To think you should be able to be honest with friends when they are making poor choices?

[WhoGives2Fucks]

Long story short one of my best friends had form for choosing poor partners first was a bit abusive but they were very young and drifted so good.

Second was a nice enough guy but feckless - wanted to smoke weed all day and drink alcohol, would get sacked and was useless.

Third was abusive and love bombed her but was evidently a psycho within the first month. I remember saying that’s a red flag but she ignored me and moved in and then got pregnant and we (several friends) told her it would be a huge mistake to have a baby with him but she did then realised how dangerous he was so fled with baby and life was hard and she says she wouldn’t have had baby if she’d have known how hard it would be with the psycho ex

She had a few flings over the years who all love bombed then fucked off.

She met a guy about 5 years ago and she knew who he was and started pursuing him. Initially he said he didn’t want a relationship but she pushed and then they began one, though it was basic and they’d only spend one night together a week. He had 3 kids and they aren’t in a position to live together- thank fuck as she’s have given up her housing association house go and moved in with him!

Over the years he has become more useless and she gives 90% and he gives 10%. She panders to him and does everything to make his life easier and is alway there in sickness and in health. He is absolutely not and only wants to see her 2/2 times a month! He has kids and my friend adores them but part of the reason is became he DC in an only child so she wants the ‘happy family’ for ho DC and her DC calls him Dad which imo was silly to start as he is his first priority over Ann’s above his own children. He’s not abusive but he absolutely isn’t a good partner and he gives her the crumbs. She bends over backwards to help him and he absolutely would not do the same. He cancels plans with her to see his mate. He’s had significant health issues and she’s cancelled work to be with him and now she’s going through health problems he’s no where to be seen. So much more to say but not the time.

I’ve to her that it’s not equal and he’s taking piss. I feel like I’m making her feel
crap but it’s so frustrating watching somebody being a doormat and accepting it! I’ve said she should tell him to fuck off but she doesn’t want it to end as she’ll be ‘lonely’. I feel like banging my head against a wall. I sent her some messages tonight being honest and that she could so better and she’s not replied so probably a bit annoyed but FFS have some self respect and stop allowing yourself to be a doormat!!

I meant I can’t make her leave him but it’s beyond exhausting watching someone make shit choices that negatively affect them time and time again. Oh and he’s a functioning alcoholic to make things worse!!

Just to add she didn’t have an abusive childhood or the like. Parents still together and help out.

I try to be a good friend as I know she absolutely lovely and I want the best for her but she keeps choosing these waste of spaces!

I mean, is she a drama queen who spends the whole time chewing your ear off about her latest boyfriend drama or is she giving back as a friend as well? Like, is she fun? Do you have a laugh? Does she support you?

Or are you "a mirror to her drama", meaning has she built her life around making these situations and feeding them, either by living the actual drama in the moment or seeking out a well meaning friend, like you, to talk about the drama. Because her lif is about the drama and you are just another way for her to look at it.

So does she spend most of her time with you talking about her relationship problems because its another way of feeding that part of her all-encompassing romantic drama?

I have a friend like this, she is absolutely lovely , but always chose awful partners. I used to try and suggest she was making poor choices, but it doesn't work, they don't hear you. In the end I had to admit to myself that it wasn't all awful partners t, and that my friend played an active role in being taken advantage of.
I think your friend is the same- it isn't all the partners, the heart of what is wrong is that your friend does not have good boundaries and attracts and encourages poor behaviour.

@Eastie77Returns I tried replying this morning but MN wasn’t working for me

I wouldn’t say I’m gushing I’m just pointing out she’s a great person and so I don’t think it’s low self esteem as such, just daft choices and fear of being alone. I feel like I have to highlight her qualities because I’m also being negative saying she’s her own worst enemy.

We both use each other to rant and vent about everything as I do with all of my friends. I have other friends but they don’t make shit choices constantly so whilst we all have rants at times with twi it’s more circumstances out of their control.

Your last point, she is my best friend so of course I want the best for her and I know the ins and outs of everything but I’m drained of hearing the same stuff weekly when there is something she can do to stop it. I’ll listen to anyone and their problems but when those problems are easily fixed that’s when I get frustrated

I’ve had a couple of situations with a friend whose family member is upsetting them for various reasons.
I know them well enough to take a deep breath and say, look, maybe not my business but I need to say this… and spit it out.
Both times my friend has agreed with me (and said that other people have said the same to her).
The issue hasn’t gone away but we can talk pianist it and it has improved.

I understand what you mean but she actually doesn’t like drama but she gets frustrated with him being a waste of space and letting her down constantly and then rants to me. I’m happy to listen and advise when she asks that I’m fed up with it. In that respect she is creating her own drama I guess as she won’t remove herself from the situation.

This hits the nail on the head.

It is completely unreasonable for her to spend hours every week, year after year, moaning about this terrible man. Get a few blunt phrases to end those conversations and see how much friendship is still there when you’re not just listening to all her self imposed drama.

Nailed it!!! It is exactly how I view it and it’s exactly the same situation.

What a pity there are children in the mix 😢
Her own and his.
I can understand how it is difficult to watch.

I had a friend like this, and her mother and sisters were the same. Just who they are, the only change would have to come from them.

You’re complaining about her but the only answer is to tell her you don’t want to hear about him any more. Why you spending so much of your life talking to her about him? The amount of phone calls sound excessive. You don’t have to cut her off but dial it back- it sounds utterly miserable. She can only help herself and she won’t so stop winding yourself up about it.

Your friend doesn't think she deserves better. This will be a deeply rooted belief that has been reinforced through a serise of relationships where she's been treated badly. She's now fully internalised this, and nothing you can say will change that. Unfortunately by telling her she's making poor choices, you're inadvertently reinforcing that she's inadequate.
My advice would be to stop asking her why she's allowing it, stop telling her she's being taken for a mug and if you have to comment, criticise only the man. "That was bad of him to let you down" rather than "why do you let him treat you that way?" Which reads as a scolding.
Try and boost her as best you can. Tell her she's a lovely person, that you value her. Sometimes women do find their confidence and say enough is enough, but it will be in her own time.

Whist what you’re saying makes sense, the crux of it for me is that you can’t bash someone’s ears in several hours a week continuously complaining about the same thing. Ultimately we’re responsible for our own actions and actions have consequences. It seems utterly pointless banging on about the same ‘problems’ when like you say, people won’t change and it’s the same for her partner, he isn’t ever going to change either and she needs to understand that.

I don’t think you can call someone obsessive because they’ve given a full picture of their friend’s situation.

the OP has condensed years of information into a few paras.

if she’d just said my friend is a bit shit with men, she’d have been inundated with questions