AIBU to refuse being named as my brother’s power of attorney?

[Mancity08]

Yesterday brother sent me a message to ask me for my full address as he was doing POA online
I asked did he know what this involves as there’s 2 financial & health, it’s a lot to ask and I’ve got solicitor to sort mine (didn’t say , I didn’t want a family member to have to sort this. They may well be in their 80’s)
He came back with yes , just wanted to out you down and xxx just incase I loose capacity as kids are in New Zealand .
I just said, kids can still be it , they would get in touch with them .
I said what if I made a decision and your kids later didn’t agree, it’s on my back then
He said obviously I’d get in touch with them first to get the decision

In the end I said , I don’t think I’d want the responsibility ( not to say I might be in my 80’s or older, do I need that stress then)

was I being unreasonable?

Well it’s a great compliment to you that your brother trusts you to make those decisions for him, so whatever you decide, you could tell him that you are touched that he has that faith in you and that it means a lot to you that he feel that way. But ultimately if you aren’t comfortable doing it, then you aren’t, and you should just explain that politely.

Do you mean you have a solicitor as your POA? Sorry if I'm misunderstanding. How does that work with the multiple jobs that need to be done when someone loses capacity, like dealing with bills, getting cash out etc? My husband currently has POA for his mum and stepdad and is forever doing jobs for them on the phone and in person. And with the health one - how could a solicitor advocate for you while you are in hospital and make decisions about your care? It's a hell of a responsibility, but family really are best placed to help.

It seems quite mean to not do this for a close family member, but it’s your choice.

I get it, not wanting to be POA for someone a similar age to yourself

Are you possibly confusing POA and executor? POA isn't something that can just be sorted as it's a ongoing thing.
Anyway- I'ts very rude of him to assume and not ask nicely. Both roles could be alot of work.

Same, it's not very practical. Really he should have people who are younger, and this is too important to agree just to keep someone happy. If OP says yes, and he thinks the matter is settled, they could both lose capacity around the same time and he's lost the chance to have someone more suitable.

You list a second back up person for exactly this reason.

You're free to say yes or no. That's not unreasonable

I have POA for my parents and for my DS. The way I look at it is that in the event that a POA needs to be used, there's some level of difficulty happening that I would be involved in helping with anyway because I love my relatives and I'd want to support as I was able. The POA makes it possible/easier for me to resolve the issue or provide the support I want to provide.

It makes sense in your situation for your DB to name his kids and you as attorneys who could act jointly or severelly on most issues, but perhaps only jointly for larger decisions around life, death and house sales. People who aren't in the country and are in a different time zone would certainly find all the day to day life admin financial stuff impossible to sort.

In terms of your relative age to your DB, shit happens. He might need this next week, next year, sooner than when you're both in your 80s. But if you both get to your dotage and don't feel able to act as an attorney, these nothing that compells you to do anything. Which would be why naming more than one person (including younger people) would be sensible for your DB

I don't know how a solicitor would act as an attorney (cost) effectively, they don't know you, how can they make choices that you would have made. They will charge the earth for every action they take. they'd drain your estate dry. Are you sure you're not getting confused with executors?

I have done my parents’. But my husband and I are in our early 50s and have done each other and also adder our young adult children. We thought it could be needed if one of us for example has a stroke and loses capacity and the other one needs to manage the finances. It could also help if one of us was abroad and needed to take charge. Better safe than sorry I reckon. We did it ourselves without a solicitor.

A sibling is different. But I think I would still say yes.

He needs someone of the next generation to be his LPA. It might be hard for them to act from NZ but that doesn't mean you could do it. Is there a nephew or niece who would do it jointly with his kids and be the person on the ground?

Doing the banking could be difficult. Often you have to open a bank account of the same institution in order to become poa or you have to go into the bank to provide documents. I do all my dad's online payments I'm not sure how much a solicitor would charge to do that.

Yep, although we don't have confirmation DB intends to do that here. But however you slice it this is taking a greater risk than would be the case if he got someone younger instead.

Depends a bit how old you are now and if his children or grandchildren are likely to return to UK. Time difference would make them acting as an attorney difficult. You can disclaim responsibility when you feel unable to do the role in future.

I’d have to get out my will and have another read through it , but I’m sure I havnt written any of my brother or sister down as POA. As my ds has learning disabilities and would not know where to start hence solicitor involvement.
I am the youngest in my family @ 69.

Yes I was touch when he mentioned it , but was also annoyed that he just assumed I’d do it not even thinking the amount of work involved doing it.
I know what’s involved being one and especially if you have other family members. It can cause lots of problems as in others don’t agree with your decision and then want to know where the money is being spent. Why havnt you done this , asked this, how much is it. I think dad /brother would want this Etc etc
It can become very stressful and at now 69 I don’t feel I want that stress put on me
You don’t know what families are like until death/money happen because of lots of different factors . He only has 2 children (50&44) and 1 grandchild (14) Niece & nephew are doing their own parents POA
There’s no chance them coming back to the UK as they’ve been out there 20+ years the other 9 years, they love it .
The other sister he’s asked is my eldest sister @ 76 yrs old.

I suppose I’m the type of woman that doesn’t like to ask on people especially as none of my family are under 70 years old now and I personally would not expect a 70+ person to sort my affairs out , it’s far too much to ask in my opinion
Even as someone said , we don’t know when it’s our time to go next week , next year
So basically there’s no one younger but he’s own 2 kids, but there in NZ and too far away to not be able to sort things out . This is what happens when your kids go to the other side of the world and expect her siblings to address finances/ health until passing, then they reap the benefits for doing nothing

Why would you need to look at your will? That won’t have your Power of Attorneys written in it.

Shinyandnew1

sorry not my will , I meant my POA forms

You can just tell him you won't do it, and if he puts you down anyway, just ignore the letter asking you to confirm. It won't go ahead without that.

In your situation I wouldn't do it either. I would also be a bit worried by this

"I said what if I made a decision and your kids later didn’t agree, it’s on my back then
He said obviously I’d get in touch with them first to get the decision"

Is he suggesting that you would be the official POA but you would have to get his kids to agree everything first, or do what they said? That's a recipe for disaster. Even if you're his POA and you want to involve his children, say for a health matter, the time difference will make that difficult if you need to make decisions quickly.

Right.

The forms aren’t very difficult to do, he shouldn’t need to pay a solicitor, but he obviously does need to ask people who are happy to do it, not assume!

Who have you asked to be yours? Maybe talk him through your reasons for your choices.

having a lawyer as your formal PoA is not a typical choice and is probably not a good idea. the lawyer doesn't know you well enough to make the right decisions, and the admin fees would be enormous.

it is typical to have a family member, either a sibling or a child. and if you are his nearest family in the UK, then you are the obvious choice.

Oh, is that what you meant, OP-have you got a solicitor to be your power of attorney? I can imagine that getting incredibly expensive!