AIBU to think staying at home with children is undervalued?

[Amby99]

I’m not ignorant of the fact that staying at home isn’t financially possible or desirable for everyone, and I don’t think children who go to nursery are disadvantaged whatsoever . There are brilliant nurseries, brilliant working mums, and plenty of happy, healthy children being raised that way (and fulfilled and happy mothers)
However, I do wonder whether society (or the government) has become so focused on measuring “productivity” through paid employment that we’ve started to undervalue the work involved in raising a child.
Badenoch saying that the government doesn’t want to “punish working parents” in relation to childcare costs … it made me wonder why being a SAHM is so rarely viewed as valuable or productive in its own right.
Preparing my baby’s first solids, BF him, reading, playing, taking him outside, talking to him, letting him explore and generally being available. It feels like important work, yet because it isn’t paid it often seems invisible.
There are of course many advantages to nursery, and that work can be important for a mother’s identity, finances, career and mental health.
But why does the conversation seem to focus so heavily on encouraging parents back into paid employment, while choosing to provide that childcare yourself is rarely encouraged or valued in the same way? I’m not talking about mothers that sit at home all day feeding their child McDonald’s and claiming every benefit under the sun. I get why they may be encouraged back into the workforce and their children would be better off at nursery. BUT I’m sick of having to feel guilty of my choice to stay home. Every parent I know who was a parent in the 90’s stayed at home and it wasn’t so frowned upon.

I just think it should be seen as a worthwhile and valuable choice rather than something that needs to be justified because you’re “not working”.

I'm sorry. That sounds tough. I remember my mum being home and I'm v grateful for it. We have a close relationship. My dds (teenagers) regularly thank me for not have to go to breakfast or after school club. Every family is different. There's no "one" right way. You do what's right for you and your family

Agree

My children? They're doing great. Ahead of their peers in some areas, average in others, and very happy. I'm not sure why you ask?

My mum expected regular thanks from me so I found myself dutifully giving it. She regularly brought up how other women ‘just dump their kids in childcare’ and was very smug about her earth mother credentials.

She is now out of touch with 4 out 4 of her children.

It is aspirational if you enjoy teaching and raising your child?? It depends on what you aspire to personally? I was a a SAHP until both my children were in school, I think they benefited from it and so did me and my partner, we weren’t too busy/stressed with childcare etc, we enjoyed all the family time and we did sacrifice money wise but we aren’t very materialistic people so it was worth it, now they are both in school I’ve changed career and have career based aspirations and we are building savings up etc - life isn’t as rigid as ‘if you are a SAHP you have no aspirations’ - that’s nonsense, sorry. I was previously a teacher - the skills and enjoyment from teaching, a professional career, have massive overlap with parenting and raising your own child.

Talk about drip feed. Your children are autistic.

I cannot see a world where my children now in their early 20s ever knew anything about whether their friends went to nursery or had SAHMs.

you can’t have a grown up conversation by diverting to extremes. Yes there are children who need 24/7 care. I don’t think they are relevant to the SAHM conversation.

I wasn’t talking about you personally, obviously. I was talking about society. Aspirational societies also don’t have SAHP. Where we have seen socialist societies thrive everyone has contributed their talent.

children have been treated as capable of coping with independence. Parenting has become more equal. These countries are generally accepted as aspirational societies

A few reasons I can think of.

1. a mother who continues her career continues to contribute to GDP
2. if she continues working, she continues adding to her pension
3. families with two incomes are more financially secure
4. she retains her independence and employability, making her safer, with more options and the ability to support her family if anything bad happens
5. children are generally socialised better at child minders or nurseries
6. children in childcare are visible and therefore should be safer from neglect & abuse
7. Children from families where English is not the first language, will be better prepared for English schoolby attending a care environment.

Is it a drip feed? I'm not sure why that means SAHPs should be any less valued? There are a lot of children with milder special needs or neurodivergence that would benefit from having a parent at home. In fact, as like attracts like, quite a few of their friends are neurodivergent too.

(ETA: And frankly, all being autistic means is that they think about, and talk about, things that other children might not, but are still affected by.)

Anyway, it worked for us, and I know a lot of parents who wanted to stay home longer but felt they couldn't, for financial reasons. I also think nursery workers should be paid more and trained more highly. Childcare should be valued.

Yes and I can agree with you that children with SEN are probably not catered for as well which is why that is important to mention. Mind you, everyone seems to be neuro something or other these days.

Your kids’ friends had abusive parents?? Well that’s quite the drip feed. Nothing to do with them working. Of course your kids were grateful they didn’t have neglectful parents. I can’t believe you used that to generalise in the sahp vs working parents debate 🤯

It’s astonishing how people are resorting to extremes to prove tenuous points. It’s so unhelpful.

As is often the case, MN makes me grateful for the people I know and the world I live in.

Some of them, yes. Others no, but they just wish their parents had more time for them. They feel neglected because their parents are always working, or tired when at home, and they never seem to have the time or attention to give to them that my children get from me (working part time, now). So yes, more generally, it's something I've noticed amongst my children's peers.

Many parents hold down jobs AND raise children competently. You made a choice to enjoy raising your kids at home - that’s fine. It is a lot of fun!

But you probably haven’t added value in the sense you could have achieved the same end result whilst also going out to work.

I say this as a mum who had a first child age 30, when I had to return to work when dc1 was 11 months to cover our bills. And a second dc age 38, when I was able to afford to stay home for 3 years (also caring part-time for my mum who was unwell who passed away when dc2 was 2.5 yo).

Raising a family is EASY now. We have everything to make life easy from the NHS, cars, supermarkets and washing machines, white noise machines and cameras to help our children sleep.

Compare when my mum raised me as a sahm in the 70s and was still knitting and sewing clothes for us, using cloth nappies and soaking them, no central heating, no car, no supermarket in our town, no microwave, no softplay… it was REALLY HARD WORK. We were left to our own devices a lot - there is a good reason mums in the past used Cry it Out techniques - they were too busy to rock us to sleep.

And that’s why being a sahm is less valuable now - we’ve moved beyond the days when raising kids is work.

You children and their friends seem a very specific group OR you are quite simply making this all up.

Also what do you mean SAHMs
are not valued? Is it just money you want from the government? Being a working parent
is incredibly expensive especially in the early years. I had my children years apart to be able to afford to work personally.

Absolutely agree

I'm just talking about my experience. You're free to believe it or not.

As I've said, I think childcare generally should (ideally) be more highly valued - nursery workers should be more highly trained and paid, working parents should get more subsidies for childcare, and SAHPs should get higher tax credits. Certainly, in a world were reproduction has dropped below replacement level, and governments want people to have more babies - they need to provide incentives.

Why do you and your kids need to compare so much with others, and why do you need so much validation if you are all truly happy though?

My sahm friends and working friends don’t need to compare as we are content with our decisions. We help each other out and love seeing our kids thrive and support each other through struggles. It doesn’t have to be a competition in your own social circle.

There is a wider debate to be had about society, but I think your very specific anecdotes do not justify your sweeping statements.

I think it depends on who’s paying for them to be staying at home.

because I’m not ok with my taxes being used to fund it with no sacrifice from the parents.

Are you ok with your taxes being used for childcare?

Sorry that sounds awful. It sounds like your situation is more about an emotional abuse issue rather than a childcare issue if none of you are in contact with her anymore 💐

We don't? Throughout their entire lives the topic has come up less than a handful of times - but it was relevant to this thread so I mentioned it.

I'm not sure why you're so fraught over me sharing my experiences, but okay then?

You can’t expect it to be ‘valued’ by society as it provides no benefit to anyone outside your family.

To be valued by society, something has to be seen as actively beneficial. What benefits society is financial - people working to pay taxes, paying for childcare and thus keeping others in employment etc.

It’s a decision you make for your family but you can’t expect society as a whole to see it as anything but that.

I am not sure I am fraught. But you have made some pretty bold assertions based on specific anecdata. I think it’s important that as women we don’t go backwards and role model better for the next generation. And there will be new and expectant mums on this site. It’s important they aren’t scared off working life, given how long we have taken to get here as women.