It's DS's 20th birthday - AIBU ask for a hand hold over the circumstances around his birth?

[Expertinadyingfield]

Today is DS's 20th birthday and I can't seem to stop thinking about the day he was born. Long story short, a couple of hours after his birth, his dad (who I was married to at the time but have since divorced) collapsed and the next time I saw his was around 6pm that evening in the ICU - he was in an induced coma after a large tumor was found on his brain. Fortunately, the tumor was benign and successfully removed 5 days later.

At the time, I just got on with life. My DM, PIL and SIL came to stay to help with DS and our DD who was 18 months old at the time. I recall that FIL and SIL spent most of the time looking after MIL - she was definitely the focus of their care and sympathy while I was expected to just carry on and deal with the physical and emotional impact of what had just happened.

My own DM was very hands on with DC but, looking back, provided very little emotional support. I recall being upset while waiting to find out if DH's surgery was successful and her telling me that crap things happen and I should be relieved it wasn't worse. Don't get me wrong, she was an amazing mum in many ways but I guess she was of the generation that was brought up during the war to carry on and not make a fuss.

For years, I've buried my feelings about all of this but, for some reason, I can't get it out of my head today. I just want to curl up in bed and cry. Fortunately, DS is away at uni so he'll be having a fab day.

I don't know whether it's because the last couple of years have been particularly rough - my DM died in 2024, my only sister died last year and both had been poorly for a long while before they passed away, my current marriage is on very shaky ground and I am tying myself in knots working out what to do for the best - but for some reason I'm struggling a lot today.

Is it usual for feelings to surface after such a long time?

Anniversaries are hard, OP - and loss tends to bring up memories of other losses, and near losses, and traumas you’re amazed you survived.

Have a hand hold from me. ❤️

Considering that you’ve never been able to acknowledge those feelings and deal with them, then yes, I think it is normal that they will resurface no matter how long it has been.

Allow yourself to cry and be sad for your ds’s burthday without trying by to push through and pretend those feelings don’t exist. You went through a trauma and you deserve to acknowledge it.

It’s completely normal to return to old memories, especially on significant dates. That sounds genuinely traumatic and I’m shocked that no one was prioritizing you.

You’ve lost two important people in recent years and obviously not feeling close to your husband, your children are grown and I imagine you’re feeling quite alone and maybe a bit lost. Have you spent a lot of your life having to be the strong one?

I don’t know, probably psychoanalysis by an internet stranger isn’t especially helpful! But you have my sympathy. I’m just about to give birth and my dear wonderful mum has become very sick at the same time. So much of my support network won’t have any capacity for me and the baby. Mum might never meet them. What should be a joyful time will be overshadowed with grief. It’s not fair. And what happened to you wasn’t fair either.

You’re absolutely allowed to feel this way. My DS is almost 21 and was very sick as a baby. I thought I was completely over it but I had to park at the hospital he was in the other day and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. All the old feelings came back. Please be gentle with yourself and have a hug from me.

Have you shared this story with you DS, OP? It may surprise how close it brings you both, and the number of things the story will help him explain from his own life and circumstances.

Wow, you have had a tough few years. Anniversaries can sometimes bring old feelings back up. Please be kind to yourself.

I’m sorry that you didn’t have the support you needed after your DS’s birth/ DH’s surgery. You must have been terrified.

I wish you all the best.

you are allowed to have a sad day

It's totally understandable it comes back sometimes. Maybe you feel safe enough to think about yourself more now.

It's never too late to talk to a therapist if this is now the right time.

Yes, it’s normal albeit it hard for feelings to resurface on anniversaries.

I would say that sometimes giving people grace and forgiving might be a step towards letting go of some of your sadness. Your MIL was obviously grief stricken and worried that her son had collapsed, he is her baby no matter his age. Her husband and your exdh sister were all rallying round her. They came to stay to help out and although they should of definitely given you more emotional support, they were probably blindsided and struggling to manage their own worries so couldn’t also be there for you 100%. Your DM helped with DC and was hands on, a lot more than most grandparents are able to do. She may of not been the best with emotional support, but I’m sure she loved you and definitely from a “we have to get on with it” generation.

I would suggest maybe therapy to unpack your emotions IF you feel like these feelings creep up a lot x

That sounds really hard OP. Sending you a hand hold 💐

Anniversaries can bring up all the emotions from that time and you've been through a lot so be kind to yourself and take it easy, have a good cry and do some self care today. What might make you feel a bit better? Getting out in the fresh air for a little walk, curl up on the sofa with a blanket and watch something soothing, order in your favourite food? Send your son a message to tell him how much you love him and are proud of him and hope he has the best day!

You will get through this, you are not alone and can post here if you want some chat and company. Look after yourself x