AIBU to think I can’t fix the problems in my ex’s blended family?

[boredwfh]

My exH met his current partner around a year after we split. After a string of girlfriends in fairly quick succession, who he thought could all potentially be “the one”, this relationship stuck.
She lived around an hour away from us. They moved in together in her home town quite quickly, were pregnant within a year and now have an 8-month-old baby who my DD absolutely loves.
His DP also has a 6-year-old son from a previous relationship. My DD is 9 and goes to her dad’s most weekends.
The problem is that DD and his DP’s son just do not get on. There is a lot of arguing and fighting and, from what I gather, it makes family time when DD is there an absolute nightmare. DD says she finds him annoying and has also expressed some jealousy that he gets to spend more time with her dad during the week than she does. Her dad now lives an hour away, so seeing DD during the week isn’t really practical.
DD is happy with the custody arrangements and wants to see her dad. She just doesn’t like his DP’s son.
It has now got to the point where, if DD and the 6-year-old are there at the same time, they sometimes do completely separate activities to keep them apart. They recently went on holiday together and apparently it was a nightmare because of the constant fighting and arguing.
Obviously I speak to DD about her behaviour. I tell her she needs to be kind, patient and to ignore him if she feels he is deliberately winding her up. I don’t tell her it is acceptable to argue or fight with him.
My ex now wants me to do more to resolve the situation and has suggested a meeting between him, his DP, my DP and me to discuss it.
The problem is, I genuinely don’t know what more I can do from my house.
DD also lives in a blended family here. My DP has two daughters, although they are young adults so obviously the dynamics are very different. DD adores them and gets on extremely well with my DP. We simply don’t have the behavioural issues here that her dad describes.
My ex and I don’t particularly get on and I have never met his DP. If I genuinely thought sitting down together would help DD, I would do it. I just can’t see what this meeting is actually going to achieve.
Last year, my ex tried to attribute DD’s behaviour at his house to her bedtime at mine. He was demanding that I put her to bed earlier because he believed tiredness was causing her to misbehave at his house. Yet I wasn’t experiencing the tantrums or behaviour he was describing here.
I was very much the default parent when we were together and he struggled with discipline and managing her behaviour then too.
I strongly suspect the actual problem is the family dynamic at his house. You have two fairly close-in-age children who don’t like each other, who didn’t choose to become a family, and who are now expected to spend most weekends together. Add in DD potentially feeling displaced because this child gets to live with her dad full-time, plus a new baby, and I can understand why there are difficulties.
But I don’t know what I can realistically do about that from my household.
So AIBU to decline the meeting and tell my ex that, while I will continue to talk to DD about her behaviour and expectations when she is there, the dynamics within his household are something he and his DP need to manage?

@SALaw I take your point about the boy. The OP and her ex allegedly have 50/50 custody, that's why he has his DD most weekends, large chunks of the holidays and doesn't pay CMS.

The OP has already spoken to their DD about being kinder to the little boy, I'm not sure what else she could do.

Why is she spending most weekends at her Dads? It should be 50/50
You're doing all the tough parenting Mon- Fri & deserve to have sone down time to do fun stuff.
Also it might help your DD to have some nice weekends without the stress & drama of her father's blended family.

Ultimately it's down to her dad & his new partner to address the situation with their blended family. What he thinks you're going to do about something That's none of your business & have never seen it do not know.

Her father should make a mid week effort even if it's just to take her out to tea for 1:1 time for a couple of hours.

@SpottyDeckchair See above for the explanation re. weekends. The OP is being incredibly accommodating towards her ex and their DD is happy with the arrangement.

Do it with a professional (counsellor/mediator) there. For the sake of the kids, who didn't choose this, all the adults should try to do whatever they can.

The issue is with both children when they are together... that has nothing to do with the OP, she isn't there then.

Dad needs to parent his own kids.

Other than it causing her daughter upset?

Many children are upset by the presence of their siblings for many years.

if the OP has specific examples of her daughter being badly treated, then she should raise that, however from the sounds of things the two children just don’t get on. Apart from keeping them separate if possible and setting expectations of good behaviour (which only the present parent can do effectively), only time and maturity will change this.

9 year old girls and 6 year old boys are sometimes just chalk and cheese.

So, your Ex's DP has a son of her own, and a new baby. All of a sudden your DD is the problem.

Sounds to me as if your weak ex is getting it in the neck from his DP about your DD.

I've already said on this thread that I think she should go and listen because it will hopefully benefit her daughter. However, the issue is with BOTH the 6 year old and 9 year old... so if the OP is going to be part if this I think the other child's parents should also be part of it. Otherwise it sounds like they are singling out the OPs daughter.

^ This.

I would also question how They are managing the children. There is definitely some tiptoeing in order to manage the behaviours.

The DC are 6&9 ffs, the adults need to step in and teach about mutual relationships - obviously in a child friendly way.

But yeah op just stay out of it.

I think its pretty normal siblings dynamic for a 6 year old and a 9 year old to hate each other and not get on. The fact that they are step siblings adds another layer of resentment. Personally, I see no harm on a meet up but realistically you cant do anything. EX needs to manage the children's behaviour in his home. Maybe you could suggest family therapy for him and his family.

I think having the meeting is a reasonable plan if you can take somebody with you so it isn't two vs one. Meeting your ex's new partner will give you information - she might be an ally / you will hopefully get a better handle on her.

It's not your problem to fix but you might be able to help them fix it.

Thinking of my nephew and niece at these ages: they can't quite play together without assistance. The older one has much more developed skills and the younger one isn't their equal for playing board/card/other games. That's frustrating for them both, but add an adult to the younger one's team and it works better.

Your ex and his partner may need help to identify the implications of the age gap. Divide and rule is a good strategy, one grown up per child.

👌

This

This covers it perfectly. I agree with PPs that expecting every weekend is unreasonable after moving so far away that he cannot do weeknights but insists on 50:50. A classic example of him doing what he wants and everyone else having to fit in with him. He sounds like an arse. Definitely don’t meet. This is for him to fix.

The 6yo is not going to stop spending time at his mum’s so there is no point continuing the every weekend thing. DD can go when he is not there. Does your ex ever spend any meaningful 1:1 time with DD?

I agree with this. I don’t think you should go to a meeting where they would essentially “double team” you.

You can meet 121 with you ex and then he can manage things separately with his partner. More work for him but it’s right he should do the leg work.

I do think blended families are more often than not shit for kids though.

Edit - I also don’t think 50:50 where one parent does most of the weekdays and the other gets all the weekends is a good idea. If he can’t do half the school days as well as eow he doesn’t get 50:50 - he can have eow and pay maintenance.

I’d ask Ex what did his DP’s Ex and his new DP say when him and his DP sat down with them to discuss the issue?
because if it is your issue then surely it is his issue too?
he might see how ridiculous he is - he is DD’s parent and needs to parent in his time. Nothing in your post suggests that you are working against him…

I strongly suspect the actual problem is the family dynamic at his house. You have two fairly close-in-age children who don’t like each other, who didn’t choose to become a family, and who are now expected to spend most weekends together. Add in DD potentially feeling displaced because this child gets to live with her dad full-time, plus a new baby, and I can understand why there are difficulties.

In your shoes, I would send him something like you said here. Suggest he talks to DD about the above, not drag you into their family set up

Could he have a point re the bedtimes? What time does she go to bed with you? If she’s up late every night Mon-Thur and then arriving with him shattered on Friday that might be having an impact?

I think show as willing as you feel able to- ie “Ok, we’ll try bringing weekday bedtimes forward by half an hour and see if that helps” IF you think he might have a point, or

“I’ve bought her a book about blended families and we’re talking together about what might help”, or offer what works generally in your experience ie

”What I find diffuses her if she’s overtired/stroppy is xyz, or better still if we do abc regularly than we don’t see it escalating”

I think you could do all that without a meeting.

Ultimately it’s in your daughter’s best interests for all the adults to make it work.

I agree that a meeting isn't going to be productive.

How about suggesting she goes there on the weekends the boy is away, and the other weekends she stays at yours but maybe your ex drives over and takes her out for some one on one time at some point over the weekend or one evening if that works better

Agree with everyone here that rightly states it is not your problem.

Your ex should suck it up and dedicate the weekend the boy is also there, to his daughter. Separately.

Mix up families like this and you need to accept to repercussions of your inability to put your children before your sex life.

If this was me I'd be meeting him. She spends a lot of time there and it's in her interests to try and work out what's going on and give her the tools to manage it.

You say they fall out but who instigates, what are the trigger points? How do each of them react in an argument? Is there any violence? It's very different scenario if he is being a little shit to her, vs they're just getting on each others nerves.

I'd be seeing if I could observe the dynamic either at the dads house or see if he can take some videos or something. I think that would be useful rather than getting a child's version.

And then either getting them both some family type therapy. Or working out if there are triggers that could be avoided. Looking at if there are any team building type stuff they could do to bond. Giving your daughter some tools to respond in a way that doesn't escalate. Eg the boy says she's annoying, she says why would you say that, that's hurtful, rather than saying 'no I'm not, you're annoying'. ChatGPT is good at giving some advice about how to shut things down.

Her dad should be doing all this but he's not. Yes it's his job but do you want your daughter to spend every weekend and holiday in a high conflict situation, or avoid her dad? Or help her sort it out

How do things work in your home - does DD spend time with your DP & his older children or is it mainly you and DD spending time together? Do you all spend time together and does DD spend time with you and DP? Normally teens don't want to spend much time with younger children so if DD is more the only child at home she doesn't have to compete and she's the youngest. At dad's house she's the oldest so it's the total opposite set up to home. What am I saying - basically she's living 2 lives as do all children of blended families and it's a lot. I can't imagine my mum & dad having split up when I was her age and getting a step mum & step family I'd just want my dad😭 and if he had a child with step mum he'd really need to handle that very delicately. ExDH can't cope with it all.

Does your DD want you to meet up as suggested by her dad?
If so, I think you should agree to it but in a neutral place not at their house. And just listen to what he suggests you do ….otherwise keep reiterating what you have already said. That is that you will continue to talk to your DD about being kind and patient etc but otherwise, not actually being there, you can do nothing more to help.

if your DD doesn’t know about the proposed meeting, I wouldn’t attend just to be criticised and held accountable for something beyond your control.

i think the problem will resolve itself naturally over the years but for now, it’s important that your DD sees you standing up for her and doing everything to make her experience at her dad’s as pleasant as possible.

If you go my first question would be what’s being done or put in place to stop the wee lad annoying her to the extent that she reacts? How if he being reprimanded to give her space?

What is dad doing to make sure DD doesn’t feel pushed out? What is he doing to make her feel secure? What if he doing to remove her from situations where she is getting frustrated?

All back on them and their parenting.