad that they seemed to find that bit amusing and let the friendship fade.

I really hope they do this for me! I feel like a child most of the time, despite having my own business, property, a driving licence etc and obviously an adult's body! I know some of mine is down to trauma in childhood, but again, the correlation runs deep IMO. I have been on the waiting list with Right to Choose for over 3 years now 😡

This is an interesting take on ADHD.

I have not got any diagnoses and none of my children have formal diagnoses either, for the one with suspected ADHD, it's because she's young (early twenties) and likes her personality the way it is right now. On anti-depressants she did not feel like herself, and I suspect the same would be true for ADHD meds which she can't be prescribed for different reasons. She has chosen to go undiagnosed and unmedicated as an active choice as an adult. I also have chosen not to go forward with diagnosis.

We are all very creative thinkers, but there's a lot of anxiety. We are all successful, though, and reasonably functioning, and I think that goes with the territory of having a busy brain which occasionally goes off course. I have done lots of impulsive and stupid things over the years, but over time, I am learning not to react immediately and to wait a few hours or a day before responding.

I also agree with you that the current world is not set up for busy brains; it overstimulates them and also asks too much of them. My job used to come with a secretary and a finance person to organise my time and do admin tasks, leaving me free to get on with the expert bit. It's now expected we do this ourselves, using many different computer systems all with flaws, whilst trying to juggle more tasks than ever and I don't find it surprising that my brain gets overloaded.

I don't think it's wrong to take medication at all though, a hyper-stimulated brain with lots of down time is a hard thing to manage and having some windows of calm is a good idea. I try to achieve this through meditation or relaxation but sometimes it does not work that well. Overwhelm is always around the corner.

Something to think about, thank you.