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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I possibly am and it is terribly trivial but my MIL is very infuriating

44 replies

llareggub · 30/06/2008 20:53

My PIL babysit for me a couple of times a week while I work part-time. DS is 20 months and is very active. We very rarely use his buggy these days, as he is an excellent walker and when we go for walks I go at this pace.

PIL have always been incredibly odd about the buggy. They think I am incredibly mean to make him walk everywhere. Occasionally he goes in the buggy if we are going out around nap time, but that is about it. They are really disapproving of the walks we go on, which I found utterly bizarre.

Anyway, I came home from work today to find them bundling the buggy into the back of their car. I asked them why they were taking it and they told me they thought they'd might as well take it to their house and bring it to us on the days they babysit. I'm not working tomorrow so I asked if I could have it back, only to be asked if I planned to use it.

Now, I don't think I was entirely unreasonable to reply that I didn't know, but given that my son would be with me, there was a much greater probability that I would choose to use his buggy than a pair of 60 year olds with no toddlers!

MIL was a bit sniffy about it, to be honest, and I am utterly bewildered about the whole thing. They even tried to take the buggy away on the day before our holiday.

Rant over, I think. Am I missing something really obvious and am therefore unreasonable, or is this all about odd?

OP posts:

Original poster

llareggub · 30/06/2008 21:09

I think I will do that when the time is right. Maybe me asking for it today will reassure them too.

OP posts:

BibiThree · 30/06/2008 21:10

Llareggub, if you don't use it much, why not give it to them and get yourselves a cheap, lightweight buggy for the few times you need one. Or would they see that as you compeltely rejecting their gift, even though they seem to want it back anyway?

I know how hard it can be to feel annoyed by someone who also loves your child unconditionally, but drives you nuts at the same time. MIL is a wonderful gran and will do anything for the dds, but she dives me round the bedn.

Flibbertyjibbet · 30/06/2008 21:18

Why don't you keep the lighter weight one that you bought for holidays, and let them have the one they bought?
One point no-one has mentioned here, you get free childcare while you work.
A lot of people don't get that. I think free child care is worth smiling sweetly at them over a buggy even if you would like to wrap it round their necks.
They have said they will keep it to bring when they come over, so chill for today, and next time they come, ask if they brought it and 'could you possibly borrow it back' as you didn't realise how much you still used it.
If I didn't keep thinking of ways to try and keep the peace with my inlaws whilst feeling like I'd got the upper hand (of course I would be doing time for murder by now.

LadyOfWaffle · 30/06/2008 21:19

Cor, if that was my MIL i'd let her take the damn buggy and get another one - totally misread OP first time, thought they were trying to take it whilst 'taking' (babysitting) your DS ie. babysitting for a few days so taking buggy for a few days, but to come and randomly get it leaving you buggyless and getting permission to use it... oddy woddy indeed.

MilkMonitor · 30/06/2008 21:20

Isn't it up to the OP how she uses a gift?

I find it incredible that someone would give a gift and then be offended that the recipient didn't use it exactly as the giver thought it would be used. Blimey. That's barmy. How many more eggshells?

Moral of the story is: don't accept gifts from people who are going to question your use of it and erm, take it away from you if you don't do exactly as they want.

onepieceoflollipop · 30/06/2008 21:21

They don't really want it back - they are being a little bit manipulative and trying to prove how "hurt" they feel. For some people of our parents/ils generation they don't like the way times have changed (imo), and don't know how to handle things at times.

So you on some level (in their eyes) have been a tiny bit ungrateful and they are offended by this perhaps? The reality is that you haven't done anything wrong of course. My mil had a difficult relationship with her own mother and mil and can't get her head round the fact that (if only she would accept it) things could be ok between me and her.

ilovemydog · 30/06/2008 21:26

Hmmm - they are treating you like a child...'if you aren't going to use it, then we'll just take it away...'

Really what are they going to do with it - take turns and push each other around?

Tell them that you need it urgently as you've just entered a mother and baby pushchair competition....

Original poster

llareggub · 30/06/2008 21:28

Thing is, when DS needed a buggy we used it lots. It was a great buggy. He's just more than capable of walking, so I can't see the sense in strapping him into a buggy when the poor little thing wants to skip and run down the pavement!

Yes, I do get free childcare and I am very grateful for it. My son loves spending time with them. But this kind of passive battle really annoys me.

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 30/06/2008 21:31

I think they needed the buggy for a shoplifting expedition

findtheriver · 30/06/2008 21:41

Hmmm.... does sound a bit odd. Maybe they lack confidence about being able to keep up with an active toddler and keeping him in the pushchair is about them feeling more confident??
I think a lot of 60 plus yr olds feel a bit out of their depth in these situations, even though they'd never admit it. TBH I think if you choose to use PIL as childcare to enable you to work, then you have to put up with their irrational behaviour. There's a simple alternative - find a cm or nursery who won't kidnap your pushchair.

colditz · 30/06/2008 21:45

You know, although I am often a little sad and bitter that neither of my ds's grannies offer any help whatsoever, these threads make me very very glad that they also offer not interference either!

Original poster

llareggub · 30/06/2008 21:48

snigger at shoplifting!

What I don't understand is why they haul the thing into their car only to bring it back with them 2 days later.

I accept that I probably have to put up with their quirks as they are providing free childcare. Believe me, there are other things I happily turn a blind eye to, as I really do want them to have a happy and loving relationship with their grandchild.

However, their buggy behaviour is baffling and weird.

When I see them next I shall revel in the marvelousness of the buggy, and shall endeavour to use it more to keep them happy.

OP posts:

findtheriver · 30/06/2008 21:49

how true colditz!! There are so many threads about weird/interfering PIL. Far better to sort out childcare you're happy with.

blueskythinker · 30/06/2008 22:10

But if you have your own cheap buggy, it's not that you actually need the good buggy at the moment - you're not without wheels so to speak.

I wouldn't pass any comment on the issue at all - let them do their bizarre thing with the pram and completely ignore it. 2 can play at being passive aggressive.

Although I am very at you having free loving childcare!

magicfairy · 30/06/2008 22:10

my mil is also v odd when it comes to buggies, she has never tryed to take it away, but bought ds1 (21 months) his buggy before he was born, and is now desperate (bordering on obsessive) to buy us a double buggy, now we have ds2(7 wks)
whenever going out with her she insists that we take a buggy, ds1, like your boy is more than happy to walk.
Last week she came over to take me and the boys out for a walk in the woods, to tell me on 3 occasions not to tak the sling for ds2 and to take a buggy and then after i told her that i am taking the sling she proceed to tell me how i am going to have bad back using the sling all the time, better to take a buggy!!arrrrrggggghhhhh! i feel your annoyance!

rookiemater · 30/06/2008 22:12

But llareggub, if I am keeping up with the story correctly you have a lightweight cheap buggy that you could use as you use it so rarely.

I don't think there is anything strange about them insisting on using a buggy, 20mth daredevils are hard to catch up with and they are probably frightened of something happening to their precious grandchild, hence over cautiousness about other things.

The taking the buggy is slightly weird, but if you are telling them that you never use it, then I can see their logic.

elkiedee · 30/06/2008 22:24

I think you're being reasonable. Presumably though you don't use buggy all the time when you do it's because it's useful for what you're doing, and the "cheap lightweight" buggy might not be so useful in that situation. You're not stopping them using it when they're looking after him, but there's no reason for them to take it home when they're not also taking ds.

Original poster

llareggub · 30/06/2008 22:32

elkiedee, you've got it EXACTLY right.

Lightweight buggy is great for just popping around the shops for an hour or so, or taking on holidays, stuff like that.

Some days I take DS out for a stroll in the buggy over his usual nap time so he can sleep while I get some fresh air. Big buggy reclines comfortably and is perfect for napping. As I said, I do this rarely but I do it sometimes...I like to have the choice to do it.

I am irritated by it because it is a recent thing and they always come here to look after him. So buggy would go home with them, stay overnight in their car, only to come back, unused 2 days later.

I know we are very lucky indeed to have free loving childcare. However I was more than happy to pay our lovely childminder to look after him on other days but they insisted that they wanted to look after him. So they do.

I think they probably are scared of keeping up with him. They do like to go out for walks with him and I can see it from their perspective. However this does not account for them taking the darn thing home with them.

I shall use sling with next baby and give them both buggies to store.

OP posts:

MilkMonitor · 30/06/2008 22:44

Why? Why let them think being weird is ok?

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