DD wants to take a gap year - advise against or support?

[CrlmsonLeaf]

I have my ds (18) and dd (18)

My ds has struggled with his mental health ever since he was a teen. Things escalated after he was sexually assaulted by a boy from his college and nothing was done he was made out to be a liar. The police report went nowhere because no evidence. He has a diagnosis BPD also known as EUPD

He got sectioned May-August last year and he was sectioned again October-June this year and honestly they added much more trauma he isn't the same person he was, the 2nd section he developed pyschosis so he was on loads of meds. He was still self harming by hitting his head on a wall, he refused to let me visit him most of the time because he blamed me for everything. he was put on a 1:1 at all times. It was a nightmare. He was finally discharged in June and things were going well until he got unwell likely due to the heat and kept throwing up. When he got better he said he had been poisoned, he refused to eat and take his meds because they were poisoned in his head and that’s why he was unwell

He was sectioned again last month and he’s at a different hospital and he blames me and says it’s worse and I know how bad things where, at the start of the first section he was 16 so he was at a children’s inpatient hospital but this is an adult one now and they are treating him differently. He was being sick daily and they said it’s a behaviour but it turned out it was one of the tablets they were giving him making him sick

He was refusing me to visit him, when i tried he got super distressed and shouting at me etc so i stopped as it wasn’t worth it. DD visited him today and she has said she’s not seen him that bad, she’s visited him during his other sections but she said he’s usually a bit more himself by now but he wasn’t.

She said he was happy with her but there but he just seemed out of it and had his head down on the table and when DD went to tell them he didn’t feel very well they said they’d already checked him over and seemed really dismissive, he ended up throwing up again and she said they just seemed annoyed with him

She said he seemed a bit better after but he then got upset and begged her not to leave him when she had to go and he said “leave me then just like you always do”

DD is worried about him and has said she’s usually feels he’s safe when he’s in hospital but this time she doesn’t and she’s talking about taking a gap year

Would you advise her against this? Or support?

I’d advise her to have a gap year if she’s going to do something to benefit HER e.g travel or work and get some life experience. If she’s doing it purely to babysit her sick brother then no, she shouldn’t do this. She’s 18 and needs to be a bit selfish for her own sake.

All I can say / add is I have years of experience with someone close with BPD. It's hard. I think it must be even harder when the sufferer is young and when it's your child. Do you have a carer support worker and / or go to a support group for carers & parents?

I've been through many many years living through BPD. As your son matures & has insight hopefully he can find the right counselling and support and develop the emotional skills that he needs.

On from this it's difficult for you & your daughter because your son will lash out and threaten / emotionally manipulate as that's all his brain knows. I only know my own situation, but it was only when I stood back and put in boundaries and resisted the manipulative behaviour that things improved. Is there anything that your son is invested or interested in?

I’d ask her questions to find out exactly what she sees being different in a year.

Your ds is obviously extremely unwell . Clearly you hope he’ll get better hit what if this time next what he’s under section still or again?

I think if she wants to travel and I wind after dealing with this I’d encourage it.

But otherwise I’d encourage her to go to uni. Remind her how much more breaks they can get and so she can home for long words to see her brother.

Look after yourself too. I’m sorry your family have been put through this. Your poor ds being assaulted.

He isn't interested in much anymore, when he was discharged last time he had totally changed and he sort of wouldn't do anything that we weren't telling him to do it was like he needed permission to do anything bar go to the toilet. I was told it was normal as he had been in hospital for a very long time but he'd get used to it except he's sectioned again now and I worry he's going to be even worse when he's discharged again

This is the first time dd has mentioned taking a gap year and I worry shell end up resenting him in the future