Whole families on UC, PIP, DLA and carers' allowance for each other?

[Hutinthemiddleofnowhere]

This isn't a bashing, rather a genuine observation and we're privileged in the UK to have support with benefits and disabilities.

Having adopted 2 siblings with special needs over a decade ago it opened me up to a whole new world to me. With DC in specialist schools and needing a lot of intervention from agencies and medical support I've met so many parents and children. As a teacher this was so insightful and, while having always been extra devoted to students who had difficulties, my own experience as a parent took it to another level.

Teaching, I was always aware and sympathetic to those who barely made it to lesson, almost fell asleep but professionally had to adhere to the 'not participating' and when told to 'fuck off' it was call out. I knew there would be further investigation as to why they act like this by more able and senior colleagues. Didn't take it personally but, as you can imagine, it's difficult when you have several students like this while under the pressure of teaching a tricky maths part of the syllabus.

So as a parent of ND DC I experienced it from the other side. It was very difficult because our DC were causing disruptions due to their severe diagnosis.

Throughout our journey and specialist schools I saw a lot of reality. This comes (finally) back to my point. Year after year it became blatantly obvious that the vast majority of children have parents with their own issues, whether hereditary or learnt behaviour.

I got a job at the primary school as a liason officer so met most parents. All lovely and care about their DC but sadly struggled with managing themselves, their homes etc. Those few who weren't eligible for taxis and escorts (walkable distance) relied heavily on GPs to take and pick up from school. There were some parents who did drive and drop off, like me, but it was about 5%.

So mostly the parents were on UC, claimed PIp for anxiety and MH, got DLA for all DC and also carers' allowance for looking after DC. While i visited it was clear they were were reclusive, their days were spent watching TV, gaming, DC picked up in a taxi and they had struggled to get out of bed, knew they are provided breakfast at school, went back to bed. Yes I've seen this on an early morning visit multiple times.

I understand but also a part of me felt frustrated that they had fallen into a rut, able bodied, could have long conversations, but have had so much support that has enabled this.

As a school we reached out to parents to come and integrate, provided workshops, held informal educational classes how we can help our DC. As a parent and before being employed there I attended these and it so nice to meet other parents. The reality... they just sat there, being served coffee by an already busy TA, talked all the way through the presentations then left, after already leaving several times for a smoke during an hour and half get together. Still as an attending parent at this point I could see TA was struggling so stepped in to help serve the refreshments, set up equipment and clear up afterwards. One Mum asked me to open a window, another asked to give her some biscuits...I was the same as them, a parent, but they were just totally oblivious to the situation.

Then walking out, having cleaned up and they were chatting outside, all I heard was that was so boring, I know how to bring up my kids, waste of time coming out, so what you doing now, probably Netflix.

Then getting the role and seeing deeper into their lifestyles it confirmed that actually so many of these parents had come from a generational cycle with low aspirations and no encouragement within modern education, social workers or support from us all could change their mindsets of behaviour. Sadly it really is a case of we get money, DC have their consoles, school provides meals and exercise, bags of amazing stuff at Christmas and end of year which we don't even say thank you for, we can complain online if we don't like something etc.

This is just the basic circumstances, delve deeper and you would be shocked at how some of these poor kids live. A whole different thread would have to be made about drug dealing, violence, not allowing DC in the house so they have to become one of the balaclava gangs and so much more.

As parents, even if we have our own issues, we all need to put our DC first, not rely on others to do it for us.

Most people I know on UC are on way less anyway. I guess they would be safe under your utopia.

You only get carers allowance for one child, it’s not very much. Looking after people with disabilities whilst disabled yourself is a feat and an expensive one at that.
but you know this and have just come to wind people up

Thank you ☺️

What is the muscle relaxant? I’ve been prescribed all sorts for painful spasms, none of which work. It’s horrendous!

I hope @Hutinthemiddleofnowhere read this post properly.

Here's a reminder just in case👆🏻

Yes, op is spot on. Unfortunately the wrong people are breeding disproportionately - the benefits street couples are the only ones who can afford to keep popping out kids, while many middle earning couples decide they can't afford to have children.

I wouldn't have believed it myself a few years back, but I've seen first hand just how many people are milking the system and have never contributed. In most cases their sense of entitlement is so shockingly strong that they genuinely believe they are owed everything, on a silver platter.

The girls leaving school at 16, not going into further education or having career aspirations, from their point of view, the best thing they can do is get pregnant and start a family as soon as they can, while still teenagers. For most of them, that's exactly what their parents did too, it's just what they're used to, and before they know it, they up grandparents in their 30's.

If we don't manage to get our welfare state culture under control very soon the country will be bankrupt (it's probably too late already). Vast majority of the parents in these households are quite capable of work, but don't have any incentive while the state picks up their tab. If the benefits system simply stopped paying out tomorrow, they'd all have to go out and get jobs in order to survive, but not while we're giving them an alternative.

On the other hand, there's far less employment opportunities out there than there used to be - so much automation and ai, and so little actual industry left in the uk that a huge number of the blue collar and semi skilled white collar jobs simply don't exist any more. There's not actually anywhere near enough work to go around anymore, so maybe it's actually for the best that we pay a lot of people to stay home a d leave what's left of the jobs market for those who do want to work? It's basically the future we're all being sold - robots and ai will do all the work, so humans can all just sit at home and watch Netflix while receiving a state income. Or else James Cameron got it right and ai will become self aware and figure out that humans are the threat to the planet and need taking out. Either way, the future looks quite depressing.

Its just pridinol, which is prescribed on the NHS, just not for his particular condition.

That’s not true. Birth rates have dropped across all sectors of European society.
It is certainly not more affordable to raise children on benefits than having a decent working wage.
I rarely see anyone criticising sections of society who have children year after year and rarely have a job due to cultural reasons, at this rate someone needs to be having children.

Granted, in working class areas, careers don’t stop you having children until your mid 30’s but that’s a choice not based on affordability. It doesn’t cost millions to raise a child. I doubt those children on benefits street are living it up enjoying the nice things life has to offer.

Benefits are out of control indeed, Children are a gift.

Why won't the NHS prescribe it? It is routinely prescribed as a muscle relaxant.

Thank you ☺️

Tbh I find this wholly insulting and patronising. Both my kids are ND, one is also severely mentally disabled. I am also ND, and it is genetic (me and one of my sons have had full genetic tests, and my other son will be having them soon). I claim HRC and HRM mobility for one son (DS1), and don't claim for the other one (DS2)(although I might do). Neither do I claim PIP for myself (and, yes, i do also have depression and anxiety, but I'd be surprised if anyone living a life like mine isnt).

I don't work because my son has a high level of complex needs. But I did work. I had a great job once a time, but life can turn on a dime.

I am a recluse, and it's not because I enjoy sitting in all day watching Netflix, it's because I have so much to do. It's never done. Most of the time, the only day I'll leave the house is Saturday to take DS 2 to football training and DS 1 to his club.

The 'professionals' are desperate to help me because I have had 1 night away from DS1 in 12 years, and that was because I was in hospital. I haven't had a whole 24 hour break. DS1 now requires 2 to 1 care in public. We have funding for carers and short break respite, but nobody so far is willing/able to help with the latter or the waiting list is so long.

I'm exhausted, alone, completely broke, and fed up of being judged. I know an awful lot of SEN families, in fact, these are the only people I know, and not one of them matches your description.

(I can also assure you that we are not receiving "bags of amazing stuff at Christmas". I don't know who is, but it's not us. Also... free school meals/free breakfasts are pointless for us because neither of my kids' schools do free breakfast, but neither boy would eat what was offered anyway. DS2's school's FSM at lunch don't include the full spectrum of the menu, and he often won't eat the things that are included. DS1 goes in with a lot of food as he probably won't eat what's on offer, so i still have to pay for breakfasts and lunches.)

Do you have any idea how offensive and judgemental you are being? You can't decide that one group of people all behave in the same way just because that's your experience.
If you live in a nice area with a good job how do you know all these people who would rather be on benefits and have spiralled in to addiction? Or do you believe everything you see/ are told by the media?

It won’t be a mumsnet majority experience, when you live in an area like I do, where benefits pay more than working it happens

@EmeraldShamrock000 so maybe it’s time to ensure companies actually pay ther workers a REAL living wage. Not a paltry that has to be topped up by governments through UC.

IF, and that a huge IF, the only reason why some people spend their life on benefits then giving working people a reasonable wage to live on will solve the issue right?
Because that not benefits being too high seeing so many children need breakfast and school dinners so they can eat….

See also the fact there are more food banks in the U.K. than MCAS Donald’s too.

And it can take ages to get a diagnosis. A friend's son was under CAMHS for more than 5 years by the time he got his autism assessment.

Think of how much DLA and CA she missed out on over those 5 years?

Yep. That too.

Though a child doesn't need a diagnosis to be eligible for DLA.

That would be massively unfair. A family paying £1200 a month in a private rented property would be much worse off than an otherwise identical family paying £600 a month rent to the council, and that's before you start looking at the family's disability needs.

That sounds unbelievably tough @TheSoapyFrog , and I really feel for you.

I have a friend who was in your position, although she also has a third child who is neurotypical. Both her ND children are now young adults living in supported accommodation, low level support for one and a much higher level of support for the other. The one with lower support needs is in employment too, doing something techie remotely from home.

Friend is now a support worker... for parents of ND children. I hope you manage to get some support.

I don’t live in a good area or have a good job. I live in a low income area, where sadly many people are addicted to drugs, you can buy most drugs within an hour or two.
WC families, offspring have been a big part of society since the beginning of time, who else’s kids are going to stack the shelves, empty the bins, wipe bums for minimum wage.
My post was in reaction to a statement that the wrong people are having too many children.
In fact most of the teenagers of parent who never worked around here, have a job , not a fancy nice job, but a job. These kids are a valuable part of society, lockdown proved that, those working class essential workers. Remember?