Is it normal for a partner to bring up cheating ex so often?

[Katiescroll]

I’ve never been cheated on thankfully and I can only imagine how awful it must be. I feel like my DP goes on about it too much for my liking - he never used to, but the past 2/3 months he is mentioning it a lot. He said the trigger was seeing her in a new relationship and he says he doesn’t think he fully processed what she did to him.

She cheated on him with another woman (she’s with a man now). He brings it up when we are with friends a lot. He met one of my old uni friends for the first time on Sunday and even managed to cram it into that conversation. We were on about house buying. He said ‘I was going to buy one with my ex but then she became a muff diver, so I guess I had a lucky escape’ that was his exact wording. Luckily my friend didn’t ask for the details or he’d have spent ages talking about it.

Is it normal to go on about being cheated on so much?

Isn't he a charmer? I wouldn't want a future with a man like him, I'll be honest

He spoke rather crudely and inappropriately given the conversation, but I think he’s been honest that he hasn’t processed it properly so it’s understandable that it has come up now.

I think it would be a good idea to suggest some counseling to work through it so you’re not at risk of him venting awkwardly on friends (or overwhelming you) or making conversations all about himself and his issue with it.

I would be really annoyed with him for saying that in front of one of my friends that he'd never met before. How crass!

Maybe suggest that he sees a therapist for a few sessions to talk it through?

I've never heard that expression before OP and just looked it up ! He really said that to your friend the first time he met her?
Is that the way he normally talks because I don't think I'd be introducing him to any one else if it is.
He really needs to sort out his issues re his ex and re his social skills

Tbh talking like that in front of an old friend of mine would give me the ick to the point of ending the relationship.

It’s grim phrasing, it’s inappropriate in that company, it’s beyond self centred in how it’s shoe horned into conversation and just totally unnecessary.

Well he’s homophobic so there’s that ….

Sorry, how have you reached that conclusion?

Maybe it’s the homophobic slur that tipped her off?

Sorry, how have you not reached that conclusion?

He sounds grim. Also sounds like he's not over her. He probably found it easier to accept when he could out it down to her being gay. Now she's with another man it might feel more personal.

No wonder she cheated on him. He’s self pitying borefest.

In your shoes I would wonder if he was truly happy being in a relationship with me if he’s so triggered by his ex moving on.

How long have you been together @Katiescroll? It doesnt sound like he's over it and ready for a new relationship. It very traumatic getting cheated on. He sounds like he needs time to process that on therapy.

I think this is the likely reason too, not that he’d admit it.

For about a year now.

He is not over it or her.
No way would I be continuing the relationship, much less buying a house.

You are the good enough for now woman.
If he was really into you he wouldn't be going on like this.

You are 100% wasting your time.
He will deny it because you are fine for now, but he's not in love with you.

You are fine to share costs with, build equity, but be the one? Absolutely not.

Oh and he sounds like an oaf.

I wouldn't be committing to him or further tyng yourself to him at this stage. I'd either dump him or stop on future plans. You really need to end/ slow thus relationship down.

I don’t think I’ve seen the phrase muff diver written down before, I think I last heard someone use it in 1996. How… horrible.

He sounds a right arsehole, I’m understanding why his ex cheated on him. She was probably sick of hearing about the ex before her and what she did to him.

Throw this one back. You can do better.

You are the rebound relationship . He isn’t over her . Thats why he is still talking about her .
I would end it as he isn’t as into you as he was her and you shouldn’t settle for being a second best rebound .

That sounds crude and unnecessary. And really, haven’t most people been cheated on at some point? I think plenty of relationships end with a bit of crossover. It’s horrible at the time, but not that unusual. It is a bit weird that he’s still going on about it.

He sounds homophobic, and disrespectful - that comment would be enough for me to end it tbh

No. It is not normal, he’s bitter, carrying misery and spreading it around. He hasn’t move on or he is looking for attention. Whichever one, they are both pathetic, this would irritate me too.

He sounds like he’s got some major insecurity there. Getting in the disgusting comment about his ex before anyone else can, like a pre-defence or projection. As if anyone would have asked about his ex in that situation! He’s either not over her or he’s not over the betrayal, either way he needs to process it in a healthier way than slagging her off to anyone he happens to meet! And he shouldn’t be using you as a therapist either. I’ve had dates and relationships like this, where they are clearly not healed but very willing to get into a rebound to feel better whilst using me as a free therapist. Don’t be put in the position of thinking ‘he’s communicating about his feelings, he must be emotionally mature/aware/intelligent’ as it’s not the same thing as ‘obsessively moaning about ex’ at all.