I'm 41 and have been with my partner for around two years. I love him enormously, which is why I'm genuinely struggling to know whether I've made a terrible mistake.
The good: I trust him completely. He adores me, he's affectionate, funny, intelligent and kind, we have great chemistry and I can completely be myself with him. He's really tried with my children despite not having/wanting children himself. He'll help with anything I ask, comes to family things, pays his way and is completely non-controlling. I know how valuable it is to have a genuinely loving, faithful man and I don't take that for granted.
The problem is that increasingly I feel like I carry the relationship. I plan and book virtually everything, drive everywhere and generally provide all the momentum. He'll happily come along, but often feels passively present rather than actively involved. I want a partner who occasionally says "I've sorted this" rather than someone I have to ask.
He's also a very heavy cannabis user and will smoke from the morning onwards at weekends. In fairness, I've NEVER asked him to stop and used cannabis myself until just over a month ago. I've even encouraged him to smoke before social/family things because it relaxes him, so I accept I've been contradictory.
Since stopping myself, though, I'm seeing it differently. He can spend family days high — pleasant and gentle, but not really engaged. He also lives in a very dirty/messy house, procrastinates over important financial/property matters and isn't dealing with health issues. He's very capable but seems to have little motivation to actually sort things out.
Yesterday brought everything to a head.
We had a family day out with my 10yo daughter. She was hyper and difficult at times, so I'm not pretending she was an angel. That evening she kept getting out of bed and I actually shouted at her myself.
Eventually she said she felt sick. My partner didn't really believe her, but she then actually vomited. She has a phobia of being sick and became very distressed and was crying/wailing. I comforted her and got her settled.
When I returned to our bedroom, my partner was laughing hysterically, literally until he cried, at the noise she'd made while being sick/distressed.
He was high, which may explain the giggles, and I DON'T think he's fundamentally cruel. But it really upset me, particularly because only shortly beforehand I'd been talking to him about everything she's been through since her parents separated and how much she needs love and security.
This morning he apologised, but it felt dismissive and he said he didn't know how many times he could apologise. I told him I didn't want to be with a man who laughed at my child when she was frightened, told him to pack my things for someone to collect and slammed the door when he left. Not my finest moment.
Now I'm wondering if I've made an enormous mistake.
The incident with my daughter was the catalyst, but this isn't a new feeling. I've questioned for a long time whether this is the life I want. If he was exactly the same in five years — same cannabis use, passivity and lack of initiative — I don't think I'd choose it.
But I LOVE him, trust him and know he's a good person.
I'm terrified I'm throwing away a loving, faithful man because I'm expecting some mythical perfect partner who'll adore me, be faithful, take initiative, be financially responsible, drive, plan things and be brilliant with my children.
Or maybe love and trust simply aren't enough when you want fundamentally different lives.
AIBU to end it?
YABU – I've overreacted and I'm throwing away a good relationship over things we could work on.
YANBU – the incident was a catalyst, but the bigger incompatibility is enough reason to leave someone even when you still love them.