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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be totally fuming with inlaws. I'm being made to feel totally in the wrong here!!!

41 replies

AnAngelWithin · 28/06/2008 10:01

we live about a 20 minute walk from the inlaws. Yet they don't see their grandkids very often. Anyway, last weekend before last, they looked after all 4 of them for us on sunday afternoon while me and DH went to the cinema. Of course they returned totally hpyed up! Anyway, fast forward to last night and ds1 (age 9) said that FIL let him ride his bike (quite a big bike. he's only recently had it and still not too confident on it) down the road to their allotment. (takes about 10 minutes to walk so not that far) BUT WITHOUT HIS HELMET ON!! The road changes from a 40mph to 60mph half way down. DH thinks its no big deal but i am totally fuming. DH knew about this but didn't tell me. Obviously did the 'don't tell your mother otherwise you will get into trouble' thing. Not only that, but now DH has gone to work this morning, ds1 has said that he did actually fall off his bike that day!! These are the same grandparents who thought it would be ok to take the kids out in the car with no car seat, just sat on cushions off the sofa!!! But DH is trying to make me feel like I am totally in the wrong here but I don't think I am. I have got to see the inlaws today and I really don't want to. Its making me feel sick that I've got to have it out with them without DH to back me up. Not that he will cos he thinks that nothing was wrong.

OP posts:

TheChicken · 28/06/2008 10:03

you give the kdis to them

you take pot luck
if oyu dont trust em dont send em

TheChicken · 28/06/2008 10:03

you give the kdis to them

you take pot luck
if oyu dont trust em dont send em

Kimi · 28/06/2008 10:11

I think you need to make it clear that the safety of your children is the one thing you will now allow to be undermined, ALL bike riders SHOULD ALWAYS have a helmet on.

Your in laws are being stupid and your DH is being a wimp,

Did your child have a helmet with him? If so why did he not say he had to have it on?

katpotat · 28/06/2008 10:13

I would be fuming too, I think you should say to them that in future he should always have his helmet on....as for the car seats my inlaws have said on lots of occasions " it's just a short trip, put her on your knee" This gets me sooo angry. Not only is it dangerous but illegal too.
Try and stay calm though

themildmanneredjanitor · 28/06/2008 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

windygalestoday · 28/06/2008 10:14

they are not right but its to do with age and not understanding todays quench for safety- years ago children just got on with it there were no safety helmets,booster seats (sometimes not even seat belts) children rarely visited the doctor they ate food that was fresh from the ground and nobody had heard of sell by dates,my own children who i absolutely adore do not wear bike helmets if they can get away with it, I am neurotic about roads-dh is older and more relaxed and well ermmm grandad is deaf so you can do what you want so long as you ask in a quiet voice.

the issue here is that your dh knew what had happened and chose not to tell you -that is wrong but how many times have you not told him stuff-you need to thrash it out by talking and tell him you felt 'ganged up'on my dh didnt tell me when ds1 opened the passenger door on his HGV on the motorway .

Dont fall out with your inlaws families need grandparents approach this hands on when you leave the kids leave their booster seats take their bies AND helmets remind the children in front of the grandparents how important it is that they wear the helmets.

then thank the grandparents for having them and that the children enjoy visiting-you catch more flies with honey than vinegar .

piratecat · 28/06/2008 10:17

i thought you meant a motorbike.

I think you have to concentrate on the fact that nothing did happen. It prob never crossed thier minds about the helmet, it is very much a recent thing isn't it.

Just let it go, and say to your ds that next time he must say to gp's that he is supposed to wear one.

cupsoftea · 28/06/2008 10:17

Tell your in laws that your ds has to wear a helmet. Give them car seats for your kids. Put in writing for them so they can't say they didn't know or understand. If they want their grandkids to visit these are the terms. Your dh wont back you but your kids are yours as well and what you want is the safety of your children. If your in laws can't do this then your kids shouldn't go to their house.

Denny185 · 28/06/2008 10:19

Bike helmets and car seats are saftety equipment of our generation they wern't available when most of our parents had their children. They probably wouldn't even think of using a helmet. Think you need to discuss future bike trips not only with inlaws but your DC re saftey etc.

cupsoftea · 28/06/2008 10:19

can't agree with the good old days attitude of some posters. Older people do know about car seats as they know to do up their own seat belt. It comes down imho to being bothered to do an extra task.

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 28/06/2008 10:20

tmmj, precious??? im sure you wouldnt say tht if your child fell off and got killed but could have been saved by a helmet!! yes he fell off....ONTO A 60PMH ROAD!!!!

I just thought FIL might have a bit more sense than to let him ride on such a dangerous road in the first place let alone without a helmet! He had his helmet there but FIL said he wouldnt need it

I'm not going to fall out with them WGT. I have left soare car seat at their house as well so now they have no excuse.

I just think that if i was looking after someone elses childen, I would put safety first. Why couldnt they??

OP posts:

cheshirekitty · 28/06/2008 10:23

Please, please, please to all mums here. Get your kids a helmet and make them wear it.

If you had ever nursed a kiddie or adult with serious head injuries caused by a collision of car/bike and the bike riding person was not wearing a helmet you would know what I mean.

If Australia has a law that says you must wear a helmet, why haven't we?

BellaLasagne · 28/06/2008 10:23

I agree with windygales. My ILs did the 'no seat belts, we'll put 4 grandchildren in the back of the car and pop out' thing a couple of times, which horrified me, until DH pointed out that it's a generation thing.

The difference is, he did have a quiet word with them, they didn't actually realise it was illegal!! They started driving in the 50's when you just piled in the car and there were no seatbelts, and, sadly, their attitudes to most things are still stuck in the 50's.

I then did exactly as windygales, even to the extent of offering to fit the seat into their car when I dropped DCs off, and this worked - they never did it again.

themildmanneredjanitor · 28/06/2008 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Love2bake · 28/06/2008 10:27

I think if you are dropping him off with a bike, you need to make it clear that if he rides it, he needs the helmet on.

Also as the child is 9, he should know that he needs the helmet.

cupsoftea · 28/06/2008 10:27

but he's only 9 & when the person in charge says you don't need the helmet it's not his fault he doesn't argue back.

milknosugar · 28/06/2008 10:29

yabu. tbh i dont see any difference between a booster seat and cushions. all boosters do is lift them up so the seatbelt fits isnt it? i agree it was a bit daft to take him on a 60mph road but if he had been hit by a car a helmet wouldnt have been much protection, i guess the hit by a car thing is what you are more worried about? but then you could argue that they might fall over when crossing the road so maybe they should stay in the house. why dont you take a bag of cotton wool and write out some instructions how to wrap them up in it, that would help

themildmanneredjanitor · 28/06/2008 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Love2bake · 28/06/2008 10:30

I don't think the IL's said you dont need it, sounds like they just forgot.

FruitfulOfFruit · 28/06/2008 10:30

I agree that the main issue is with your dh. Your kids are not going to wear their helments when you are not looking, if your dh is giving them the message that it is ok not to.

With the ILs - insist, laughingly. Say you're sure your kids will insist on safety rules with their grandchildren that you can't even imagine, now.

BetteNoire · 28/06/2008 10:33

Your DH needs to grow a pair, and tell his parents that the safety of your children is not negotiable.

The cushions in the car would annoy me most. Just because that sort of thing was acceptable when the PILs were parents, doesn't mean that it is safe now.

Cars are faster, heavier and bigger.

Did you leave the booster seats and car seats at their house for them to use?

Did you leave the bike helmet too?

I think they sound like good grandparents, in that they engage with the children when they are there.

Your DH needs to clarify the safety issues though.

I think you should keep out of it, as you'll only get cast in the role of nagging DIL, which is unfair, and lessens the impact of the conversation.

cupsoftea · 28/06/2008 10:34

mnsugar - the car booster seats have a place to secure the seat belt & cushions don't have this. Also the car seat would maintain it's form in a crash & keep the child & the seat belt in place & cushion couldn't do this.

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 28/06/2008 10:35

yes tmmj i would be this angry if it was my parents. its safety at the end of the day. milknosugar, a cusion is no good though with a 6 month old baby though is it??? love2bake yes FIL said he wouldnt need it. he had it there but FIL didnt make him wear it.

I have told ds1 that if he goes on the road on his bike, he wears a helmet. If I find out that he has gone without it, he won't be going out on his bike again, and i am going to tell the inlaws that if they go against my wishes again then they wiull not be looking after the kids again.

OP posts:

Mummyandi · 28/06/2008 10:36

You need to sort your DH out and make him back you up. I don't think you are being unreasonable but I do understand the comments from others that it is a generation thing. My MIL annoys me in the car by just pulling a seatbelt across her and not fastening it. I always ask her to and she does though.

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 28/06/2008 10:37

bettenoir yes we left the car seats there. we have even been and bought spare ones to keep at their house permenantly. yes he had his helmet there. they only see the grandchildren when it suits them.

OP posts:

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