AIBU not to want to meet my uncle's affair partner?

[CruelsummerTS]

My DUncle who I was quite close to had a long affair / double life. About a year ago he finally left my lovely Daunt to live with his new partner. He treated her quite badly throughout, as well as lying to us/our family about where he was, etc, for many years.

AIBU to not want to meet his new partner?
He thinks that we should have all got over it by now, wants us to go round their new flat and meet her.

I think he behaved appallingly to us all, especially DA, who we have supported throughout, and is naive thinking we can just be ok with it. As a family we initially agreed we will see him at family events but she is not welcome. My sister is very angry and upset still and basically said we don’t need to meet her, we aren’t kids and we can choose the adults we let into our lives and she isn’t a good person (knew about DA, wasn’t lied to by DU as far as we know) I tend to agree with her. But family friends say we should support him and his new relationship now time has passed.

Well you have two choices don't you? Don't go to the funeral, or put your big girl pants on, go, be polite and avoid them as much as possible.

You really do need to think about why you are able to tolerate seeing your uncle (the guy who cheated on your aunt) but not the woman he cheated with.

Arrive late to the service and leave immediately afterwards, avoiding him completely.
You cannot really stop him bringing her.
In and out, no conversation.
Don't go near him.

You can’t stop him from bringing her as funerals are not invitation only.

Either don’t go, or go and ignore them.

If the conversation is had with you, I’d just make it clear that she isn’t welcomed by you. It’s up to him though if he would like to bring her. I imagine he will, and you can just ignore.

I absolutely will not miss the funeral but I hate that he will be creating an awkward atmosphere and making issues for my family at a time when we should be only focused on the person who has passed away.

I feel like we have been quite lenient in still maintaining a relationship with him despite his actions, so this seems like salt in the wound I suppose.

I understand anyone can come to a funeral. AP met the person a few times and he wouldn’t want any drama I know that and will respect it as best I can. I just don’t know how to manage to avoid him/them without it seeming awkward or rude at a funeral.

I feel so sad for DA too as she will be mourning and not want AP’s presence rubbed in her face.

It’s up to you, but their lives aren’t your concern, and you don’t know how the marriage was. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t. Your aunt will be devastated if you socialise with uncle’s AP and your loyalty lies with her no?

Are you my uncle haha!
I don’t know how their marriage was but I know how long it lasted, how long the overlap was, and a decent amount of the lies he told us all.

Wouldn’t what, sorry? Go to the funeral?
I want to go to support DA, she will be there.

Just go polite hi and bye if they try to talk to you. Shuffle off to Daunt for chatter that should help keep them away.

People will respond to your OP, as they often don't read the thread, and you've resurrected an old thread.

I’m not sure I understand why you’re at a loss? It didn’t happen to you.

I understand your aunt will be upset but I think you’ve taken too much of this on yourself. Go to the funeral, be polite, nod hello etc.

Ahh that makes more sense.

Does it count as “resurrected” if it’s an update a month later?! I didn’t think it was worth a whole new thread

Well I’m already struggling with pressure from certain people to welcome AP into my life despite knowing how badly DAunt feels, so I already feel pulled in two directions. I’m also grieving the loss of the family member who passed, so worrying about Ap at the funeral isn’t something I’m going to cope well with.

I hate being forced into these situations. My DD is getting married soon . Her fiance's father had been having a long term affair and parents are divorced . His mother , who I do like , is terribly affected by the thought of having to be around this OW who she has never met . She will do the right thing by her son and focus on the wedding but I really feel for her and will try to be a support . I have been asked to meet his father and OW but so far have refused . Try to say politely that I'd just rather not but feeling very pressured.

It's how these cheaters justify things to themselves - the thought that everyone will get over it .

Perfect example is the Head of the Church , King Charles and his adulterous partner Camilla,now being forced on us as Queen Camilla. We are all supposed to forget .

Does your DA have adult children to support her?

Who is pressuring you to welcome the AP into your life? Did you used to socialise with your uncle a lot?

I wouldn’t be meeting her, nor the uncle. He is worse.

Why are you blaming the woman for the affair rather than the married man?

See who you want, nobody is forcing you to do anything, but your post smacks of casual misogyny. See a lot of it on MN tbh, but it's still gross.

You can't stop him and the affair partner going to the funeral but it doesn't mean you have to speak with them. I would just sit close by to your aunt and be there to support her.

People like your uncle and his affair partner that have no morals and are liars can't be surprised that many people don't want to socialise with liars and prefer to surround themselves with those that are decent and have some integrity. I'd just steer clear of the both of them.

I have an uncle that's an absolute pig and is occasionally at family events like weddings and funerals.... I just ignore him and it's fine.

My thoughts are you and your family go and make sure you sit near your DA so she is shielded to an extent from the Ap. If your uncle comes over you very quietly say this isn’t the time or place to engage with AP so please stop

And then I would ignore them both

Whoever is next of kin to the deceased/is organising the funeral should let your uncle know that his partner is not welcome if that’s how they feel. If they are ok with it then the rest of you can still attend without needing to interact with her.

In general, I completely understand how you feel. I found myself in the same situation with my parents, who separated after a long marriage when my father decided to move in with someone else. He thought we should all just accept his choices and welcome his new partner into our lives, but it’s been seven years now and I still haven’t met her and have no intention of doing so. One of my siblings has met briefly a few times, the other sibling like me has not. I do see my father, although I blame him as much as her for the situation, the unfortunate fact is he is my father and I love him in spite of everything.

I suspect you may feel the same about your uncle. It’s not that you blame one more than the other, but when you love someone you still want them to be in your life despite the hurt they caused.

"As a family we initially agreed we will see him at family events but she is not welcome."
Well, there's the first mis-step. Agreeing to see him at all just opens the door enough for him to feel he can barge right through it. I presume this at the request of your cousin(s)/his and aunt's children? I'd be reassessing. I'd also not have a problem running my own life more to my own taste than an 'as a family' agreement requires.

"But family friends say we should support him and his new relationship now time has passed."
I'd be telling them to fuck off. Are they flying monkeys, their actions prompted by him; or are they personally of this opinion? Flying monkeys, they're in his thrall and weak. Of their own volition, they lack morals. Either way, it'd be a fuck off from me.

"I understand anyone can come to a funeral. AP met the person a few times and he wouldn’t want any drama I know that and will respect it as best I can. I just don’t know how to manage to avoid him/them without it seeming awkward or rude at a funeral."
To be brutally blunt - a funeral is for the living, not the dead. You may feel you are honouring the dead's preferences for no drama, but honestly - the living take precedence.

If your uncle had any sense of decorum he'd stay away, it's not hard to work out that a family grieving could do without him rubbing salt in the wounds; but obviously he has no empathy for others so of course he'll show, and press his AP on you all. He may well see it as an ideal opportunity, one he'll want to exploit - just as he will exploit everyone's trying not to make things awkward or be rude.

Personally I'd have no problem being rude, nor of letting him feel awkward. I would feel no need to talk to him or even acknowledge his presence; I am perfectly capable of looking into the middle distance, essentially looking straight through him. Woe betide if he insists on trying to engage, I'd just walk away. This is not a strategy for the timid, I will admit. You do have to hold your nerve, and prioritise your feelings over 'not being nice', which many people struggle with. But it's easier to look yourself in the mirror if you can do it. ((hug))

Read my posts I’ve already explained this

I'd stick like glue to your DA Op so that her Ex doesn't get a chance to come over to either of you unless he's brazen enough to approach you together. He may think a year is long enough for you to forgive and forget but that's his opinion, you dont have to share it

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

Was the deceased related by blood/adoption to your uncle, or to your aunt? I think this makes a difference tbh because your uncle won’t want to stay away from his brother’s (for example) funeral and he’ll naturally want his OH there for support.