AIBU to expect DH to come to bed at a reasonable time?

[OldSchoolCasualty]

Am I being unreasonable to expect DH to go to bed at a reasonable time?
I'm not talking 9 o clock, when I go up to get ready for bed, I like to relax and do some puzzles and read a book before I go to sleep so I might still be up until 11 if it's a particularly good read!
But I'll wake up at 2/3 o clock in the morning and he's still not in bed. He doesn't work nights, he has to get up in the morning just like everybody else.
He says he accidentally falls asleep on the sofa. If you're falling asleep on the sofa you're obviously tired?
Am I being ridiculous even asking him to come to bed at a decent time (how are we supposed to be intimate if he won't come to bed??)
We had a chat about it the other day and he said he would come to bed earlier, but this hasn't happened? I'm not asking every night for him to come to bed at a decent hour and I wake up constantly and he's not there.
AIBU? do you and your other half go to bed at the same time together?

Hes an adult.
You're not his mum.
Why are you trying to control his behaviour?

Let him go to bed whatever time he wants if youre not being disturbed.

Its his decision, and he is the one impacted the following day. Tired or in pain from sleeping on the sofa. Its on him. Decisions have ramifications. Let him make his decision, and live the ramifications (if there are any).

I would find this annoying too. V self centred

You say him not coming to bed is affecting initimacy (naturally). What does he have to say about that? Is he not interested in sex or cuddles? Occasionally falling asleep on the couch is one thing but doing it every night is unnecessary. Is he actually watching tv till late or is asleep and doesn't realise? Have you tried asking him to join you around 10.30/11? So if he is sleepy, he can just come to bed. Maybe you both could compromise and schedule certain nights for you as a couple.

Yep. OP isn’t his mother who can set a bedtime.

Who is to say he isn’t annoyed she goes off to bed really early? My husband and I have completely different sleep schedules. I’d be horrified if he tried to tell me I had to go to bed when he does.

Isn’t the OP being self centred also?

YABU I go to bed hours before DH. I like to read in bed. He is a night owl and goes to bed to sleep. He gets alone time after I go to bed and I get alone time before he gets up.

Intimacy doesn’t have to be at bedtime.

I am like your DH, OP. (I'm female).
Not sure why I do this but if I go to bed at a reasonable, "normal" hour I tend not to be able to sleep....however I tend to nod off more easily in front of the TV on the sofa (bad habit?) and then end up waking up at 2 or 3am.... and then going upstairs to bed. Dh doesn't want a TV in the bedroom (understandable), otherwise Id watch TV in bed but it wouldn't be fair to disturb him if he doesn't want it on. It might also be due to the fact that I like to wind down alone..??

Why is he self centred and the OP not?

He’s an adult, he doesn’t need anyone to tell him when to go to bed.

how are we supposed to be intimate if he won't come to bed??

You do realise there’s no law that says you can only have sex if it’s in bed and at night?

I also suspect that he doesn’t feel like he’s being invited to shag you if you’re sitting there in bed at 9pm ‘doing puzzles’ for two hours. Frankly, if my boyfriend went up to bed at 9pm with a sudoku book, my fanny would snap shut like a clam.

My husband does the exact same and I hate it

It's up to him. He isn't disturbing you, leave him sleep where and when he wants.

I think he is probably watching porn downstairs op

My partner and I have been together for almost ten years and we rarely go to bed at the same time.

Monday to Friday he goes to bed much earlier than I do because he has to be up at 4am. Then at weekends it’s usually the other way round and I’ll go to bed before him because he likes staying up later, chilling out and going on his Xbox or whatever.

It’s honestly never been an issue in our relationship, and it’s never interfered with intimacy either. There are plenty of hours in the day to have sex, be affectionate or spend time together. Going to bed at exactly the same time isn’t the only opportunity for intimacy.

I wouldn’t ask or expect him to come to bed earlier just because I was going to bed. He’s a grown adult and if he wants to stay up late, that’s completely up to him.

Agreed. It’s not about control or ‘making him go to bed at a certain time’ as people say here.
its far broader than that and to suggest otherwise is reductive and unkind to the op who is clearly unhappy with this arrangement and has raised it with her husband.

it’s about intimacy. If he doesn’t come to bed he needs to make an effort to help ensure intimacy can happen at other times.
if he’s not making any effort towards this then there is something else wrong

He's the one affecting her sleep

I think YABU.

He could easily post the same sort of thing with expectations you go to bed later. How would you respond?