AIBU to struggle to cut contact with my controlling ex?

[BeQuirkyBlueKoala]

I am struggling, I’m mid 30s (and old enough to know better)

I had a boyfriend for 2 years. It was a perfect relationship for 16 months I honestly thought he was a genuinely, rare lovely guy and he was always lovely to me and my family for that 16 months. Until last November I found out he was messaging another woman and that he had kissed her! I was absolutely shell shocked I couldn’t even comprehend it for a very long time.

When I found out, he flipped it round on me like it was somehow my fault and that he accused me of messaging someone too. Made me feel horrific about things I hadn’t actually done. Didn’t really fight for me back. But stupidly I didn’t leave and thought we could work through it.

Then he started being all lovely again but definitely with a controlling edge, he needed to know where I was and what I was doing all the time even though I wasn’t the one who cheated. Then out of the blue and without explanation he dumped me in April. We stayed friends (this was my biggest naivest mistake I think but now I feel stuck!) I still really have feelings for him, lord knows why and to be honest if it was a friend I was giving advice too I would 100% be saying to block him and move on, but I just can’t. I don’t know why I can’t do it, apart from maybe because when we get on, we got on well and it feels like a nice friendship.

Trouble is now we are still messaging everyday but not together. If I take longer that a few hours to respond or go longer than an evening without messaging he l assumes I am with a guy and will start questioning me about it (we aren’t together now so it’s actually none of his business) but then he gets stroppy about it if I don’t confirm or deny but then if I do deny he then back tracks and says it’s none of his business anyway which makes me feel like I’m going crazy. It’s like he’s jealous but then when I actually say I’m alone or something he backtracks on the jealousy.

I need help, how do we get out of these kind of cycles? How do I break the attachment? And why am I still so addicted to talking to him!?

If I was giving advice to someone I would 100% be saying to block him but it’s so hard in my head I know I should but for some reason I don’t want to. Today is the first day we haven’t messaged since we broke up, mostly because he’s in a stress with me for being quiet yesterday but even then I feel anxious that he’s not messaged and it’s taking all my willpower to not message him first. Why am I like this!?

It was a perfect relationship for 16 months

I think you’re looking back with a giant pair of rose tinted specs on

Get yourself to therapy. Your self esteem is in the gutter and I’d say that you’ll carry on with this drama (if not with him, someone else) forever more if you don’t actually address why you have such little self respect for yourself

Block him

Will last a few hours if that

Can you ask a friend to take your phone and do it for you? And ask them to delete his number at the same time.

you say you don’t want to but you know this man is a liar, selfish, controlling and bordering on abusive. Get him blocked and do some work on your self esteem as you deserve a lot better but to keep this man in your life you clearly don’t see that. Focus on you and not him.

This. Immediately. You owe him nothing. You wont get what you want and need from a relationship from him. Cold turkey. Hurts for a bit, but then go back and read your own post. He's a controlling, stalkery, potentially dangerous creep.

YABU! You have control of your phone - block him!! All the time you allow him to control the narrative - you give him control over you!
Don't message him - today is the first day that you have exercised a little control so keep it that way. Repeat that tomorrow and the day after and so on - before you know it - you'll be free of him!!

Block him,change your number,move,,whatever you need to do...he will eventually start seen someone else and you will feel like a fool for entertaining this BS...ye broke up,it's hard but move on,he has no interest it's just filling in his time...you deserve better,be strong,look after yourself, avoid him,calls,texts and form of social media immediately..

Because on some level you still think that if you say the right things he will go back to being Mr Wonderful. But Mr Wonderful never existed. Mr Wonderful was not real, he was a mirage and a fantasy.

I know it's hard but you do need to tell him to stop talking to you, mean it, block him and don't go back. It's not love, it's addiction. He's a drug, a bad one, and you need to quit him cold turkey.

And there will come the day when you won't know what the fuck you ever saw in him or what you were thinking.

I have written on a few threads about a friend of mine who physically left her awful partner. He pressured that they tell
people they lived apart but were together.
Then things ramped up and he stalked and threatened her.
She was moved to a lovely secure home with security access.
Two days later she gave him the key to the place and the security code.
Four years later they are still doing the same dance. She doesn’t love him, she doesn’t like him and yet the messages continue.
He ever followed a maintenance guy from the building and cornered him and demanded to know if he’d been sleeping with her.
She is a shell of a person. She has given up her job. Her friends and family have backed off as they hate him but she says she just can’t block him.
This is your future and it’s grim.
You have to do it for yourself or carry on with this mess - only you can do it.

You need to just block him. Just do it. Don't think about it, do it and then distract yourself and keep busy.

He wasn't lovely for 16 months, he was just pretending to be. You were fooled but you don't have to be a fool now. The only person stopping you getting on with your life is you. Take responsibility for your own happiness and then you can move on.

Are any children involved in this nightmare?

I don’t know, why are you like this?

Give me your phone - there, he’s blocked, I;ve done it for you.

Now have a good think about why you think you are not allowed to be the one who calls stop, why you have to respond even if the other person is being abusive.

All the suggestions to block are going to fall on deaf ears.

OP… get some professional therapy to help you address why you so lack any kind of self respect

Not directly. No children with each other.

This is a psychological phenomenon common to toxic relationships. The constant guessing what's going on keeps your brain focused on that person. The uncertainty, and the human need to be reassured keeps you working to try and get back what you once (believed you) had. The highs aren't actually that good but are much better than the lows so trying to chase the highs (feelings of being loved) becomes addictive. Its a whole toxic cycle of trying to chase the dopamine hits when you gives you some positive attention.

This makes it really hard to break it off as it feels like a bereavement. It's also why you get couples who stay together who clearly should be apart because they break up and get back together every 2 weeks, they are literally addicted to the drama.

The good news is that you're not together now, you haven't been together long enough that's it's permanently hard wired into your brain as the template for your relationships.

You need to recognise that he is not a good person and he wil not make you happy in the long term. Treat it like any addiction like smoking - it's toxic, it will damage you in the end, there is no 'one message/ cigarette won't hurt', you need to go cold turkey and yes it will feel shit but after a while you'll realise that finishing it will be the best thing you ever did. Be prepared for him to suddenly declare his undying love when it becomes clear you don't want any contact but be aware it's not real

But still kids around this hell

Start with recognising your own value. Respect yourself and demand others do the same. Walk with your head held high.

I don’t want to go into any more details but it’s driven most of the adults involved away.

The “rare nice guy” doesnt actually exist.

He is the cheating, controlling abusive horrible guy.

He’s keeping you on the back burner in case he decides he wants to have sex with you again in future.

I’m sorry to be harsh but anyone that would treat you this way doesn't like or respect you at all

Why are you giving someone who doesn’t like you or respect you the time of day? It’s a waste of your time.

If you can’t muster the self respect to delete his number and block him, hand your phone to a friend and get her to do it for you.

@BeQuirkyBlueKoala are you aware this relationship was abusive? He also Darvoed you. It sounds as if you have a trauma bond to him. You need professional help to move on. Women's Aid are excellent on this front or find a counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse.

Just block him! I gave myself an extra 18 months of heartache staying in contact with an ex!
He a controlling bellend and you don’t need that in your life! Just block him now! No message to explain to him just block him!!

Sooner or later you are actually going to meet a decent man. When that happens, do you want to be putting up with this crap from the ex? Or have the new man thing you still care about this creep? Block him.