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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to give my 7yo a cuddle without her 5yo sister throwing a tantrum

24 replies

singyswife · 27/06/2008 20:50

I was giving my 7yo dd a cuddle tonight and my 5yo asked for one too (she only wanted one because her sister was getting one). I said she could wait a few minutes as I was giving her sister a cuddle and all hell broke loose. Her daddy was there but she refused to give him a cuddle. She is a very demanding child and doesnt start school till August so she really does get a lot of atention and so my wonderful 7yo often gets left out (this makes me feel really guilty). It ended up with it being bed time and her ranting about not getting cuddles, I didnt want to get into a battle with her so I left her and went for a shower, she started throwing her toys at her bedroom door to get my attention. I went in and confinscated the toys telling her that was not the way to get my attention (and then realised that it was as I had gone into the room). I then explained how much attnetion she gets and that her sister is my child too and I am allowed to hug her. The whole thing has left me feeling like I really am a terrible mother who cannot spilt her time properly and I feel bad that my dd is now crying herself to sleep because I yelled at her at bedtime (Crying is her solution for everything btw). Help!!! SOrry it is such a long rant but it really really has upset me

OP posts:

Original poster

singyswife · 27/06/2008 20:54

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Original poster

singyswife · 27/06/2008 20:59

anyone?

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AbstractMouse · 27/06/2008 20:59

Poor you I do sympathise I am in the same situation but a lot younger, DD is 4 and Ds is 20 months. DD freaks out and demands cuddles everytime she sees me picking Ds up, and to top it off ds has now started crying everytime I cuddle Dd lol. Tbh I just finish cuddling the one I was originally cuddling, telling the other that it is there turn next, then give them a cuddle. Doesn't stop the tantrums, but if I try to tandem cuddle it often ends up in one twatting the other.

They don't really understand the "sibling is my child too" argument in my experience. Imo which is probably worthless, you are better off ignoring the tantrum untill you are finished with the first child, then giving the second tantruming child big hugs and cuddles, they are probably just feeling insecure. I am probably wrong though and just cope with it as best I can.

TheHerdNerd · 27/06/2008 21:00

Not your fault.
Not your fault.
Not your fault.

AbstractMouse · 27/06/2008 21:01

Btw if your dd is crying herself to sleep I would seriously go and give her a hug and make up.

cornsilk · 27/06/2008 21:01

Is she tired after being at school all week? Sounds like normal behaviour to me.

cornsilk · 27/06/2008 21:02

Ditto the hug!

BetteNoire · 27/06/2008 21:02

Everybody gets tired and emotional by Friday evening.

BetteNoire · 27/06/2008 21:04

Oh yes, go and cuddle before sleep.
And give toys back in the morning.
I'm sure this was all about being over-tired.

AbstractMouse · 27/06/2008 21:04

I do agree that it's not your fault, just life.

Original poster

singyswife · 27/06/2008 21:08

Yeah I am certainly emotional tonight after that. We have had such a lovely day we went to a fair in my grandads town and then went to his for lunch it was soooo lovely and then she goes right back to being her. She is sooo demanding she totally wears me out, role on August till she goes to school. (I dont mean that I will miss her loads) Abstractmouse, normally do the tantdum cuddle thing (which ends in one being belted by other dd) but tonight dd wanted a cuddle just on her own which tbh I dont think is too much to ask. I do feel really bad that I have left her crying but I didnt want to give into a tantrum. If she was crying cause she wanted a sweet and I gave her the sweet she has one, just because she is tantruming over a cuddle I didnt think I should give in. Maybe I was wrong on that one???? Oh no one ever warns you about stuff like this.

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Original poster

singyswife · 27/06/2008 21:09

won even, must re-read my posts.

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Divastrop · 27/06/2008 21:09

i had to go and give my 9yo a hug as she was crying herself to sleep due to being sent to bed early for having a tantrum(because ds1 who is 10 got to stay up late as a reward for something).she accepts the lo's getting my attention but she hates it when her big brother gets any.

and i though the jealousy thing was meant to be the other way around!

Heated · 27/06/2008 21:17

There's a book I read with ds to prepare him for dd's arrival, and the closing line is,

"There's room for you both on Mummy's knee."

It's a phrase we still use although it gets dh a cross, "That's -not- funny" then a grin.

My other tactic when complete collywobbles is imminent is to say in a tone of motherly understanding, "I know, I know," when I haven't a clue what the garbled, red faced child in front of me is saying, but they seem to find it soothing.

Anyway, passing the wine & chocolate to you Singyswife.

Original poster

singyswife · 27/06/2008 21:26

Dont have any wine unfortunetely and I have been dizzy all week from an ear infection so I dont think it would do much good. I really want some though.

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cheshirekitty · 27/06/2008 21:42

I will nobly drink a glass of wine for you singyswife.

glug, glug, glug

Original poster

singyswife · 27/06/2008 21:46

Thank you, I feel much better now you have had the wine for me.

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cory · 28/06/2008 08:29

Our house rule has always been 'don't let the sun go down on your wrath'. In other words, every quarrel has to be made up before bedtime when cuddles and loving words appear again as by magic. Whatever had gone before. Not confiscated toys or sweeties though But I think they are in a different category.

Twelvelegs · 28/06/2008 08:37

OMG, I have the same here!! Two dss one 6, one 5 and the 5 year old cries loudly about everything and anything.... who sits next to me, someone saying he can't have something, being it (by his brother when he, 5 yo, hits first) agggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
Ignoring is tough, but I always do loving hugs before bedtime and soothing chat, usually about the nice dream s we'll all have.

juuule · 28/06/2008 09:23

Couldn't you have cuddled them both? Group hug
If I'm cuddling one and another wants a cuddle then we normally cuddle up together. Otherwise wait until you get one of them on their own?

Original poster

singyswife · 28/06/2008 10:03

Twelvelegs, I am glad I am not alone in this. Isnt it a anightmare. They seem to think that the crying works and it so doesnt. I didnt want to give in and give her a hug as if she was tantruming about something else and I gave in what is that teaching her. SHe didnt want to be loved by me she wanted to outdo her sister, this is totally typical behaviour for her.

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juuule · 28/06/2008 10:19

I think younger children worry sometimes that you don't love them as much if you are showing affection to a sibling. Sometimes they just like to join in and feel a part of the family hug. Which is why I would include my 5yo if she got upset when I was cuddling one of the older ones. I'd also take the opportunity to encourage them to give each other a hug -"oh look your sister is upset, let's give her a love, too".

As for tantrumming about feeling left out. How else would you expect a 5yo to express her upset?

I do give individual cuddles when the opportunity arises or I try and arrange an opportunity.

Original poster

singyswife · 28/06/2008 11:59

I try and give individual cuddles and attention too but it is getting so bad that I cannot give my older child ANY attention without the younger one creating. Stupid things like if I tell the oldest one she has done a lovely picture I get "you didnt say I did something nice", when she hasnt even done a picture. FFS she is going to school in August, the nursery said that we had to try and cut adult attention and make her be more individual and independant but it is hard when she is soooooo damn demanding. She really pushes my patience to the limit most of the time. I have just caught her hitting the dog with a shoe (presumably becuase I was loading the cbeebies website for us to play together while her sister is out with daddy and was not giving her my undevided attnetion) She then could not work out why I gave her a row and was unable to tell me if this was acceptable behaviour. Oh god, I am going on holiday next week to a caravan, I think I will be totally demented by the time I get back.

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juuule · 28/06/2008 12:35

Singyswife it sounds like you're having a bit of a bad time at the moment.

It is normal ime for children to do this, though. Mine even do it at times now they are older If I say for example, to one "oh you've done that well" one (or more) of the others will jump in with "what and I didn't". If we are going through one of those phases, I usually try to catch them on their own. It does go in phases and like everything else it will pass. But I have found that it passes quicker if the one who considers they are missing out gets a bit more attention and a quiet talk about sharing and everybody needing cuddles and if someone else gets cuddles it doesn't mean that the one feeling they are missing out is loved any less etc.
Yes, she's going to school in sept. but she is still only 5y. And personally, I'd ignore any nursery advice about cutting adult attention. That doesn't sound right to me.
Could you have asked her to stop hitting the dog and explained why rather than giving her a row. What would she have done if you had done that.
You sound like you need a bit of break to be honest. Could you ask your partner to take her out this afternoon or tomorrow to give you some time on your own with your other dd and a break from your younger dd?

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