Found my 9 year old playing on an old phone at 11pm - TikTok included.

[WinterFaye2]

As per the title - I’ve just found my 9 year old has my old phone in her room & has been playing on it in secret after bedtime. I’ve walked in the room and she hid it under the pillow.

I discovered this after getting a ping on my emails that TikTok has been logged into on another device. She went to bed at 8:30, I found this at 11pm!

I’ve checked the device. Everything is logged out but she has a Tik Tok account! No faces, no comments but she has a Bio, profile pic of something in our garden and 45 ‘friends’.

I’m angry at myself firstly, how did I not see this! I thought that old phone was in the back of a cupboard somewhere.

But also, she’s very aware and definitely knows better. We’ve had lots of conversations around this before. So she knows why this isn’t ok.

I’ve told her this is disappointing and she knows better. That we will talk about it in the morning and I will likely need to mention to school as she will be exhausted tomorrow.

What would you do? I have no idea how to navigate this or what appropriate consequences would be.

I’ve had a talk with the OH and said our phone use around kids is strongly limited. Her Ipad use is probably around 30/40 mins playing time then whatever school work she needs to do on it. She hasn’t even been on it this week so far so maybe not even as much as that this week.

What would you do?

YABU - I guess go easy on her?
YANBU - No this needs a proper consequence

My child is 10 and I’ve had similar issues. At this age they’re naturally curious, so I think clear boundaries around phones and social media are really important. I use Xnspy parental controls and Family link to keep an eye on what my child is doing online, especially when I’m not around. It helps me see if there’s anything I need to talk to them about, rather than finding out after something has gone wrong. I’d definitely have a calm conversation with her too and make sure she knows she can come to you if she sees anything inappropriate.

Thanks all,

I will answer a few of the recent comments before I update.

Thank you BobCherry, I will look into what you have mentioned.

So she knows what TT is probably from me unfortunately. I used to go on it very sporadically but my FYP is mostly cooking, funny videos. Some of which I’ve shared with her. We’ve done loads of different crafting/experiments that we’ve first seen on TT. So like mentioned earlier she has a more positive view of it from that.

She has no friends with phones and no friends on social media.

She likely got the phone because we were in sort out mode for a good length of time during an extension so stuff was everywhere for a period. I’ve seen the phone floating around abandoned and I last put it in the random bits draw in the kitchen. She’s been using it for Duo Lingo (which she does actually do and is getting very good) but obviously that’s given her greater access to a device that isn’t really manned as such with controls.

It’s not 30/40mins a day on her IPad - she will do that in a week at most some weeks. Thats free play. That’s not including school work.

Her free play choices tend to be Minecraft, Canva YouTube (lots of blocked channels) she tends to watch football videos, drawing and she does her yoga from watching videos during it etc. Always in sight of me, that’s why this phone situation has come as a bigger surprise.

Anyway, just incase anyone is going though something similar, what I decided to do:
Based on it being her first ‘offence’ I was stern with her but it wasn’t a telling off.
She was very apologetic and wrote me a letter before I woke up on how she made the wrong choice and why.
So I made it clear her choice was disappointing. I asked her what she was on & reminded her I will be able to see screen time and phone usage when I did an electronics deep dive later that day.
We talked about how screens and apps can affect your mental health, what you can be exposed to, grooming! How the internet is a permanent data log.
I also mentioned how it’s illegal and told a white lie that would’ve been in trouble if her account had been found by the government. I said her having an account was on par with me going to buy her cigarettes- she was shocked at this. I said both are equally illegal

The phone has been confiscated forever. An iPad ban isn’t going to have a great affect as she’s only actually been on it for school work the past 2 weeks. We’ve left it as another 2 weeks or so it’s a no-go then she can decide if she can be trusted to make a better choice.

Shes made a poster about technology and mental health. Her idea….shes done a lots really.

This is getting quite lightly now but just to say, a lot of learning has come out of this for both of us.

Im also very aware this could have been quite different & am not taking it likely. Lots of learning both ways.

Thank you for all of your comments/guidance & opinions x