Am I being unreasonable about our division of labour?

[nostability]

I’m 37F, work full-time from home and my husband is 44M. We don't have kids. He does a couple of late shifts a week alongside consultancy work.

Financially, he pays the rent, council tax, water and around 70% of our basic groceries. I pay rent for my office room, the remaining groceries, for any premium groceries for my personal use/health products/supplements, luxury toiletries, household purchases including appliances and furniture, and I usually cover most of our holidays apart from his fuel/driving costs. We keep our finances separate.

Household-wise, I do pretty much everything. I clean the house, including deep cleans and cleaning on the go, cook his dinners every day, do all the laundry and bedding and generally keep everything running. His regular household job is taking the bins out and that's about it. If he ever uses the kitchen, I have to clean up after him. Water splashes in the sink, table wipes, dusting etc - basically all cleaning on the go is my task.

The issue is that he thinks I should be doing more. He expects

• breakfast made and served to him every day, including days while I’m working and on shift, wouldn't even make a cup of tea for himself without resenting me if I didn't do it for him
• his clean clothes folded and put away
• ideally his meals brought to wherever he is in the house
• hosting his friends and family a couple of times a month which I can't, as it eats into my time to recharge for work

He also wants more say over what I cook, would like me to host his friends and family more often and is unhappy that I don’t spend much time with some of his family because of a difficult history between us. He wants me to be the bigger person and forgive - I can not after repeated and ongoing attempts by his mother to break my home. He wants me to increase my capacity to face toxic behaviour even though he knows my mental health is messed up because of this.

He gets annoyed when I ask him to do basic things for himself. His response when I say I don’t have the bandwidth is that I should increase my capacity to do more around the house. At the same time, he feels I should contribute towards rent and household bills. My position is that if I’m expected to contribute significantly more financially, then the domestic workload also needs to become much more equal. He doesn’t agree and has actually said that

"Doing household chores makes me feel more like a housemate than a husband" - which I think was quite telling.

The immediate argument is that I’ve told him I’m not going to interrupt my workday to make and serve him breakfast when he is capable of making it himself.

Am I being unreasonable? And from the outside, does our current split of finances + household labour seem fair?

A couple of hours ago we were on the phone with his brother discussing something related to my company - he handles accountancy etc and I was there. He was discussing my issues on the phone but wouldn't put the phone on speaker. And then when I tried to share information/add input to what they were discussing (regarding my company) he told me to stop talking so he can hear his brother speak. He then had a weird little smirk for the rest of the phone call while I stood there as if he took some sort of joy out of what he had just done. I have shared with hin quite a few times I feel invisible and unseen when he ignores me completely whenever he is on the phone, even if it is a casual call, even if the conversation is about me or needs my input. I don't exist. Feels like he likes to hurt me because he knows what makes me sad.

Are you planning to leave? It sounds like you want to moan but are putting up with it? Do you want to live your life with this?

Why are you wasting the only life you get on this absolute dickhead? Don’t you want more for yourself?

I assume this is an arranged marriage and you are frightened of the consequences of ending it? There are lots of groups supporting Asian women escaping abuse. Have you heard of Southall Black Sisters? There will be groups on Facebook etc where you can find other women for moral support. Get some money squirrelled away, keep your job and if you can't refuse sex get cast iron contraception. Any threats get on to the police and women's aid immediately.

There's no reasoning with abusers and bullies, you have to save yourself.

It just gets worse at every update.

How much more are you going to take?

it’s like it’s a game for him. Let’s see how miserable he can make you until you break. Just leave.

This is so far from ok I am not sure if you are being serious? Fuck him if he really says things like that and I would run for the hills.

He is a grown man and can make his own breakfast and meals with that attitude. As for hosting his family and friends again he can sort that out. He sees himself as your superior so for that reason I would leave him.

I have just read your updates. He is an abusive, sexist prick who doesn’t care about you. Make plans to find your own place and have a good think about why you married a man like this in the first place. Good on you for refusing to have children with him though.

My exact thoughts.

Does he insist on sex?

No he doesn't. He needs to feel somehow better than me I think for him to be wanting sex.

I am not really moaning. I just feel like sharing more because some of the comments help me see through what is going on and make sense of it in my head. I think I'm still trying to sift through messages of 'leave' and focus on when someone shares helpful advice on how to save this if it's possible at all.

I truly appreciate everyone's responses. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts here and read through - means a lot that you're all talking to me. I just got off the phone with one of my best friends about all of this and vented to him for over an hour and he told me that I won't find anyone better, not at my age. So conflicting. I come on here and read the thread and feel torn. I've felt torn for years. There's not enough good for me to be happy and not enough bad to justify leaving and never looking back. And then the most frustrating thing is when I've had enough, when I finally try to leave, he comes around and becomes just enough agreeable to keep me in the loop again. Always at the very end.

Maybe if I was 27 I would have left in a heartbeat.

How old are you?...and him?

You don’t need to find any one else. Some friend, saying that. You really need to leave, get as much info on his finances as you can and see a solicitor. This man has complete and utter contempt for you.

https://www.kiranss.org.uk/ This organisation may be able to advise you.

I agree that you are still looking for a solution which does not involve removing his horrible presence and influence from your life.

Why is that? Why do you not immediately conclude that you deserve so much better than his treatment of you? He is being so so horrible to you.

To a perfect stranger it’s laughable (if only it were not so heartbreaking) that one of his arguments is that you would never find anyone better. That you still see some purpose in venting to him. I do hope that you can get some clarity on your situation.

And the change required do you can live some part of your life in peace.

I can’t imagine a friend would tell another friend to stay in an abusive relationship. Either this isn’t real or you surround yourself with arse holes.

If you get pregnant by this man, you're trapped and enslaved forever.

Why are you with this man, OP? Seriously ask yourself this. Perhaps in some cultures his behaviour is standard, but the fact that you are questioning it suggests you know it's not OK. He is controlling you, not looking after you, let alone having a mutually respectful partnership.

"he told me that I won't find anyone better, not at my age" .
You are guaranteed to find something better, which is being on your own. You may even meet someone more respectful and genuinely loving, who knows. You won't find any of that by staying with him.

I'd stop doing a thing for him and initiate divorce.

Did he show sexist tendencies before you married?

Sorry OP. You’d be wasting your time. It’s ducks in a row time. Plan your exit strategy. Thank goodness you are renting as selling a house is stressful.

Please don’t spend any more time, money or heartache on this abusive misogynist.

Thank the goddess that you don’t have children with this man, as that would tie you down for decades.

Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Whatever you need to spend to get away from him will be worth it.

The end of the rental period is perfect timing- you can get set up with somewhere new and start your new life.

What's stopping you leaving now? As in today?

You earn a wage, go to a hotel while you work out what to do.

Tell him to fuck off back to 1950

STOP FEELING SAD. GET MAD!!

Take control of your life!

OK, I hear you. I'm going to get mad now. Mad and bad. No more chores. I'll see what happens. I've been searching for rooms since last night. I'll get a storage unit to begin with and think of how to slowly start moving my stuff. Or pack everything and then see how to get it moved. I've got a lot of stuff. He'll think it's for the move.