AIBU to feel overwhelmed as a SAHM and carer?

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

As a SAHM and carer for DS I do pretty much everything around the house. I don't enjoy it and would love more help but I guess it's the deal of being at home. This summer has really taken it's toll on me. I've got a constant headache, I feel tired all the time. I've pushed through because what else can I do?
But I can't do it today. I'm sitting here knowing DSs room needs cleaning, his sheets need washing, the dishes need doing and food needs to be brought but I can not do it. I can not get up and do it. DS keeps on pulling my arm and climbing on me because I've usually taken him out by now (he's non verbal) but I just can't.This tiredness is killing me.
The worst thing is I know DH will come home and have a go at me because nothing has been done. There's no point asking him to do anything because he will just say it's your job. I asked if he could pick up a few bits from the shops after work and got told no.
I'm just so tired and need some motivation or advice on how to get through the next two weeks? How do you force yourself when your head is ready to explode?

Oh I'm so sorry op.

I understand I am absolutely exhausted caring for my 3 a mix of additional needs. But the difference is my husband comes in from work tucks me up in bed with snacks and takes over. We both agreed over the 6 weeks the house will be a lower priority because its all about survival.

Would your husband go to counselling with you? Or individual counselling for him? He isn't being a partner to you at all. You should both be a team. And failing that a life without "being told off" because you're exhausted (it's fine to leave things sometimes) is far better than a life with him. I appreciate its not easy to leave etc but long term if he won't change then you would be better off without him.

No point in asking about coucelling as he doesn't see a problem. He says he goes to work and he does do the garden and take DS out on a Saturday for an hour but I just don't think he gets it.
I told him on Monday I'm at the end of my tether and cracking up and he just said okay we'll have an early night. It's not enough though. I texted him, told him I was feeling rubbish and he said just get up and move around you'll feel better. It's like talking to a brick wall.
I don't want to make him sound horrible but it's like he offers me something nice like taking me out somewhere (if we can get a sitter) which is nice but I'd rather have his support daily. Your husband sounds so supportive.

Do you have any social care support? I have two DS with learning disabilities and without some holiday support I would go nuts. If he has an EHCP you can asked for a social care assessment with your disabled children’s social work team.

No we don't get anything. Despite the fact DS has an EHCP and 1:1' at school (and reduced hours) we aren't entitled to anything in the holidays. I have requested an assessment, spoken to SS but they say his needs are not severe enough and told me to do a parenting course.I would love them to spend one day with DS and then tell me we don't need support.

Your OH said no to picking up a few bits on the way home? OMG, mine would go out at midnight if I needed something. You’ve chosen badly I’m afraid. Get rid and go joint custody, you’ll then get your much needed breaks too.

When children’s services refused to provide support, did you challenge the decision? Did they refuse to assess (both a carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DS’s needs) or assess, but refuse support?

Have you looked at your local short breaks offer? There may not be anything suitable, but it is worth checking.

Why is DS on reduced hours at school? Is alternative provision being made? Have you requested an early review?

You do know she may be worse off, you can’t force someone to take joint custody. If he’s already hands off, OP may find herself in a tighter financial situation and at best he will see the child once a week on Saturday afternoon.

I was in your situation with an extremely unsupportive "partner". He behaved exactly as you have described. I also have some health problems and the tiredness crippled me. We eventually split - he also displayed some other rather lovely behaviours - and despite it all being on me, it is surprisingly much easier without someone constantly putting me down. There is an element of relief when someone who is so utterly deliberately negative is banished from day-to-day life in the household. I know the children would have been picking up on things whilst we were together. I would definitely try and appeal the social work decision as they should agree to do a disabled assessment as other posters have mentioned. It is extremely hard caring for disabled children and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please keep in mind that you are human. You cannot do everything. You deserve to be supported and not put down the way in which you are. Asking your partner to grab something from the shop is not a big deal. It is all part of daily living. I used to dread having to ask my ex to grab something as he used to make such an enormous deal out of it and eventually turned rather nasty whenever he was asked. You need some time for you. Even if it is a little chunk of time to become engrossed in a good book as an escape. Little things that help to create joy for you are essential as nobody can continue to care when they are beyond empty. Thinking of you and there are many others out there in a similar situation to you. (Just incase you're feeling alone)

But I can't do it today. I'm sitting here knowing DSs room needs cleaning, his sheets need washing, the dishes need doing and food needs to be brought but I can not do it
To be fair OP, these are all things you would still need to do even if you worked.

What is it that means you are exhausted? Is it your child's behaviour? In what way? Having a day doing only absolute minimum is absolutely fine and normal. If you feel like this most days though you do need to analyse the situation and understand why.

If I could work I wouldn't be overwhelmed with being a carer, because he wouldn't need such a high level of care.
He's autistic with extremely high needs. We were told that at 6 he has the mental/emotional/social development is the same as a 12 month old (told this by educational psychologist). It's really different to being at home with a 6 year old NT child which I have also done.
When we both worked home stuff was more evenly split but now it feels like it's all on me.
Tiredness and stress are affecting me a lot today and I will pay the price later for not taking DS out because he won't sleep (he doesn't sleep very well even when he has been out though TBF).

Is there any way you can push for another assessment because it sounds like you badly need respite that others in your situation are definitely getting. You have been fobbed off.

I can't believe he won't even go to the shop for you!

Does he have a 1:1 at school? If he does this shows you can't care for him AND do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc while he is with you.

You seem reluctant to truly look at what a crappy relationship dynamic you have at the moment but having lived a similar life once upon a time I can tell you from experience that right now you are a single mum without the benefits. No respite where dad takes the load, zero help, no actual daily support, a partner that doesn't get it. If you split he'd have ds some times (hopefully, but even if he didn't, he doesn't now anyway), he'd pay maintenance, etc.

Do you have a disability social worker?

Also - is there a branch of KIDS charity in your area? There is in mine that do summer play scheme but no one told me about it until my sen child was 12!!!!

Oh and look into direct payments x

Your DH needs to be more understanding. Has he taken any time off during the 6 weeks? I’ve got two kids with asd and adhd. The youngest (13) has a severe learning disability as well and is non verbal and the holidays are such hard work. We’ve got a disability social worker but my youngest can’t access any clubs or breaks.

Is there anything in your local offer? What about asking about direct payments? You might be able to find carers to give you a bit of breathing space.

I would be asking for your "D"h to book some holiday time off or unpaid leave. I think him doing 1 hour of 1 to 1 on a Saturday will never give him the same experience of actually parenting a child throughout the day. It is nowhere near enough of a break for you and I bet you end up doing housework in that time too instead of looking after yourself.

Your body will break if you push this too far. Your husband needs to understand this. I cannot believe he wouldn't actually pick some things up from the shop for his family. He is a complete arsehole.

The nuclear option is to just tell him you are having a break when he walks through the door and then leave the house and book yourself into a hotel for a couple of nights. That way you would guarantee sleep and some self care. If it is so easy to look after Ds and get all the housework done then he can do it.

As per my username I was a long term sahm. My Dh never came through the door and said anything about the state of the house. You say you don't want to make him out to be a bad guy but he isn't listening to you and will complain about the state of the house. He should be coming home, making you a cup of tea and then rolling his sleeves up, after all, moving is the way to stay motivated

I'm a single parent to two SEN children, not quite the same situation but based on your 'D'H attitude, you may as well be single.

In my LA children with additional needs can be signed up to the HAF program, even if not on free school meals. A lot won't be suitable but ours has a few SEN specific activities that I use as restbite (there's one forest school and one SEN play centre based one that DS will stay at, so I've managed 4 days 'off')

Are there any SEN groups in your area? We're lucky where we are that we have a few different organisations (mostly charities or parent lead groups, not SS). It definitely helps.

For today, its ok to have a messy house and order takeaway. Longer term, you need to find ways to reduce your load, as doing everything just isn't sustainable.

For me, that looks like prepared frozen veg & oven food more often, basic joggers/leggins & t-shirts all round, that get washed together with no separateing or ironing. Enclosed garden, so kids can still burn off energy without having to be taken out every time. And most importantly, melatonin. If you haven't already talk to your pediatrician about a prescription. Getting a good night sleep was definitely a game changer for all of us.