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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think as you get older being a bit fatter looks better?

133 replies

ywllowcomercio · 05/09/2026 18:48

Im 5’6, weighed between 7.5-8stone until I hit mid thirties. Now I’m 40, I think I look awful under 8.5 stone, and actively have to work to keep my weight up to avoid looking gaunt and older.
aibu to think being excessively thin makes you look old and haggard? Also I love having tits again 😂 never had any until I was pregnant the first time ha

OP posts:
Rainbowralph · 06/09/2026 10:50

Waitingfordoggo · 06/09/2026 10:20

Could you try building some more muscle @Rainbowralph? I know it’s harder for some people than others but might be worth trying some strength exercise if you don’t already.

Yes, trying to concentrate on strength training now. My mum is very frail and old for her years, she never did any kind of strength training and I want to avoid the same fate.

Ponoka7 · 06/09/2026 10:51

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice "Did the studies show what the extra weight does to the risk of diabetes, cardiovascular disease and cancer?"
Those are lifestyle risks, which don't necessarily go hand in hand with carrying extra weight. Or, because some women use cigarettes to cut appetite, or don't eat nutritionally well/still drink, don't exercise, even though they are slim, they aren't immune to those diseases. A few years ago it was cyclists filling the diabetes clinics, because they were filling up on potatoes. The studies were done from consultant specialists and too everything into account. The first section of what constitutes overweight, combined with a good lifestyle, is the best for aging, going to elderly women. There's more thin women getting DNRs put on them because their bones wouldn't recover from CPR, then weighter women. We need beans, chickpeas and lentils for heart health.

Missj25 · 06/09/2026 10:53

ywllowcomercio · 05/09/2026 18:48

Im 5’6, weighed between 7.5-8stone until I hit mid thirties. Now I’m 40, I think I look awful under 8.5 stone, and actively have to work to keep my weight up to avoid looking gaunt and older.
aibu to think being excessively thin makes you look old and haggard? Also I love having tits again 😂 never had any until I was pregnant the first time ha

I’m 50 , slim all my life , then few years back lost quite a bit of weight so was sickly skinny, took 2 years to get back to myself .
I looked gaunt & much older than what I do now .
I always thought I was 5/4 , discovered few months back , after being measured I’m actually 5/5 & just over 9 stone , Yeeeeeh me !!!!! 😂 .
Also on hrt , lenzetto spray & I’ve great boobs 😂

Flossybodsy · 06/09/2026 10:53

Ponoka7 · 06/09/2026 10:41

It's science backed that going through menopause and beyond it's better to be going into the overweight category, but be active. The nutrition we need is difficult to get, if we are calorie counting. It's always better to be as active and strong as you can be, size shouldn't be a guiding factor.

Yes I have heard this a fair bit! It does
make sense.

My aunt put on a fair bit of weight in her 50s and become significantly overweight after having been a bit too tiny her whole life
, but then she lost the weight by her 60s and stayed at around 9.5 stone at 5ft 4. I am
guessing her weight I don’t actually know it but she looks like that!

At whatever weight she was, it was a slim slender and toned build but thankfully she never went back to being skinny in her old age.

She does a lot of yard work in her late 80s and was still walking to the job she loved in her 70s, so I believe is quite strong.

Flossybodsy · 06/09/2026 11:01

BobMumBobIsMyDog · 06/09/2026 10:48

I'm very underweight with a bmi of 16 (due to illness, no ED), I look awful. I know i look far better when I have a healthy bmi.
Two 'friends' even called DH to say they were concerned about me, like I don't have a mirror.

ugh that sounds tough - are these “friends” aware that you are unwell?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/09/2026 11:52

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 06/09/2026 10:43

You don't have to choose one, you know. You can take steps to reduce your risk of all of them.

Staying fat is not the only way, or indeed the recommended way, to prevent osteoporosis.

Having osteoporosis (and previously osteomalacia and ostepenia) diagnosed by the age of 35 didn't protect my teeny tiny mother from diagnoses of diabetes, heart disease and cancer later in life. However, she'd already been in constant pain for decades by that point - and the delay caused whilst trying to get her potassium levels up high enough to resolve the cardiac arrhythmias meant the spinal surgery became a medical emergency.

Good on the Atkinson Morley for preventing her from becoming paraplegic, but she lost almost her entire adult life to pain, whereas had she actually eaten properly instead of making teeny tiny, I eat like a bird because I'm soooo tiny her entire identity, she might have had something resembling a life instead of one characterised by pain, painkiller dependence and then complaining that the diabetes medication made her fat.

Additup · 06/09/2026 15:43

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/09/2026 11:52

Having osteoporosis (and previously osteomalacia and ostepenia) diagnosed by the age of 35 didn't protect my teeny tiny mother from diagnoses of diabetes, heart disease and cancer later in life. However, she'd already been in constant pain for decades by that point - and the delay caused whilst trying to get her potassium levels up high enough to resolve the cardiac arrhythmias meant the spinal surgery became a medical emergency.

Good on the Atkinson Morley for preventing her from becoming paraplegic, but she lost almost her entire adult life to pain, whereas had she actually eaten properly instead of making teeny tiny, I eat like a bird because I'm soooo tiny her entire identity, she might have had something resembling a life instead of one characterised by pain, painkiller dependence and then complaining that the diabetes medication made her fat.

But your mum clearly had very disordered eating that impacted her health. That is no where near the same as being slim and healthy and eating a good balanced diet (which i assumed this thread was about).

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/09/2026 18:19

Additup · 06/09/2026 15:43

But your mum clearly had very disordered eating that impacted her health. That is no where near the same as being slim and healthy and eating a good balanced diet (which i assumed this thread was about).

Not particularly, I used to wear her old clothes when I was 15 and about 8 and a half stone (or in her words 'was absolutely huge'). The few photos that existed of her were of somebody who looked ordinary and, according to her, it wasn't as though she was five stone something like a 'proper slim person', she was 'just naturally little, I just can't eat loads like you, don't forget I'm only size 4 in shoes and my hands are tiny'.

What she did do to maintain her identity was avoid all fat - which included all full fat dairy, all oily fish, beef, lamb, dressings, sauces and if there was a way to water something down, she'd do it if she couldn't ensure it never entered the house in the first place. So it was the cutting out practically all sources of calcium and vitamin D with the intention of remaining the same size she was at 17 that knackered her bones in such a short time.

But at the time, you were recommended to have a low fat diet, so on paper, she appeared to eat fairly well with meals consisting of lean chicken or ham, boiled vegetables, lettuce, salad and the occasional slice of toast and potatoes on Sundays. It was a further flex (in her opinion) that we didn't have fruit either. Full of sugar, those things, and the bag of Tate and Lyle that turned into a solid lump over about a decade in the cupboard was proof of how virtuous she was.

She was always very eager to share her opinions about other women and children's sizes, though - and those opinions had a lot in common with modern narratives of 'gorging' and 'constantly eating' and 'people can't remember what children looked like 20 years ago'.

Idstillratherbepaddleboarding · 06/09/2026 18:26

I do have an eating disorder but I’m doing ok right now and even I can see I look a lot better. When I’m under 8’2, I get mistaken for a crack addict 😭 (relevant for my line of work).

Wildegeese · 06/09/2026 18:50

I think we tend to lose facial fat as we age, so weight loss can make the face look a bit gaunt/tired.

I can remember growing up people saying once you get to a certain age, you have to choose between your face or your bottom looking good.

Looking in the mirror, I'm losing both battles😂

Pumpkindice · 06/09/2026 18:55

When I was younger I was always disappointed about my lack of cheekbones, I wasn't blessed in the 'bone structure' department. On the plus side losing weight doesn't make my face look gaunt at all! It does all depend on the individual as to how you look at different sizes (unfortunately for me, if I add weight it all goes to my stomach so doesn't make me look particularly 'well' or youthful either!)

Additup · 06/09/2026 19:06

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/09/2026 18:19

Not particularly, I used to wear her old clothes when I was 15 and about 8 and a half stone (or in her words 'was absolutely huge'). The few photos that existed of her were of somebody who looked ordinary and, according to her, it wasn't as though she was five stone something like a 'proper slim person', she was 'just naturally little, I just can't eat loads like you, don't forget I'm only size 4 in shoes and my hands are tiny'.

What she did do to maintain her identity was avoid all fat - which included all full fat dairy, all oily fish, beef, lamb, dressings, sauces and if there was a way to water something down, she'd do it if she couldn't ensure it never entered the house in the first place. So it was the cutting out practically all sources of calcium and vitamin D with the intention of remaining the same size she was at 17 that knackered her bones in such a short time.

But at the time, you were recommended to have a low fat diet, so on paper, she appeared to eat fairly well with meals consisting of lean chicken or ham, boiled vegetables, lettuce, salad and the occasional slice of toast and potatoes on Sundays. It was a further flex (in her opinion) that we didn't have fruit either. Full of sugar, those things, and the bag of Tate and Lyle that turned into a solid lump over about a decade in the cupboard was proof of how virtuous she was.

She was always very eager to share her opinions about other women and children's sizes, though - and those opinions had a lot in common with modern narratives of 'gorging' and 'constantly eating' and 'people can't remember what children looked like 20 years ago'.

I don't understand how you think she didn't particularly have disordered eating. Everything you've written about her screams eating disorder imo.

Delatron · 06/09/2026 19:12

Legomania · 05/09/2026 21:59

Being underweight makes you look older from 20s up in my opinion.

I've (40+) recently unintentionally lost a few pounds (still within my BMI range but near the bottom), ironically as a result of hitting the gym to try to get a bit more muscle and it has definitely come off my face. I am considering trying to gain a bit back. On the plus side my body looks good!

Edited

Not when you’re in your 20s. I was skinny in my twenties without trying (I ate loads) but had quite a full face and looked young up until around 40.

From 40 onwards yes and now I’m 50 I have to be careful. It’s a fine balance but you definitely don’t want to be underweight at this age.

Delatron · 06/09/2026 19:13

But yes everyone loses volume in their face as they get older. And bone. Joy!

cupfinalchaos · 06/09/2026 19:14

Sparkletastic · 05/09/2026 19:00

Yup. ‘Face or figure’ my plump but gorgeous grandma used to say.

So true.

Pumpkindice · 06/09/2026 19:20

Delatron · 06/09/2026 19:12

Not when you’re in your 20s. I was skinny in my twenties without trying (I ate loads) but had quite a full face and looked young up until around 40.

From 40 onwards yes and now I’m 50 I have to be careful. It’s a fine balance but you definitely don’t want to be underweight at this age.

I agree, I was really skinny in my teens and twenties (small frame, but also worked long shifts on my feet all day and was poor!) It meant I looked young because I still had the frame of a teenager, it definitely wasn't ageing. I waited for the day that I'd look like a grown up, somehow I just seemed to shift to looking old, and skipping the attractive while still youthful stage. It was very disappointing!

Waitingfordoggo · 06/09/2026 21:56

I’ve gone for ‘arse’ in the face vs arse dilemma. Maintaining my physique is just a matter of eating wisely and putting the hours in with strength training, whereas I cannot get a plumper-looking face without surgery (if I gain weight it all just piles onto my waist and belly).

The bonus of maintaining a shapely arse is that it is actually useful because strong glutes are really important if you want to stay active and avoid back pain. Changing my face wouldn’t really be of any use or benefit my health in any way.

ywllowcomercio · 06/09/2026 22:02

Thank you to all that commented. One rather nasty comment accusing me of having an ed - I never had a typical ed but lived off coffee and cigarettes for a long time 😊

OP posts:
whythehellnow · 06/09/2026 22:06

Lololol ‘I didn’t have an ED but lived on coffee and cigs’

ywllowcomercio · 06/09/2026 22:07

whythehellnow · 06/09/2026 22:06

Lololol ‘I didn’t have an ED but lived on coffee and cigs’

Why are you so mean? Eating disorders are really serious and take lives, we don’t lol at them.

OP posts:
whythehellnow · 06/09/2026 22:09

Most women in the UK are overweight. Being thinner is HARD because you have to eat less than ‘the norm’. If you eat 3 ‘square meals’ a day plus healthy snacks, you will be overweight, you will be putting undue stress on your body. We live in an obesogenic environment.

being thin requires discipline- two light meals, super light snacks only. Prioritise protein and fibre and hydration.

dont shoot the messenger.

ywllowcomercio · 06/09/2026 22:11

whythehellnow · 06/09/2026 22:09

Most women in the UK are overweight. Being thinner is HARD because you have to eat less than ‘the norm’. If you eat 3 ‘square meals’ a day plus healthy snacks, you will be overweight, you will be putting undue stress on your body. We live in an obesogenic environment.

being thin requires discipline- two light meals, super light snacks only. Prioritise protein and fibre and hydration.

dont shoot the messenger.

So now you’re rewriting history and not laughing at eating disorders?! We all saw what you wrote. 🤮

OP posts:
whythehellnow · 06/09/2026 22:13

Looking back, do you accept that you had an eating disorder?

ywllowcomercio · 06/09/2026 22:13

whythehellnow · 06/09/2026 22:13

Looking back, do you accept that you had an eating disorder?

Looking back, do you accept you were really obnoxious and nasty, and there was really no need for it?

OP posts:
whythehellnow · 06/09/2026 22:15

Tbf it’s fairly hard to live in the UK as a woman and not have some level of disordered eating IMO. The accepted level of 3 square meals plus snacks is too much food for the typical female body/metabolism. But pushing back against it is a daily struggle and easily tips into overly controlled diet.

but coffee and cigs and your accusation that calling that disordered is nasty? I maintain my lol.