Husband giving coins/roses to female content creators on Tik Tok

[Backfromthebrink]

So I need opinions on something I (F 44) found by accident to get some perspective and general consensus.

So DH (55) asked for some help on his account on Tik Tok so I had his phone which was logged into his account. I wasn’t snooping - I was trying to figure out something to do with editing his account.

Flicking between pages, I noticed he had a coins balance so I clicked on it and saw he had purchased 350 coins with a balance of 44 remaining. I have since figured out he bought a package of 350 coins which come with some free roses - which are apparently digital gifts for online content creators.

Looking at his spending history, I then spotted that he had given coins/roses to female content creators - these were attractive young women whose posts involved posing in revealing clothing and swimwear. Admittedly he had also spent coins on creators posting content connected to his hobbies which are run of the mill.

I was really upset after seeing this and want to see how many others would also feel this way or if this is quite normal and I am being completely unreasonable. I didn’t even know about coins/roses etc. before I found them on his account so I’m prepared to be told this is normal.

So what’s the feeling amongst the wise Mumsnet community?

It’s incredibly creepy and I would be very unhappy.

And the thought of any man giving virtual gifts on TikTok to scantily clad younger ladies just gives me the ick full stop.

Ugh.

A 55 year old man with TikTok? That's all I needed to hear. Get rid.

Thanks for all your messages.
as an update, I’ve asked him about it and he denied sending the coins/roses to women. He said he bought the coin bundle for his hobby.

I told him what I saw and asked him to bring up his spend history so I could show him and I was happy to be proved wrong. He refused point blank to show me. So I said he’s obviously lying and we both know what’s on that spend history. He continued to deny and told me I was controlling.

My parting shot was either he shows me the spend history and we discuss what’s on it (good or bad) as adults or we’re over as I won’t accept this behavior and to add insult to injury, I won’t be lied to and gaslit that I’ve imagined the whole thing and I’m in the wrong for wanting answers.

Yes, that seems to be the line they all trot out… that you’re ‘controlling’.

He’s a liar. And trash.

Missing the point, but a fraction of a PENNY? What's the point? 🤯
Sorry you're going through this OP. Well done for confronting him. So disappointing that he's decided to dig his heels in rather than have an actual productive conversation 🙄

Thanks Linda. We’ve had previous conversations about social media and the boundaries are clear. I just thought that the only issue was “likes” and “comments” which he doesn’t do. I wasn’t even aware of the whole coins and gifts thing and I think he’s taken advantage of my ignorance.
Sometimes you get so caught up in your own head that you need the perspective of strangers to confirm that what upsets you is normal or if most men do this and their partners don’t give a toss and I am crazy.

So what did he decide? Show you or split-up?

Good for you for trying to talk to him adult to adult about this. His reaction was quite sickening actually: accusing you of being controlling just because he knew he had been found out.
The fact he lied to you to your face is very concerning because there is no way he can regain your trust if he would rather lie than have a proper conversation with you. It also must make you wonder if there is more to this than what you already know.

Stand your ground over this OP.

Grim and creepy but I actually can't get past the idea of a 55 year old man buying coin tokens on Tik Tok. I don't even know what that is TBH. He needs to grow the fuck up. This would give me serious ick even before you get into the fact he's giving coins/roses to young women on the site.

Thank you. I intend to stand my ground.
I don’t know where this will head now to be honest. I’m in bed and he’s on the sofa. That spend history will be condemning or he’d just have shown me and probably taken some pleasure in proving me wrong which obviously I’d prefer. But now he’s dug his heels in, either he’ll have to show me and confess or I’ve got to follow through with the separation. It’s a shit situation but really appreciate the kind words of strangers right now.

@Backfromthebrink I’m so sorry that was his response. Sadly it was utterly predictable, for some unfathomable reason they think accusing you of being controlling and refusing is a sensible solution to being caught out and now lying about it. Stand firm, don’t let him gaslight you or minimise this behaviour. My advice would be remain calm, collected but resolute. He has behaved appallingly and needs to own this.

Urgh. A 55 yo man on TT is off putting enough (surely there are other sources of information for his hobby fgs) but to be sending these things to ‘tip’ them is just gross.
i don’t have TT so don’t know how the roses and things work, the whole thing just sounds absolutely grim.
Sorry op, he sounds like he made some stupid choices and is now further ruining things.

Quite juvenile and desperate behaviour. He sees women as objects - that alone would give me the ick. I want to be married to a grown up, not a teenage Tik Tok wanker with his tongue hanging out. Lying and calling you ‘controlling’ would add insult to injury.

I’d cut him free to wank away to his heart’s content.

Coins/roses? They aren't real. Somehow a 55 yr old believes they are? He doesn't really, just wants to be a sugar daddy but prob can't afford it or the divorce. Always with the controlling speech when caught out. Leave him to the internet and his ogling. It won't get better

Your middle aged husband is attracted to young women in skimpy clothes. I'm sure he's not exceptional in that. However rather than keeping that in the privacy of his own mind, he has discovered a way to indulge it. Left alone he will probably escalate or at least continue, so you need to have a conversation.
Tell him when fantasies start involving interactions with real people a line is crossed and you don't want to be in a marriage to a man who crosses this one.

Never even knew this existed until reading this!

So he is paying tokens for his hobbies which includes watching scantily dressed young women. The tokens get him 'extra access' so that he can perv more. He is probably having a wank while doing this. He is not doing it for artistic reasons!

It's a bit tawdry. He should have shown you his spend history. The lying is just as bad as the perving on young women.