To think he’s mad for saying this? Or is it me?

[Chabgeu]

I genuinely am at my wits end. And I’m prepare to be told I’m the unreasonable one. Me and ex don’t have a great relationship though we try to get along for ds. He sees ds fortnightly for a night, he doesn’t want more time. Not sure why. He doesn’t have other dc but has always been quite self involved.

Ds birthday is coming up and I asked him what he thought might be good to do (ds will be 6). As is usual, he didn’t offer any suggestions so I eventually asked him to keep a weekend free coming up. He agreed to this but then about five days later I realised it was half term and a few of DS’s friends wouldn’t be around as they’re on holiday. I told ex and suggested a different weekend, to which he said ‘why should I organise my shifts around people’s holidays.’ And ‘it’s clear I’m not the priority as to who is there, it’s about his friends’ availability not mine.’

I reminded him that this is several weeks away and im sure his work won’t mind if he requests this time off given it’s over 7 weeks away. He said I was being demanding and want things my own way. I explained this was for ds and nothing to do with my wants and needs and reminded him that I had done all the legwork in making enquiries as to venue and sorting invites and I will be doing party bags etc, meanwhile he doesn’t do anything so the least he could do is not give me a hard time about changing the weekend.

AIBU? I’m exhausted and feel like I can never win with him. I’d prefer people to be blunt though (hence posting in AIBU), if I’m the issue then I need to know. I’m trying my best for ds but don’t know if I’m too much or too demanding… I don’t know.

@Duckyfondant as in I want him back in our lives?

As in you're holding on the the family unit, rather than adapting to co-parenting. Inviting the ex is a nice gesture. Arranging things around his availability is a bit above and beyond, and he doesn't even sound grateful

It sounds like you're trying to protect your son from the fact that his father is a shit dad that doesn't really care that much

He is going to repeatedly disappoint your son his entire life

If you just let the chips fall where they are, yes your son will be sad and disappointed but he won't have the false hope anymore of his shit father stepping up and caring

@Duckyfondant yes I try and keep some form of unit for ds. I guess I’ve not arranged it around ex which is why he’s annoyed

Good luck ❤
With my kids I try and promote Christmas and birthdays as a ‘collection of events’, rather than pressure all on one event. So for your son you could show excitement for the three amazing birthday events - the party with friends, his time with you and his time with his Dad.

@Pumpup thank you this is so so helpful!!!

He’s a selfish prick!

I agree it’s not age-appropriate. It’s not entirely clear whether your ex isn’t actually coming or if he’s just having a massive moan but if he doesn’t come you can just say it wasn’t possible to find a date that suited his friends and his dad, so his dad is going to do something fun with him another time.

As the years go on, sadly your son will notice of his own accord that dad isn’t great at showing up, and you can be more direct in just saying gently that you gave his dad plenty of notice for the event and if your son expresses disappointment then just sympathize and say you know he wishes his dad would be there too.

He may not actually care that much eventually. My kids have recognised that dad tends to just make an appearance at parties, and also that is how he tends to show up in life in general (unless it’s all about him).

Have two celebrations- one for friends and one for family

You’ve tried being civil and the ex isn’t interested. I’d go ahead with your plans in future and just send him an invite like everyone else (if you want to be the bigger person) and then if he can make it he can and if he can’t he can’t. DS will realise sooner or later his dad’s a useless fecker anyway!