AIBU about MIL and her daily “help”?

[camomilacamilla]

I have a newborn DD. DH works a lot and unfortunately can’t help as much during the week. I understand this and don’t blame him, I stay at home and am grateful to him for providing. My parents live abroad, so MIL is the only family nearby.

MIL lives 40 minutes away and comes every day to help with DD. We have told her many times she doesn’t have to come every day and should only come when she wants to but she still comes every day and then complains about the journey, her legs hurting, how 40 minutes is difficult, etc. At the same time she says she has to come because she is the grandmother, needs to look after DD, wants DD to know her and wants DD to love her. I also get the feeling she comes because she thinks she would do a better job looking after DD than me as she has hinted to this a few times (I’m dressing her too cold, hold her like this not that, don’t put her like this)

She also doesn’t like the name we chose for DD and has made comments about it.

I am grateful for her help, especially because DH works a lot and my parents are abroad. But I have told her many times she doesn’t have to come every day. If she chooses to make the 40 minute journey every day because she feels she has to, why am I then made to feel guilty about how difficult it is for her? I would honestly rather have less help than feel like I am constantly indebted to her.

Change the locks.

Can’t you (or DH) tell her not to come. Do you not take baby out? I wouldn’t always have been in if a GP just turned up when DC were babies

This is utter insanity. Tell her very firmly not to come. Next time she arrives - be out or don’t answer the door. If she complains say ‘ we told you to stop coming every day’. Your DH needs to have strong words.

Be busy, go out shopping, for long walks, see friends, find a playgroup. Don't be available for the "help"

You choose to feel guilty - when you realise that your response is yours to choose, it is very freeing.

She arrives 8-8:30am and knocks. I’m not usually out at this time but I guess she’d wait / message me, and then I feel guilty saying that she isn’t allowed to come in if she’s there. All I mean is that she doesn’t need to come. And if she’s coming why complain to me about the journey she chose to make.

Work out a timetable with MIL. Invite her to come certain days and explain that you will be out/have other plans on the other days (baby yoga? etc).
Then you can plan too. You'll know that MIL is coming on e.g. Tuesday/Thursday. You could book the hairdresser or the dentist or coffee with friends? And MIL could pace her moaning.
ETA
Tell her that if she came on Tues/Thurs, 'It would be a huge help'

Stop having her in daily. She feels entitled to parent over you and the remarks need to stop. Ask your husband to say something to her about that. You're going to end up resentful and disliking her.

She parented decades ago. Times change. You do things with your baby your way.

And grey rock her as to your plans. Don't give specific info, she'll want to join up.

Don’t say ‘you don’t have to come’ that’s too ambiguous. You say ‘please don’t come around this week we are busy. I’ll let you know when works’.

Then be out at 8am if she persists.

You have to tell her it's not working for you or her to come every day as every day she complains about the journey and you want to have some 1-1 time with DD and take her out more. Tell her when she can come (one day a week?) you have to set some boundaries. Daily visits are ridiculous especially as they are moany visits

Start saying you’re going out. Don’t you do mum and baby groups?

jesus this is utterly suffocating. Tell you DH to put her back in her place. I couldn’t think of anything worse than been on mat leave and having anyone let alone MIL turn up daily on my doorstep. Binning the bus now. This is no life for anyone let alone a new mum navigating parenthood

Ok so just be straight with her
"mil, I like you coming over, but it makes me feel bad when you complain about it being too much. I can't carry on feeling upset by this, so let's find a middle ground that works better."

Okay I will take this on board.
I always felt rude to say “no, you can’t come in” once she is here because she’s made the journey. It’s made harder by me being from another country and culture where saying “no” to elders is out of the question especially family helping.

Say we are busy for the next few days I’ll let you know when we’re here for visitors. And mean it.

You need to actually put your foot down now. This is your baby, not hers. You need your one routine, your own time, your own activities. Your own decisions.

Tell her firmly to stop coming and arrange a once a week visit. Talk to your husband right now and tell him to call his mum and tell her that you are busy for the next week and will all make time to see her next Sunday.

If I do a mum and baby group, she will say “ok I’ll stay home and make lunch” or do the dishes or sort laundry in the nursery. But the way she says it is almost criticising “I’ll cook the dinner because I can imagine you’ll just throw something together one handed otherwise, and [her son / my DH] needs a proper meal after a full day at work”

Ask her nicely to come every other day then ! I understand that she wants to feel needed, even wanted but everyday is possibly a bit too much for her and you . I remember when my gs was born I loved being with him and even better to feel as if I was useful . I know my lovely DIL was so grateful for the help, she has told me it helped with the recovery . I would have wanted her to tell me if she found the help too intrusive so maybe your MIL would too .

I don't know about telling her it would be a huge help. How about saying she would be welcome to come if she would like to on xxxday and xxxday, bit that you need to do other things the rest of the time? Maybe that depends on how reliant you'll be on her for childcare on future.

What she's saying regarding pain and difficulty but wanting to have a relationship is quite likely true, and it's good that she still wants to do it anyway, but tell her it's distressing you hearing this, so can she come fewer days? That way she still gets a relationship, but it's easier on everyone.
Also try to encourage her to talk about herself, as that will build the relationship between you and hopefully end the way you feel judged. She almost certainly isn't, but like you, has an instinct to protect the baby, and the way things are done has changed.

I would feel suffocated by this. She's undermining you rather than helping. I'd be wondering what has been said to her that she thinks she needs to be there every day. Heck, she commutes more than a lot of workers!

She’s probably just making conversation. I think it’s nice she wants the baby to know her and love her, and vice versa. Many GPs couldn’t give two hoots about that. So you’re fortunate.

However, everyday would drive me insane. You need the quiet time to bond with your child, and learn to look after your child on your own and do things your own way.

I’d gently tell her that you’re happy she wants to spend so much time with her GC and that you’re truly happy with all her support but could she come over for just 3 days a week so that you get time alone with the baby and get used to motherhood, and she gets a well-earned rest too.

Your MIL's 'help' is actually a hindrance. You don't need her help and she is critical about your mothering skills. She sounds pretty over-bearing and she'd be really getting on my nerves if she was there every single day.

You may need to be honest and tell her that you don't want her to come every day. Would your DH tell his mother not to come?

Seriously, y'all, it's all about the spin factor and positive influences!

@BitterTits, you tell her she'll be a 'huge help' to sweeten the pot. The idea is to flatter her into coming but ... only on the days you choose. Most Brits I know absolutely cannot resist being 'useful'.

In reality, since from OP's post the MIL is not a danger, you plan to leave MIL looking after baby whilst you do something else (e.g. hairdresser, river walk/gym session or just a hands-free mooch around the shops) . That way you don't have to hear the parenting advice.

If you're really bold, you get her batch cooking whilst you go out ...
(DH just loves your cottage pie, MIL ...)

I feel for you - I personally would not turn her away at the door but I would get your husband to tell her she is not allowed to come without agreeing it via him first. Tell him it’s is too difficult to deal with MIL and the new baby - you can’t nap when baby naps etc. but get him to tell her and make sure the arrangement are made via him. He can also message her the night before and say don’t come in the morning as you will be out and don’t know what time you are back. Good luck