To believe my DD when she says she doesn't vape

[NotTonightDeidre]

DD is 15 (16 next month). She rang me from school at lunchtime today (that's a whole different issue considering the mobile phone ban) to tell me that Mrs X was going to call me later because someone had allegedly seen DD vaping on Friday.

She told me that she hadn't been vaping and didn't know why someone would say she had, other than it being a personal vendetta. She said that she told school she was happy for them to check her bag/pockets.

Mrs X called at 6:30pm to tell me that DD had been seen vaping outside the school gate at the end of the school day on Friday, and that any further instances would result in suspension from school. It transpires that it was a member of staff who had seen the alleged incident.

I spoke to DD again, but she's adamant she wasn't vaping and doesn't vape. I asked how she'd feel about me checking her bag etc. and she was okay with this (although I appreciate she's had the opportunity to get rid of anything, given that school had already spoken to her). She also said she wouldn't risk missing prom by vaping, which is probably a more convincing argument than anything else.

I've never had any reason to suspect that she vapes. She doesn't have a lot of cash, and her bank account is linked to mine, so I can see her transactions. She doesn't go out an awful lot. I drive her to school and she walks home.

AIBU to believe her, or am I being naive?
There are several hundred students at the school, and they all leave via the same exit. She's not a remarkable child in terms of looks and has a "generic teen girl" style, so there's a small possibility of mistaken identity. She says some kids do vape as soon as they leave the grounds.

I was once accused of doing something by my school. I hadn’t done it, and it was frankly ridiculous to think that I had. But my mum had this “all teens lie” attitude and it really significantly affected our relationship. I never trusted her with anything.

I’m not saying teens don’t lie and therefore believe everything they ever say. But doing the opposite and disbelieving them is just as unhelpful.

I used to swear blind to my mother that I never smoked in school and that the detentions were unjustified… I absolutely was smoking every time. Sorry! I wasn’t a liar in general either.

Do you know which member of staff says she saw your DD vaping? If it's your DD's form teacher who has known her since Year 7, it's highly unlikely to be a case of mistaken identity. If it was a teacher who taught your DD for two hours a week last year and constantly got her name wrong, the mistaken identity theory sounds a bit more plausible.

Same.

all kids lie. It's part of growing up

So she was allegedly seen vaping outside the school gate ... so none of their business? I find anything to do with smoking gross, but it's such a non issue if the girl is stupid enough to do it, but what;s it all about? I went to a strict school where we could be called in to the headmistress if we were seen eating in uniform, is it a bit like that?

I remember a teacher accusing me of smoking and I did not smoke!
She was furious yelling at me that I was lying as she claims she saw me with her own eyes!
Still annoys me 40 years later because whoever she did see was not me

This.
in these situations with my daughter of a similar age I just say ‘ok I trust you, vaping would be a really shit idea wouldn’t it’ and leave it. There’s nothing else you can actually do, just don’t go on about it any more as you’ll just close her off.

For people saying that staff would automatically know her as she's been there 5 years. She hasn't. She was there in Y7 & 8, but a different school for the last 2 years. She looks quite different now & also, there's been quite a significant turnover of staff.

It could be mistaken identity. I got a phone call from the school one afternoon saying me eldest had been seen smoking in the woods beside the school that lunchtime……. I had to tell them my DD wasn’t even in school that day.

they went and checked and called me back, apologising and said the teacher had mixed my DD up with another pupil

Well, they can and do get things wrong.

When my eldest was at secondary I had a call to say that the teacher had seen him walking home after school causing trouble.

I asked how confident they were in what they were saying and was told they 100% knew they were right. Issue for that teacher was they were 100% wrong, as at the time they specified, he was sat next to me in the car.

Same, I used to keep my school supply above a ceiling tile in the toilets so that nothing was found if they did a bag or pocket search.

I would support the school. You're not doing your daughter a favour by undermining them.

Come on op! Stop being daft! Of course she vapes. Honestly there should be a teen version of “not my Nigel”. Not my Olivia ?!

Hate to break it to you but they pretty much all vape. And even nice teens will lie to your face. Twas ever thus.

i found vapes in dd2s room around 14. Instead of going mad we did the “it’s unhealthy it’s not what our family do we trusted you we will reduce your freedom”. Dd2 did stop but said it made her the odd one out as everyone else did except her best friend who also gave up too.

She said it was the equivalent of a mum not drinking coffee or wine with her friends. They became known as “the ones that didn’t vape”. Mixed group state / private professional parents etc.

DD2 was vaping when she was younger than that. Rather than coming down like a ton of bricks, I just said to her that it seems a bit daft - rather a waste of precious pocket money and isn't very good for you, and doesn't help with fitness (she likes going to the gym). She probably had a year or two of trying it but doesn't vape now at 17. DH vapes, and smoked all his life from teenage years before that, and I had a go at smoking in my teens and 20s but never became addicted, so I expected it at some point. I don't know if DD1 has tried, she was more discreet if she did.

Agree don’t go nuclear over it it’s not worth damaging the relationship over. And you want her to be able to come to you if something goes wrong that’s why we didn’t go full 90s parent shouting over it. It’s definite small fry in the range of possible teen issues.

I'm such an idiot. She's come to me this morning and told me she does vape. She still maintains she wasn't doing it outside school on Friday but how can I believe her?!

I'm so disappointed in her and in myself for not even noticing or suspecting anything.

I didn't go mad at her, I just told her I was disappointed and concerned for her health. It's actually just made me really sad.

You're not an idiot, most parents will have been in your shoes at one point. It's good that she fessed up, hopefully the shame will motivate her to stop.

As a first offence and with no actual evidence I would take her word for it this time but then keep a close eye for a bit. Children do do stupid things sometimes when around other children. It’s possible she may have just been caught trying out someone else’s vape? Tell her you believe her this time and reiterate how bad they are for her health etc.. Then just watch. Hopefully if she was testing it out she’s learnt it’s not worth the hassle.

Oops - missed the latest update! Sorry! My first point still stands. Kids do stupid things. Is she prepared to work with you to stop?

Sneaking around with a phone, talk of vendetta, she sounds like a total drama queen and is definitely vaping. Schools don't waste time on this stuff based on hearsay alone.

dont feel like that, it’s not your fault she’s betrayed your trust, I would be the same in your shoes. It’s about the trust and lying that would disappoint me.

It’s good that she’s fessed up. I’d take that as a small win.